General humorous one-shots here. I don't know how often I'll be updating this, but it won't be all that much. Rated R just in case.
A/N: It took me way to long to get this one out. In fact, I've been writing it for about 6 months:P Anyway, I thought I'd put all of my one-shots that I may or may not plan to write into one story, and here it is, The Lighter Side of Hogwarts. I don't know how often I'll be updating this, but it won't be all that much. I've got one other chapter about Politics, sort of, but it may end up going into I.F., I haven't decided that yet.
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
- Douglas Adams
Chapter 1: The Lighter Side of Revenge
"Hermione, you know /everything/, right?"
It was early Monday morning, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione were on their way to their first class of the week, Transfiguration. Hermione raised her eyebrows at Harry, who looked away, and chuckled to himself. He couldn't help but notice that Ron was walking a bit funny.
"Sure, Ron, whatever you say," came her reply.
"Well I was wondering if you could help me out with something. It's just that I've got this really bad rash on my-"
"Quiet!" That was from Harry, who had stopped right in the middle of the corridor, listening intently. Unfortunately, Ron hadn't heard him.
"I mean, it's probably just my broomstick, it's been getting a bit old lately, so I tried to use a smoothing charm on it, but I don't think it worked very well, and then-"
"Ron!!!" Hermione's whisper/shout, however that worked, wasn't enough to stop Ron's speech, but she put her hand on his arm, and when he looked over, put her finger to her lips. Ron was about to protest, after all, he was just getting to the good part of his story, when she nodded significantly towards Harry.
"Oh." Ron whispered, and mumbled something about "being stealthy."
Meanwhile, Harry was trying to figure out what the sound was. He figured out that someone was chuckling about something. After some thought, he realized that it was Crabbe and Goyle, Hogwarts' resident morons.
After a bit of looking around, he spotted Goyle peeking around the corner and looking at the group. They were a good way off, so Harry resumed his pace, looking around for any traps the two might have left for them. Sure enough, after about twenty feet, Harry saw what he was looking for. Tied between two suits of armor, and spanning the entire width of the hall was a rope, which stood about 3 inches from the floor.
Shaking his head slightly, Harry pointed this out to both Hermione and Ron. Hermione nodded slightly, while Ron did an exaggerating head nod and an obvious and obnoxious wink. Harry just sighed and continued on.
The three of them kept on walking, stepping over the rope and continuing on towards Transfiguration, leaving the thuroughly confused Crabbe and Goyle scratching their oversized heads.
On Wednesday night the Gryffindor Quidditch team had a practice, and as usual Harry and Ron went out a bit early to catch some extra goal keeping practice before the rest of the team arrived, much to the disapproval of Hermione.
For the umpteenth time, the two walked away from the Gryffindor common room to angry mutterings of "I shudder to think of what will happen if you fail this essay and as a result get kicked out of Hogwarts, have to get a job at a fast-food restaurant, and eventually have to break your own arm so you can get on disability to support your crack addiction," or some other such theories.
Eventually they made it to the field, and Harry had a go around the pitch to stretch his legs, or his broom, or some such thing. Sighing, Harry turned when Ron tried to get his attention.
"Harry, Harry, it's doing it again. Ouch! Damn broom." Shaking his head, which he seemed to be doing quite a lot lately, Harry flew over toward Ron, who was having quite a difficult time of things.
"Try using a cushioning charm," Harry said. "You do know that one, don't you?"
"Oh yea... Cushonius/," then, "Err, Harry, I think I missed. /Oooh... Um, yea, I missed."
Poor bloke, Harry thought as he went to try to figure out what went wrong. He's never been the same since the accident...
Meanwhile, on the ground, Crabbe and Goyle were putting their latest plan for revenge into action.
"Do you really think this is going to work?" Goyle asked. Crabbe sighed. How many times do I have to tell it to him, the dolt! It's no real thingy I'm the smartness of this... er, Yea!
"Don't worry about it."
"So what happens when you catch up to them?" Goyle asked.
"I told you, don't worry about it. Now strap me to the rocket."
The 'rocket,' which was little more than a large bottle rocket with the legend 'Acme' crudely painted in red on one side, was in a small box, with the same words written on it.
"Why did I have to paint 'Acne,' or whatever on it, and why did I have to put it in the box?" Crabbe sighed again, "How many times did I tell you so far, Goyle?"
"Never," Goyle said promptly.
"Er, I didn't tell you the plan?"
"Oh, well, somebody of my er, something, can't be... shouldn't have to... doesn't have to tell you every little thing. But you have been a bit of help, so I, er, guess I can tell you the plan."
"Oh, thank you! You are so nice to me."
"Yea, yea, now listen."
Crabbe quickly told Goyle his plan, which didn't take very long, but for reasons of mental health, it will not be put into writing.
"Oh, wow!" Goyle said when Crabbe finished. "You're so...er, so... smrt."
Crabbe sighed again. "You forgot the 'a,' again, Goyle."
"Oh, yea, sorry. Er, sm... smmm... Smart!" Goyle finished triumphantly, raising both fists in the air.
"Good, now, strap me to the rocket."
Yet again, for reasons of intelligence, the rest will not be put into writing.
That Friday after classes found Harry, Ron and Hermione sitting under a tree out on the Hogwarts grounds. Harry must have dozed off for a while, because the next thing he knew, Ron and Hermione were having yet another argument. Harry tried to tune them out, but couldn't, as they were really getting into this one.
"Are not!" Argued Ron.
"Are to!" Explained Hermione.
"Are not!" Said Ron.
"Are to!" Clarified Hermione.
"Are to?" questioned Ron. Apparently, Ron was starting to understand what Hermione was trying to say.
"Are to," affirmed Hermione with a nod of her head. Or maybe not, as Ron's expression suddenly changed from near-defeat to anger and spite.
"ARE NOT!!!" Bellowed Ron. Hermione sighed, she hated to do it, but it had to be done.
"Are to times ten." She stated firmly. With that stinging blow, Hermione had made her point. Ron sat back down, shook his head, and apoligised for his rudeness.
Harry laughed to himself; apparently Hermione had finally learned how to talk to Ron. He still couldn't figure out of this was better or worse than the arguments about "Quit It practice."
Eventually, Crabbe and Goyle walked over to them, trying to hide the grins plastered on there faces. Harry, Ron and Hermione all stood up, to see what they had to say.
"We don't want to be Draco's friend anymore." Crabbe was the first one to speak, still trying to hide his grin. "He always looses, and he acts like a baby all the time."
Goyle tried to nod his head solemnly, but succeeded in looking like an idiot, though it worked out well anyway. "Yea, so we want to switch sides. We want to be your friends," he spoke with his usual monotone.
At that point Ron stood up, "Yea, right. As soon as we say okay, you'd say something stupid like 'Psyche!' and then start laughing. We see right through you both."
"Yea," Harry said. "Ron's right. Why don't you two just go away," he added, with a muttered "Well done!" to Ron. Ron grinned happily.
"No, no, we'd never do anything like that, we're telling the truth," Crabbe said, while Goyle had a 'well, the jig's up' look on his face. Crabbe hit him.
"Oh, erm yea... what he said," Goyle added unconvincingly.
Harry sighed, and then wished he hadn't. He'd been sighing an awful lot lately, and he suddenly realized that if there was a limit to how many sighs he could have, then he'd probably be really close to that limit by now. He'd have to start rationing them if he wanted any for later in life.
At any rate, this had gone on far to long, so Harry decided it was time to put a stop to it.
"Okay, we believe you then," Harry said, while Ron and Hermione looked at him like he was crazy. "You can be our friends, then."
Crabbe and Goyle looked triumphant, then confusion set in. They both thought for a moment, then Crabbe's eyes lit up. He whispered something into Goyle's ear, and he likewise smiled.
"Gotcha!" They both ran off, having finally gotten their revenge.