Frerard oneshot! Gerard looks back on his time with his lover and his best friend. Give it a read, R&R please xo
Have you ever loved someone or something with everything you have? Loved it so much that it physically hurt? That you feel hollow without it, like a home without an owner? Have you ever lost it, lost the one thing that truly mattered to you?
I have. I lost the one person who saved my life. I lost the one thing that kept me living and not simply existing. I suffered the pain of losing the very reason I was breathing...I lost my heart.
When I think back to the day we met its like watching a movie. Every little detail is there, the smell of the car fumes that filled my lungs, how cold the air felt, even the colour of the night sky. Especially the colour of the sky because thats how he found me, lying in the snow on my back, bleeding. I had been beaten again, my father had found me talking to my brother and flipped. I wasn't to go near Mikey not since I was kicked out. My sexuality of course being the reason, traditional parents meant traditional views on life and to them I was disgusting, a freak of nature that shouldn't even have been born and so I was forced to leave and that's when my life on the streets of New Jersey began.
I lay there battered, bruised and broken praying to God that death would come and allow me freedom. Hoping that I would either bleed out some time soon or the cold would finish me off. I gazed ahead of me as the sky was just turning to night, a few stars had begun to shine brightly and a mix of dark blue and deep violets were the blanket they rested in. My vision had begun to blur as I gazed into the darkening sky and I prayed that my time had come because the sky that night was beautiful and it would have been a perfect last vision but I just caught a glimpse of a shadow before my eyes closed. The smell of spiced orange filling my nostrils, using the very last of my strength I smiled.
I remember hearing voices. They were chattering around me and I felt a deep, sickening fear of opening my eyes. I lay there my heart leaping a little as I picked up part of the conversation
"So have you found out anything about him yet"
"Not yet, I'm calling him the snow angel..."
"You know its kind of strange spending your days sitting with a guy you don't even know, just waiting for him to wake up..."
"Yeah...but its not every day you find a fallen angel at your feet..."
I remember smiling and falling back to sleep thinking about the man's voice.
My next memory is waking up in a bed, a steady beeping coming from the machine by my side and tubes snaking from my veins. Panic rose in my throat as I realised there were needles under my skin, I began pulling at them tears streaming from my eyes as I whimpered with pain. Then there were hands upon mine. Calloused yet soft tattoed hands, fingers wrapped around my own
"Shh, dont panic they wont hurt you..." that voice it was so soft like the person sincerley cared for me. It was so different, so new.
My eyes rose to look at his face and what I saw was truly beautiful, heavy lidded, honey coloured eyes were smiling at me. Soft, slightly pouting lips were turned up in an almost mischevious smirk, he was a true vision of beauty, a masterpiece of a man
"Whats your name?" I remember relaxing almost immediatly as he spoke, his gentle tone filling the room
"Gerard..." he once again smiled and sat slowly beside me
"Gerard...I like it. I'm Frank..." My saviour had a name.
A feeling of fondness washes over me as I remember the day I was released from the hospital. I had been in there for three weeks and Frank had been with me everyday, talking to me and getting to know who I was. It broke his heart to hear I was homeless and told me to stay with him. I initially refused but he threw a fake tantrum, much like a three year old who's mother won't buy them candy, until I agreed. Stepping out of his beat up Trans-am he quickly ran to my side and helped me indoors. His apartment was small but very homely and it felt new to me but in a good way. He gave me his bed and slept on the sofa until I had fully recovered. Always putting others first.
One of my most favourite memories came next, the night we first kissed. We had been watching a girly romantic movie on T.V and making fun of it. The clichéd first kiss where the characters fall in love and live happily ever after came on and Frank turned to me grinning
"Oh Gerard, you make my heart all gooey and mushy when I see you...I must have you!" I bust out laughing at his dramatics and he feigned hurt before tackling me.
We were play fighting on the sofa and rolled off, I landed on the floor with a thud and Frank landed on top of me. We were laughing at first until we realised how close our faces were. His lips a mere inch away from my own, his warm breath sending shivers up my spine and goosebumps across my skin. He was staring into my eyes breathing heavily and I couldn't take anymore. I raised my head and nervously placed my lips on his. We remained like that for a moment until Frank pulled away and sat up, wrapping his calloused fingers around my shirt collar and pulling me up, crashing his lips onto mine with such passion I swear the earth moved. That night the whole world stopped around us, there was just me, Frank and our lips connecting sending electricity through our bodys and heat through our hearts.
I recall the day we first fought, that was the day I realised I couldn't live without him. I had found my own apartment and was grabbing the very few things I owned and putting them in a bag. I had thought it was the best way to keep our relationship strong but Frank didn't see it that way. He said it would be too painful and it would never last. Little did I know he was right.
"Gerard how can you think that it's the right thing to do?!"
"Because it will keep us strong! Our own space will help keep us together..."
"You're talking out of your ass Gee. We are together. We should live together..."
"WHY CAN'T YOU SEE I'M DOING THIS FOR US?"
"IF YOU WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR GERARD, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
"You don't mean that..."
I walked out and went to my apartment and threw my bag across the hall. I slumped on my sofa and cried. I cried til my eyes hurt and my lungs burned, I cried until the only sound I could make was shaky little sobs. I couldn't last one night without him. I made my way back to the apartment and took a deep breath before unlocking the door and stepping inside. Dropping my bag in the hall, I walked into the front room and found Frank wearing my old Smashing Pumpkins tee shaking on the sofa. He had obviously cried himself to sleep as sobs wracked his tiny frame still.
I walked over and bent down, planting a kiss on his cheek. His eyes fluttered open and as soon as he realised I was there he wrapped his arms tight around my neck and peppered my face with kisses "Don't ever leave me again Gerard. I love you. I love you so much..." tears fell from his honey eyes as he buried his face into my neck. I picked him up and he wrapped his legs around my waist, I carried him still nuzzling my neck into the bedroom
"I love you too Frank..." it was the first time we had spoken those words to each other. And the first time we made love.
A few weeks later I asked him to marry me, he said yes immediatly. One month later we began making plans. We only had each other so it wouldn't be a huge affair but we still wanted to make it special. We decided we were going to get married in the park close to where Frank had first found me. Although it brought back bad memories they were overpowered by good, if that night hadn't have happened I wouldn't have my Frankie. We also decided to visit the hospital where I stayed to invite the nurses and doctor who had taken care of me and let Frank stay. It was like a thank you to them.
My next memory was meeting Frank in the coffee house near to the music store I had found work in. I entered through the door grinning at the concept of seeing my Frankie again, my eyes scanned the shop and spotted him talking to a guy and a girl in a booth at the back. He saw me and said something to them before running toward me and planting his lips on mine
"Baby I want you to meet an old friend of mine from high school. I just ran into her and her boyfriend..." he dragged me to the back of the store and spoke to the girl
"Alicia, this is my fiancé..."
"Gerard?!" I looked down at her boyfriend and I swear I almost fainted, it was my brother Mikey. He stood up and placed his hand on my face as if he was checking that I was real before a single tear rolled down his cheek and he pulled me into a bone crushing hug "I can't believe it's really you. I can't believe you're actually here..." I wrapped my arms around him tightly. I almost didn't want to let go
"Uh Gee? Mikey?" I pulled away and wiped a tear from my eye before turning to Frank
"Frankie, baby, meet my little brother Mikey..." sudden realisation dawned on his face and he smiled before pulling Mikes into a hug. We had talked about Mikey before and how much I missed him. We all sat down and Mikey told me how he and Alicia had been searching for me since that night I was beaten. He had gotten kicked out too for trying to defend me but Alicia's parents had taken him in. We talked about the wedding plans and how perfect it was now Mikey was here, Everything had finally fallen into place.
What should be my favourite memory is shadowed by a dark cloud now. There we were standing in our suits, tears running down our faces as we said our vows in front of the doctors, nurses and Alicia and Mikey. I placed a silver wedding band on Franks finger and he placed one on mine. At the end of the ceremony we had a small picnic set up, we couldn't afford anything special but to us it was perfect. The sun was shining brightly through the trees as Frank and I danced on the luscious green grass beneath our feet "I have a gift for you..."
I regret saying those six words. I regret walking to the car. In those few moments I was gone my life was blown apart forever.
I sat in the drivers seat and pulled open the glove compartment. Inside was a small rectangular black box, I opened it and laughed a little. It was a silver key on a chain with the words 'The key to my heart' inscribed on it. It was so he would always remember the night we watched the cheesy romantic movie and kissed for the first time. Then comes the painful part of the memory. I was locking the car when the first shot rang out, then a second, a third, a fourth, a fifth. I sprinted through the park,my chest and legs burning, fear coursing through my veins and saw Frankie backing away.
A man was there shooting people down. I started running toward my beautiful husband when he pulled the trigger a final time. I heard screaming, a heartbroken gut wrenching scream as I dropped to my knees and realised that it was me. I was the person screaming. I dropped to my knees as calls of 'Drop your weapon' surrounded me.
I pulled my Frankie close, cradling him on my lap. He tried to speak as I pressed my hand into his stomach in an attempt to stop the bleeding, knowing deep down it was useless. I leaned in closer to hear his whispers
"I'm scared Gee...I'm so scared..."
"Dont be scared baby..." my tears rolled onto his face "It's ok...just sleep..."
"I love you Gee..."
"I love you too Frankie...just sleep now..."
He closed his eyes, never to open them again. I don't remember much after that. I remember them trying to pry Frankie's corpse from my hands and I remember being taken to a car. I remember the cops asking what we were doing in the park and telling them about our wedding. I remember the tears the paramedics and the cops cried that day as I told them of our time together. After that it's all a blur until the funeral and even thats unclear. I dont recall the music or the sermon. I just remember dropping the rose on his black casket as he was buried. In that week I attended the funeral of my soul mate, my brother and his girlfriend.
Now here I am. Trying to carry on with life as normal but it will never be the same. It feels weird crossing the...
"Gerard...how many times did I tell you to look both ways when you cross the street?..."
"Frankie, where are we?..."
"Together, Gee, thats all that matters. My fallen angel made it back to heaven..."