Categories > Anime/Manga > Bleach > All I Ever Wanted
Painful Past
0 reviewsKaiya and her sister Hikari prepare themselves to head back to their parents' home, though the youngest Myamoto is less excited to see them.
0Unrated
The moment that I had finished my last name, I removed my pen from the once clean, fresh white page and slowly closed the small, red book silently – not before using the pink ribbon that was attached to the top as a sort of "bookmark." After a moment, I inhaled deeply before sighing rather loudly, an unconscious move on my part. On the inside, I suddenly felt relieved that I finally told someone all of my deepest, darkest secrets to; it was as if the weight of the world had been lifted on my shoulders, knowing that someone – or something in the this case – had listened to me vent about a past I no longer wanted to have, one I did not want to remember. Yet, deep down, the small feeling of telling someone that would actually talk back to me, give me their advice and/or comfort in some manner, still lingered throughout my body, nagging at me in a silent yet prominent way. I knew that it felt great to tell someone about the issues I was going through when it came to the past I lived, but I think my mind wanted me to tell someone who was real, other than my elder sibling Hikari, about it. Still, the fear of being looked at in a negative way plagued my mind; it was one of the many . I did not want people to look at me differently as another person, but for me – the real me. Someone who was calling out for help only be stuck in the deepest, darkest hole – so much I could no longer tell which way was up. The day I found that person, though, who be like finding a needle in the haystack: difficult, nearly impossible and probably ridiculous.
Another sigh escaped my lips as I pushed the dreadful thoughts out of my mind. It was bad enough I was going back to the Hellhole I once called home; thinking about it and seeking help because of it was only going to make it worse. I put my black pen into my little blue bag before placing my dairy – Himitsu Kanshu, or Secret Keeper – in it as well. After that, I stood up and stretched my arms and back a little, waiting for the familiar popping sounds before letting my arms droop at my sides once again. A blank expression was written on my face as I thought about what was happening today. As I mentioned before, I was returning to the hellhole I thought I could call home. Hikari insisted that I should see my mother and father once more in an attempt to make amends now that I was old enough to fend for myself. When she brought it up to me for the first time, I immediately refused to go back, not wanting to face them or even think about them any longer. She was persistent and is pretty much forcing me to go nonetheless, claiming that if I did not make amends or face my past, I would never be able to live my life. Seeing their faces again, however, haunted me and sent a shiver down my spine; their angry expressions staring into my soul as they scolded me and beat me just like when I was a child. However, in a way, Hikari was right; I was an adult, someone who could fend for herself now. They could not do anything to bring me any harm, as I was strong enough to fight back. Still, seeing them again was not one of things I wanted to do on my bucket list.
A growl erupted in my throat as I picked up my blue duffle bag filled with all of the belongings I took with me after I left, looping my arm through the string strap and allowing it to rest on my shoulder in a rather comforting position. Once I made sure that I was not leaving anything behind, I nodded to myself and walked out of my small room, shutting the door behind me in the process. After that, I made the small trek down the small hallway, passing by a couple of tables with different species of flowers and whatnot, before entering the living room of the home. It was not all that special from what I saw, since the house was not all that big. The first thing that caught my eye was a simple couch with a side table sitting next to it; a tan colored lamp was placed atop the flat surface and would give light during the nighttime. There was also rectangular table in front of the couch, but was placed far enough for people to walk by without bumping into it all the time. A clear vase was set in the middle of the table; it had a bouquet of pink roses in it, which appeared rather fresh. Hikari thought it would be a nice house warming present to give to me, and she had been giving them to me for the two years that I had been here. I was unsure if she knew that pink was not exactly my favorite color, but she said something about how it suited me, hence why she brought them whenever she came to visit. She must have gotten another bouquet to replace the old ones; come to think of it, the old ones lasted a good month or so.
I looked around the room for a moment, searching for said sister that was waiting for me to get a few things – apparently, they were gifts to give to them from Hikari and I, but I thought twice about doing that – before noticing her sitting on a chair on the side of the room. Her left hand – which was customized with some blue bracelets and a silver ring on her index finger - was placed on her cheek, while her right hand supported her arm. Her raven black hair was pushed over her left shoulder and covered her hand, but anyone could still see that it was there since there was a blue butterfly tie holding it in a bit of a loose ponytail fashion. Blunt bangs framed over her face a bit and hid her eyes from view. She went with wearing her shihakusho, or Soul Reaper uniform, in order to meet our parents. Her uniform was slightly different from my own. Instead of sticking with the usual, she decided on cutting the shoulders just enough for them to be seen, but not enough to allow the sleeves themselves to fall off - think of it as taking scissors and cutting them slightly and leaving the rest of it to hang. The sleeves would have been considered bell sleeves had it not been cut at an angle starting from the inside where her elbows were all the way down to her wrists and back again. Around her waist was a blue sash tied in a butterfly bow in the back – the butterfly bow was noticeable because it was a bit bigger than the ones I had seen in some pictures.
As I stood there, waiting for her to notice me standing there, I watched as her sea blue eyes stare into space at the floor, void of any and all emotions that would have been prominent in someone as cheerful as she was. My eyes narrowed briefly as I observed her closely. I knew what she was doing; she was thinking deeply about something that was of great importance to her. At least, that was what I assumed, since she rarely told me what was on her mind unless it involved me in some way. The look on her face would not inform me of whether or not my assumptions were true. Her expressions were never one to tell if it was an important subject, which would be rather hypocritical of someone who was always happy, upbeat and rarely had cares in the world. It was one of the many reasons why I could never understand the sister that I grew up to love so very dearly. Her thoughtful expressions used to annoy me whenever I saw it as a young child, since I was very curious to learn things from my sister. Now, though, I was very much used to it, and even picked it up myself. It happened once in awhile, anyway, so it was not that big of a deal to begin with.
While I was deep in thought myself, wallowing in my own little world, I realized that she suddenly looked up to finally notice me. In return, she realized that I was waiting patiently for her to acknowledge my presence. She smiled sweetly in my direction, her lovely sea blue eyes giving me a kind, warming expression just like the days when I ran away from home. It was one that I would forever cherish for as long as I lived.
"There you are, sister," she perked up, getting up off the chair and grabbing a black bag that was right next to it. Her long black hair flowed lightly behind her as she walked over to me. "What took you so long to get out of there, huh? I thought you fell asleep again or took off without me."
My eyes navigated for a brief second, knowing that the second option should not have been considered, before looking back at her before saying, "I…was just making sure that I wasn't leaving anything behind…" I shrugged. “Always want to double check to be safe."
She giggled at that, taking a strand of her back length dark hair and staring at it absently.
"It's good that you're making extra sure, Kaiya," she said, dropping the strand after a moment and looking back at me, "but there's no point in that. You didn't bring much when you first came, anyway."
"Still, you never know." I pointed out, fixing the bag on my shoulder. "I might have brought something with me, but then forget it once I step out the door. Frankly, I would rather not have to turn around just to get it." Then again, maybe I did.
She laughed at my words and replied, "True, but still, there's no point in doing something like that." She turned on her heel with a bit of a pep in her step; she was always the upbeat sibling when it came to the two of us. "Now come on. Mother and Father are probably worried about us and wondering where we are. I told them we would be there by around noon, and it’s almost time."
I rolled my eyes at the thought of them being worried about me as she walked over to the door.
"Yeah," I muttered. "They'll be worried about you."
She opened the door and looked back at me with confused expression at first, wondering why I would say those words. It took her a brief moment to figure out what I meant, and when she did, she sighed as if she had heard it all before. There were days when she often forgot about the life we both lived. Even though hers was a bit more lenient than mine, she felt as though my pain was hers as well. She wanted to empathize with me, but I knew that would be impossible to do. There was no way that someone like her, someone who was revered and praised for all of the good deeds she performed for the family, would ever live or comprehend the life that I lived. She would never be able to understand how it felt to be in my shoes. Besides, I never wanted her to experience it, anyway. In fact, no one should have to go through what I went through as a child; it was something that could destroy the mind and fracture it to pieces. A person’s life would be lived wondering why she existed to begin with, and why she was not killed off when her parents had the opportunity to get rid of her. She would wonder why they would turn her into their little servant, their own personal slave, and force her to do all the housework, while at the same time be violated by her own father. She wondered what cruel God would allow such a thing to happen to a little girl, who did not fully comprehend the real world around her. As I said, no should ever have to go through all of that. I knew from experience the effects of that lifestyle. I knew the traumatic effects that it had on one person's mind.
"It's sad to say, but you do have a point there…" Hikari muttered in defeat, breaking my chain of thought. I looked at her just as her face brightened almost instantly. "But don't feel too bad, Kaiya. I'm sure they'll like you…" She paused briefly, "...someday. You just need to give it some time to really prove it to them."
I gave a fake smile before sarcastically, "Yeah, of course! They'll miss me one day! They'll even throw a big party for me!" I sent her a light glare. "After I'm dead." I walked over to and out the door before she even saw me, but stopped once I heard her start speaking.
"Don't think like that, Kaiya." She said, the tone of her voice changing instantly to one I recognized immediately as sympathy. "You know that's not true."
I rolled my eyes.
"Stop lying to yourself, Hikari…" I told her blandly, though I did not meant to sound that way. “I’ve spent year after year trying to impress those bastards, doing what they asked without question, only to be scolded and beaten for not doing it their way. They never appreciated all the shit I did for them, big or small. All they cared about was putting me through Hell and enjoyed watching me suffer.” My fists clenched. “They will never learn to appreciate the things I’ve done, so why I should I try to earn the respect they never gave me?” She remained silent, unable to find the right words to say. I sighed and said, “I’m sorry, Hikari. As much as I would love for things to be different, the only way to make any real change is to make it as though I never existed.”
With those words spoken, I used Flash Step to quickly begin the trek to my old home. As I did that, I suddenly went back to the days at the Academy; probably to get my mind off the conversation I had with my sister about my parents. While I was there, I found out that was pretty good at using Flash Step, so good that I did a lot better than Hikari did when she was in the Academy. Even if she knew how to use it longer than I did, I was still better, even today. I was not exactly sure why I seemed to be better at something than her, but I never really questioned it; I just let it be as it was. Later on, however, I found out that Hikari never really practiced much with it, since she did not have much use for it at the time and thought she would become better once in battle or traveling from place to place. I, on the other hand, practiced nearly every single day for as long and as hard as I possibly could, wanting to prove that I had enough smarts and strength to survive on my own. Before she said that, though, Hikari thought I was one of the special kinds of Soul Reapers that would do great things one day, to which I told her it was false. There was nothing special about someone like me, someone who was treated as if she did not matter at all. No one would ever think I was special; no one should ever think highly of a failure, a mistake.
I frowned; I pushed those thoughts out of my mind once again. I would rather not think about that until I was standing at the foot of the door.
By the time Hikari noticed that I was gone, I was already several meters away and still moving. I found out after hearing her shout my name from a distance, her voice laced with annoyance despite the laughter that followed suit. I laughed under my breath and shook my head, knowing that my sister was often slow to react, especially when something important was on her mind. Nevertheless, I still laughed as I continued to move on without her. Despite all of the love and attention she received as a child, it still surprised me to know that I was happy to have someone like her; someone who sympathized with my pain and did everything she could to make things...well, not so bad. It may not have worked every single time, but she was someone who would not until she knew I was better. She knew just what I was been going through all these years; since she was my sister and the favorite in the family, she felt a little bad that she was more important than I was. She had to live with it, watching her only little sister be beaten by her own parents and forced to do hard labor . I could tell every time I looked into her eyes that she wanted to do something about it, something to stop all of this, but she was unable to do just that. She did not get involved; I told her not to get involved in it from the very beginning. I did not want the same fate that befell my life to come upon hers. She was more unique than I ever could be, and I loved her too much for her to be beaten and forced to work or...molested by her own father...just like me. It was the only gift that I had left to give to her…as far as I knew, anyway.
Another sigh escaped my lips as I pushed the dreadful thoughts out of my mind. It was bad enough I was going back to the Hellhole I once called home; thinking about it and seeking help because of it was only going to make it worse. I put my black pen into my little blue bag before placing my dairy – Himitsu Kanshu, or Secret Keeper – in it as well. After that, I stood up and stretched my arms and back a little, waiting for the familiar popping sounds before letting my arms droop at my sides once again. A blank expression was written on my face as I thought about what was happening today. As I mentioned before, I was returning to the hellhole I thought I could call home. Hikari insisted that I should see my mother and father once more in an attempt to make amends now that I was old enough to fend for myself. When she brought it up to me for the first time, I immediately refused to go back, not wanting to face them or even think about them any longer. She was persistent and is pretty much forcing me to go nonetheless, claiming that if I did not make amends or face my past, I would never be able to live my life. Seeing their faces again, however, haunted me and sent a shiver down my spine; their angry expressions staring into my soul as they scolded me and beat me just like when I was a child. However, in a way, Hikari was right; I was an adult, someone who could fend for herself now. They could not do anything to bring me any harm, as I was strong enough to fight back. Still, seeing them again was not one of things I wanted to do on my bucket list.
A growl erupted in my throat as I picked up my blue duffle bag filled with all of the belongings I took with me after I left, looping my arm through the string strap and allowing it to rest on my shoulder in a rather comforting position. Once I made sure that I was not leaving anything behind, I nodded to myself and walked out of my small room, shutting the door behind me in the process. After that, I made the small trek down the small hallway, passing by a couple of tables with different species of flowers and whatnot, before entering the living room of the home. It was not all that special from what I saw, since the house was not all that big. The first thing that caught my eye was a simple couch with a side table sitting next to it; a tan colored lamp was placed atop the flat surface and would give light during the nighttime. There was also rectangular table in front of the couch, but was placed far enough for people to walk by without bumping into it all the time. A clear vase was set in the middle of the table; it had a bouquet of pink roses in it, which appeared rather fresh. Hikari thought it would be a nice house warming present to give to me, and she had been giving them to me for the two years that I had been here. I was unsure if she knew that pink was not exactly my favorite color, but she said something about how it suited me, hence why she brought them whenever she came to visit. She must have gotten another bouquet to replace the old ones; come to think of it, the old ones lasted a good month or so.
I looked around the room for a moment, searching for said sister that was waiting for me to get a few things – apparently, they were gifts to give to them from Hikari and I, but I thought twice about doing that – before noticing her sitting on a chair on the side of the room. Her left hand – which was customized with some blue bracelets and a silver ring on her index finger - was placed on her cheek, while her right hand supported her arm. Her raven black hair was pushed over her left shoulder and covered her hand, but anyone could still see that it was there since there was a blue butterfly tie holding it in a bit of a loose ponytail fashion. Blunt bangs framed over her face a bit and hid her eyes from view. She went with wearing her shihakusho, or Soul Reaper uniform, in order to meet our parents. Her uniform was slightly different from my own. Instead of sticking with the usual, she decided on cutting the shoulders just enough for them to be seen, but not enough to allow the sleeves themselves to fall off - think of it as taking scissors and cutting them slightly and leaving the rest of it to hang. The sleeves would have been considered bell sleeves had it not been cut at an angle starting from the inside where her elbows were all the way down to her wrists and back again. Around her waist was a blue sash tied in a butterfly bow in the back – the butterfly bow was noticeable because it was a bit bigger than the ones I had seen in some pictures.
As I stood there, waiting for her to notice me standing there, I watched as her sea blue eyes stare into space at the floor, void of any and all emotions that would have been prominent in someone as cheerful as she was. My eyes narrowed briefly as I observed her closely. I knew what she was doing; she was thinking deeply about something that was of great importance to her. At least, that was what I assumed, since she rarely told me what was on her mind unless it involved me in some way. The look on her face would not inform me of whether or not my assumptions were true. Her expressions were never one to tell if it was an important subject, which would be rather hypocritical of someone who was always happy, upbeat and rarely had cares in the world. It was one of the many reasons why I could never understand the sister that I grew up to love so very dearly. Her thoughtful expressions used to annoy me whenever I saw it as a young child, since I was very curious to learn things from my sister. Now, though, I was very much used to it, and even picked it up myself. It happened once in awhile, anyway, so it was not that big of a deal to begin with.
While I was deep in thought myself, wallowing in my own little world, I realized that she suddenly looked up to finally notice me. In return, she realized that I was waiting patiently for her to acknowledge my presence. She smiled sweetly in my direction, her lovely sea blue eyes giving me a kind, warming expression just like the days when I ran away from home. It was one that I would forever cherish for as long as I lived.
"There you are, sister," she perked up, getting up off the chair and grabbing a black bag that was right next to it. Her long black hair flowed lightly behind her as she walked over to me. "What took you so long to get out of there, huh? I thought you fell asleep again or took off without me."
My eyes navigated for a brief second, knowing that the second option should not have been considered, before looking back at her before saying, "I…was just making sure that I wasn't leaving anything behind…" I shrugged. “Always want to double check to be safe."
She giggled at that, taking a strand of her back length dark hair and staring at it absently.
"It's good that you're making extra sure, Kaiya," she said, dropping the strand after a moment and looking back at me, "but there's no point in that. You didn't bring much when you first came, anyway."
"Still, you never know." I pointed out, fixing the bag on my shoulder. "I might have brought something with me, but then forget it once I step out the door. Frankly, I would rather not have to turn around just to get it." Then again, maybe I did.
She laughed at my words and replied, "True, but still, there's no point in doing something like that." She turned on her heel with a bit of a pep in her step; she was always the upbeat sibling when it came to the two of us. "Now come on. Mother and Father are probably worried about us and wondering where we are. I told them we would be there by around noon, and it’s almost time."
I rolled my eyes at the thought of them being worried about me as she walked over to the door.
"Yeah," I muttered. "They'll be worried about you."
She opened the door and looked back at me with confused expression at first, wondering why I would say those words. It took her a brief moment to figure out what I meant, and when she did, she sighed as if she had heard it all before. There were days when she often forgot about the life we both lived. Even though hers was a bit more lenient than mine, she felt as though my pain was hers as well. She wanted to empathize with me, but I knew that would be impossible to do. There was no way that someone like her, someone who was revered and praised for all of the good deeds she performed for the family, would ever live or comprehend the life that I lived. She would never be able to understand how it felt to be in my shoes. Besides, I never wanted her to experience it, anyway. In fact, no one should have to go through what I went through as a child; it was something that could destroy the mind and fracture it to pieces. A person’s life would be lived wondering why she existed to begin with, and why she was not killed off when her parents had the opportunity to get rid of her. She would wonder why they would turn her into their little servant, their own personal slave, and force her to do all the housework, while at the same time be violated by her own father. She wondered what cruel God would allow such a thing to happen to a little girl, who did not fully comprehend the real world around her. As I said, no should ever have to go through all of that. I knew from experience the effects of that lifestyle. I knew the traumatic effects that it had on one person's mind.
"It's sad to say, but you do have a point there…" Hikari muttered in defeat, breaking my chain of thought. I looked at her just as her face brightened almost instantly. "But don't feel too bad, Kaiya. I'm sure they'll like you…" She paused briefly, "...someday. You just need to give it some time to really prove it to them."
I gave a fake smile before sarcastically, "Yeah, of course! They'll miss me one day! They'll even throw a big party for me!" I sent her a light glare. "After I'm dead." I walked over to and out the door before she even saw me, but stopped once I heard her start speaking.
"Don't think like that, Kaiya." She said, the tone of her voice changing instantly to one I recognized immediately as sympathy. "You know that's not true."
I rolled my eyes.
"Stop lying to yourself, Hikari…" I told her blandly, though I did not meant to sound that way. “I’ve spent year after year trying to impress those bastards, doing what they asked without question, only to be scolded and beaten for not doing it their way. They never appreciated all the shit I did for them, big or small. All they cared about was putting me through Hell and enjoyed watching me suffer.” My fists clenched. “They will never learn to appreciate the things I’ve done, so why I should I try to earn the respect they never gave me?” She remained silent, unable to find the right words to say. I sighed and said, “I’m sorry, Hikari. As much as I would love for things to be different, the only way to make any real change is to make it as though I never existed.”
With those words spoken, I used Flash Step to quickly begin the trek to my old home. As I did that, I suddenly went back to the days at the Academy; probably to get my mind off the conversation I had with my sister about my parents. While I was there, I found out that was pretty good at using Flash Step, so good that I did a lot better than Hikari did when she was in the Academy. Even if she knew how to use it longer than I did, I was still better, even today. I was not exactly sure why I seemed to be better at something than her, but I never really questioned it; I just let it be as it was. Later on, however, I found out that Hikari never really practiced much with it, since she did not have much use for it at the time and thought she would become better once in battle or traveling from place to place. I, on the other hand, practiced nearly every single day for as long and as hard as I possibly could, wanting to prove that I had enough smarts and strength to survive on my own. Before she said that, though, Hikari thought I was one of the special kinds of Soul Reapers that would do great things one day, to which I told her it was false. There was nothing special about someone like me, someone who was treated as if she did not matter at all. No one would ever think I was special; no one should ever think highly of a failure, a mistake.
I frowned; I pushed those thoughts out of my mind once again. I would rather not think about that until I was standing at the foot of the door.
By the time Hikari noticed that I was gone, I was already several meters away and still moving. I found out after hearing her shout my name from a distance, her voice laced with annoyance despite the laughter that followed suit. I laughed under my breath and shook my head, knowing that my sister was often slow to react, especially when something important was on her mind. Nevertheless, I still laughed as I continued to move on without her. Despite all of the love and attention she received as a child, it still surprised me to know that I was happy to have someone like her; someone who sympathized with my pain and did everything she could to make things...well, not so bad. It may not have worked every single time, but she was someone who would not until she knew I was better. She knew just what I was been going through all these years; since she was my sister and the favorite in the family, she felt a little bad that she was more important than I was. She had to live with it, watching her only little sister be beaten by her own parents and forced to do hard labor . I could tell every time I looked into her eyes that she wanted to do something about it, something to stop all of this, but she was unable to do just that. She did not get involved; I told her not to get involved in it from the very beginning. I did not want the same fate that befell my life to come upon hers. She was more unique than I ever could be, and I loved her too much for her to be beaten and forced to work or...molested by her own father...just like me. It was the only gift that I had left to give to her…as far as I knew, anyway.
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