August 2, 2020
I’ve fucked this up. Big time.
You know those drugs I thought it would be a great idea to get into? That alcohol that I used to deal with the pain and regret? The gambling I tried in a sad effort to bring back my happiness with money? Remember all of that?
Yeah, they destroyed me.
Every single penny I own is gone. I’ve sold my guitars, my home… everything to my name. My friends have left me; abandoned me as a hopeless case. I have nobody, and I have nothing.
So here I stand today, underneath this bridge which is now my home. I spend my days wandering the streets through the pouring rain of the autumn and the melting heat of the summer, searching for so much as a penny to put towards my addictions. This is all I have left to live for.
But what kind of a life is this? If only I had known, I never would have let him leave. I would have fought until my last breath to make sure he stayed there with me. I never would have let a stupid fight tear us apart, and I never would have let myself enable him to go back to his old life.
The drugs, the alcohol… it all came back to him, like tigers hunting in the night. They took him away, mangled and beat him, but they didn’t kill him. They kept him alive in the hell they had created for him. And this time, he wasn’t strong enough to make it out the other end.
This place is a hole. A hole that I’m never going to escape, no matter how hard I try. I don’t even want to imagine where he is right now, if this is where I am.
If you find this note, drop it and carry on. Don’t waste your time on me; I’m only a pebble in the road that you drive on.
January 18, 2032
They say that you never truly go to hell. You live, you die, and you’re gone. That’s it.
They say that when you die, you don’t truly die. You leave this earth, but what you enter is not the space of nothing that truly is death. No, you enter the in between. Only after you leave the in between, do you truly die.
They say that the in between is the closest to hell you’ll ever get.
Let’s see if they’re right.
I kept myself alive in the hell I had created. And finally, I've lost the will to make it out the other end.