Categories > Original > Humor13 Reviews
Stuff I've done over the years; I'm posting this becaaause...I'm a dumbass
and half of it nobody knows about
and you guys don't really know about
SO HERE YOU ALL FUCKING GO (sorry I am still pissed because the roof of my mouth hurts; long painful story about the dentist)
1) I made my first best friend by walking up to him screaming "YOUR MY NEW BEST FRIEND"
You guys know Tom? Well what I say about him?
For those who are like "dafuq wuman, who dat?" Tom is my best friend, we've been best friends for 12 years now (no legit, ever since kindergarden when I walked up to him screaming "YOUR MY NEW BEST FRIEND")
2) I Cannot Stand Cake and Doughnuts
Really, I like marble cake (because that's what my birthday cake usually is); but stuff like doughnuts, cake, timbits and all that just seem too dry.
It's disgusting and unappealing to me
3)My friend got me parinoid now every time I wear my ripped jeans
No not really....Do I seem like that much of a wuss?
But I wear these ripped jeans a lot (now especially with my Of Mice & Men hoodie because it looks sexy) but she was talking to me one day;
Her: Dude, stop wearing ripped jeans
Me: Why? I like them -insert me playing with the huge ass hole that's positioned where my knee is-
Her: Because a hobo might start following you, thinking your heading to a soup kitchen
Yeah, a hobo could be following me one day; and I would never know.
4) The same friend who called me a hobo doesn't talk to me anymore
She's like any other fucking niner; a stuck up snob who acts better than the whole school (and people wonder why we don't talk to them)
But really, she left for a diffrent school in grade 8 (she was bullyed by the assfuckers in her grade, which I couldn't do anything about because I was in a grade ahead)
So in her other school she met new people (I fucking hate them, because they treat me like fucking shit)
I gave up trying to talk to her near halloween, because I was hanging out at lunch with them (this was before I got to know all my friends persoanlly); and they where talking about a halloween party my friend (lets call her A)
A: Hey, so you guys are coming to my halloween party this weekened right?
Me: Um what party?
Her stuck-up-little-gay-ass-acting-friend-who-has-a-stick-up-the-ass: Nothing, you're not going
Me: Fuck you, and I was asking her
Him: Well we don't like you
Me: You're a fucking cunt, shut the hell up; because I've known A longer than you.
Him: Oh wow acting tough much?
His friend: Don't talk to him like that
Me: Don't tell me what to do, he butted in and started acting like an ass
Her: But still
My friend: Yeah sorry Sam, their right
I got up, flipped all those asses off and stormed right in the fuck out
I never talked to her since
Oh and I'm not a homphobe, I don't care who's gay and bi/lesbian...everyone deserves to be treated equal.
But honestly, he acts gay
Wouldn't be surpised
I'm not homophobic
Just a hunch (if you saw the way he acted, it's wowing)
5)My old class last year, we got so many subsitute teachers to quit
Really, we had one sub for home-ec one time.
It was...okay until the middle of the class (we didn't get how to make the thing, so we didn't do it because she expected us to just follow the recipie)
-How the fuck does "add sugar to water after eggs to water and stir until blended before adding water help any?
That wasn't the recipie, but it was confusing
So she said "fuck it" and took us all outside (it was about the beginning of october;so it was getting really fucking cold) and told us to run laps.
Oh speaking of it.
I think me and my friend may of killed her cat.
Really, the first thing we made (we made 2 things a class last year) we decided "hey, for shits and giggles lets add half a can of ciane pepper (really spicy shit)."
We couldn't eat it without coughing and dying.
So I was about to dump it in the garbage when she grabbed it saying "no! DO NOT THROW IT THE FUCK AWAY YOU LITTLE FUCKING WASTING BITCH! HAVE YOU HEARD OF ALL THOSE POOR FUCKING AFRICANS STARVING IN THE OTHER FUCKING COUNTRIES?! IMMA FEED THIS TO MY FUCKING CAT" (well without all the swearing and shit)
But yeah, she probably fed it to her cat
and the cat probably died.
R.i.P kitty; sorry you're owner sucked (no offence to her, but she was shoving the whole "third world countries" thing down my throat)
Yeah, she wouldn't sub if we were there that day for home ec
We did that with like 4 other teachers
6) I do almost anything on a dare
Except if it involves drugs/smoking/asking people out/kissing people; other than that it's fair game.
7) I walked up to a cute dude in my cosmo class saying "I want your stuff"
Really, my one friend knowing I kinda have a slight crush on him (ASH DON'T HATE ME; HE WOULD NEVER GO FOR A LOSER LIKE ME AND I WOULDN'T GO FOR HIM BECAUSE IM DATING YOU). So she was like "I dare you to walk up to (lets call him J) J and say "I want your stuff"
BEFORE YOU START THINKING "Sam you sex polluded monster!"
Not like dude parts kinda stuff
LEGIT HIS STUFF; to be more in depth, I want his
-Epic hat (it's like a beaver hat, fluffy and everything)
-'Game over' space invaders looking shirt
-Epic phone case (it has like a skull, epic looking one on the back)
-Epic mirrory sunglasses (you know the sterotypical cop, how they wear those huge ass sunglasses where you see your reflection in them)
-And his epic BVB looking kinda mask
-Plus his epic music taste (he likes MCR, some BVB, Asking Alexandria, Suicide Silence, Breaking Benjamin and a bunch more killer bands)
NOW HE THINKS I LIKE HIM
NO DUDE STAHP STAHP THINKING THAT
7) I over use 'cunt'
Really, even ask Elli
I seriously called her a cunt
"THIS AIN'T A STORY, ELLI YOU CUNT"
Well that was more based off she said "DONT SAY..."
but 'cunt' is like the new 'fuck'
8) I lie a lot....
More about self harm kinda stuff
People ask "Did you cut in -insert amount of time here-
I say "nope"
They get proud of me, under the belief that I stopped
When really I cut that morning
9) I think about Suicide way to much
I hate it; I'll be in a PERFECT mood and all of a sudden it's like
"I want to fucking kill myself"
Like, I do have times when I really want to.
But it keeps getting worse
10) Two of the main reasons I haven't yet is because of those who would be affected and my music
I don't want to be that asshole who kills herself,leaving my family to get judged (everyone around here are overjudgmental cunts; so if I where to do it, my family would be marked "the family who's daughter killed herself")
Plus my little brother is getting bullied really bad again (this time he's getting beat up, and getting into fights) and he's told me, that he doesn't want to tell my parents (they would just make it worse by calling the school and shit)
What kind of sister would I be if I suddenly left him on his own?
And that's why I'm getting more into Pierce the Veil's stuff
They sing a lot about how people who self harm and shit should be cared about, should have someone there for them; and not be outcasted by society due to their scars
11) I have had stupid butthurt 1d fans tell me to kill myself
Really, I tell them "hey, you know you shouldn't tell someone to kill themselves just because they don't like 1d or a band you do. You never know who could read that; and actually commit suicide believing nobody cares about their life"
and they usually reply
"U STFU GO DIE U EMO LITTLE FAG, U DYKE LIKE OMFG U DONT DESERV 2 LIVE LIKE OMFG U DEF LITL CUNTE"
I've had one chick somehow come onto my profile, and start hating on all of my pictures (well all of the selfies)
WHO DAFUQ ARE YOU
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
But my followers/IG friends have my back :3
11) I get so attached to my internet friends
I flip total shit if one of them does something to themselves
12) I'm getting annoyed with my best (girl) friend
She's just been such a downer
Like I know I'm probably the same way. But I'm working on sucking it up and not bringing everyone down with me.
Because that's what she does.
Really, she was dating this guy and she would whine and bitch about how she hadn't seen him in 2 weeks.
While I was sitting there thinking "well count your fucking blessings, I can't see my girlfriend at all"
Plus she's just been acting like her problems are the end of the world (It's just been getting to me, and I don't want to say "chill out with it" because I don't know what that would do for the whole situation)
13) My parent's don't know I'm bi or that I'm dating
Really, I'm too scared to tell them.
For one, my mom was watching this show one time about teens (like 18 year olds) getting married; and these two girls where.
At one point they kissed and my mom got really grossed out.
I asked why and her answer was
"It grosses me out seeing two people from the same sex kiss; it's like "You're gay, you don't have to flaunt it"
I think my face dropped and I was sitting there in shock.
Their not homophobic, I know that because they've taught me and my brother growing up that no matter what, people deserve to be treated equally (no matter what race, sexuality, gender or age)
14) I'M SAM AND I LIKE BASS
I find any bassist really fucking sexy (most times)
"SAM YOU CUNT!! THIS ISN'T A FUCKING STORY"
BECAUSE THUG LYFE