Mikey helps Gerard through the next few hours, trying to talk some sense into him...
Chapter 26 - I'm Trying To Deal With The Pain
“Gerard? Gerard, are you awake?” Mikey asked me, I rolled over onto my side in the opposite direction to him, hugging Frank's pillow to my chest. Yes, I was awake – but barely.
It hurt. Everything hurt.
Not just physically, mentally too.
It hurt even more to know that Frank wasn't here with me. If he were here he'd make some sappy joke and he would make me better, inside and out. But now that he wasn't here it was absolute horror.
This was what love felt like, wasn't it? Pain when that special someone that you cared for deeply isn't there anymore.
I get it if you think that I'm just over-reacting. I don't blame you. I only have myself to blame. “Gerard?” Mikey asked again. At first I immediately wanted to ignore him just like I was before. To only forget. Forget about the shooting, sting of pain that ran up my arm whenever I moved and just wanting to be myself again. But how can I do that when the only thing that was keeping me alive wasn't here with me anymore? To save me?
To save me from myself and the fact that I can't just be like anyone else.
Why cant I just be normal? Oh right, I'm Gerard Way. Nothing can ever be simple can it?
Not in this life, not now, not ever. Hopefully one day the most adorable person in the world could change that, he's 5”4, you may know him, his name's Frank Iero.
“Hey Mikes,” I mumbled it barely audible but of course he heard me due to this recent attitude. The fact that he wanted to keep me alive while my angel was away. “I made you coffee?” Mikey suggested a way to make me return to the world of the living. It worked though, I have to give him some credit at least.
I sat up slowly, pressing a hand to my forehead and making a quiet groaning noise of frustration and pain. Complaining at the throbbing in the back of my head. Thank God that Mikey had known me his whole life.
He knew when I had a headache, knew when I was in pain – he grabbed me some paracetamol with my coffee that he had made. I know you're meant to take it with water but what the heck, 'eh? I swallowed the pills with the familiar taste of coffee to wash them down.
“Mm, thank you.” I said with a smile, keeping the cup in my lap and clutching it with both of my hands. “I feel bad,” I suddenly piped up, shaking my head a little as I gave Mikey a look of concern which he instantly picked up on and scrunched his face up at in confusion.
“Why so?” He asked, adjusting his glasses on his nose and biting his bottom lip with worry.
“I'm keeping you from school.” I murmured with a sigh, he instantly shook his head, frowning.
“Gerard,” Mikey said sternly. “You mean more to me than my grades, trust me.” He stood and went over to my desk, admiring my drawings with a huge smile on his face. “I hope you realise how much I admire you, Gerard.”
Mikey mumbled, hoping I'd hear it as he faced the other way, still gazing at the mixture of drawings, many were of Frank and there were a few of Mikey every so often too. All of my drawings must have built up over the past few years, because there was a hell of a lot there, but I didn't want to throw any away.
Every piece of art is beautiful.
“Why? I've told you this time and time again, Mikey. You do not want to end up like me, please.” I practically begged, I had already brought him into enough of my life and I really wasn't up for dragging him into anymore of it. I sighed under my breath, having told him this over and over again many times before.
He shook his head yet again and leaned back onto the desk behind him to watch me, his tight dark grey hoodie clinging to his arms, hands and waist perfectly.
“You know how much I hate you putting yourself down.” Mikey sighed, “Yes Gerard,” he continued. “There are some parts of you that I don't want to be. Parts that Mom and Dad would absolutely hate me for and most likely for the rest of my life. But you have always had the same issue for the majority of your life. It's that you don't see what everyone else sees about you. You're talented, artistic, loyal and in general just an incredible person.” He came to sit next to me before he continued.
“And I'd wish that you could see that. Maybe one day. Frank will help you with that, I know he will.” When Mikey mentioned Frank I instantly stiffened up and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was silently apologizing - but he either didn't want to spend longer on the topic of Frank or he just simply didn't feel the need to apologize. One of the above.
“You're the most talented person that I have ever met, and I mean that with every part of me.” I sighed but nodded when his little speech came to an end.
“I wish I could believe you, Mikey, really. It's just gong to take some time for me to physically see this talent in front of me and just do something with substance you know?” Mikey smiled a little and nodded, going to my window and curtains, which he opened the tiniest bit just to check the weather. I covered up my face in annoyance, my eyes stung just from that tiniest bit of sunlight – Jeez, I needed to get out more, most people probably thought that was a vampire of something because of it.
“Well if you want to do something with substance, then I really do think that you should speak with Frank.” Mikey suggested with a slight smile. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair that had started to become greasy due to sweat and days without showering.
“But why?” I complained, sighing again and finishing up my coffee, loving the feeling that it caused when it trickled down my throat and satisfied by thirst. Coffee was my comfort.
“Because you love him, Gerard.” At the mention of the word love my brows stitched together and my nose scrunched up like Mikey's had before, making me blush at the same time and instantly I felt embarrassed. I love Frank of course I do. It just felt a little strange to have my own brother voice my feelings out in the open.
“Which is why I hate to see him like this,” I explained briefly, frowning as I thought of Frank in the state that he was in. It broke my heart. Whoever it was that did this was definitely going to pay. Why beat up someone that had done nothing wrong?
This was a question that I had been asking myself for the majority of my life. I had always found it hard to believe why someone would hurt someone so much even though they had done nothing wrong. Or I thought that Frank had done nothing to say the least. He had been open with me, right?
He wouldn't keep something like this from me, would he? Something that had somehow lead to him ending up in hospital and God only knows where the person who did this to him in the first place was.
“I know Gerard, I know. Remember when you were in hospital only a mere few months ago because of your drug addiction?” He paused, “that is what it feels like, isn't it? It's different, I know, you're my brother and he's your soul-mate.” Mikey said with a frown, I nodded slowly, understanding it perfectly
“You know I hate you bringing that up.” I laughed a little at the memory. Mikey got me hospitalized because I was so depressed, I was so addicted to self-destruction, I didn't think that I was worthy of anything. It ended up with me being in hysterics for hours. It wasn't funny at the time but now that we both had a chance to look back on it and reminisce, we even found it slightly amusing.
“You better not end up in there again.” Mikey cautioned with a smile, trying to turn it into a joke when in all seriousness it wasn't a joke – it would be very serious if I even had the slightest thought of me ending up in there again.
“Of course not. Not if I can help it.” I mumbled, giving him a look of honesty as I smiled a little. I honestly did mean that, I never wanted to end up in there again. I put Mikey through too much pain and suffering that I never wanted him to have to go through that again.
“That's exactly what you said last time, Gerard.” Mikey sighed, running a hand through his hair, he did that whenever he was stressed. I hated seeing him like that. Mikey even sounded angry when he said those words, it felt like he was turning against me in a way but I knew that he meant well – he always did. Mikey was just like a butterfly, all innocent and he would never hurt a fly.
“Nothing is going to happen to me, Mikey. I promise.” As soon as the words had left my mouth he had sped over to me as fast as he could. I jumped but tried not to let it show too much, the only visible image of me being shocked was a slight gasp that had slipped out of my mouth.
“Gerard, please. For once in your life, think about what you're saying.” Mikey reached forwards towards my wrist and he placed a gentle hand over the recent wounds, being as careful as he could. “Please, Gerard. I nearly lost you last night. If I hadn't have come to save you then where would you be? Probably not conscious that's for sure.”
Mikey said his thoughts out loud and clear. I did understand what he was saying, of course I did. I was in the same situation, except it wasn't my own flesh and blood (my brother) it was my soul-mate who was in hospital. My everything. Always would be.
“I get it, Mikey.” I replied a little harshly. He instantly flinched and I swallowed hard to try to be hide some of the nerves but that just wasn't going to happen. “I'm not going anywhere, I promise.” I vowed, watching him with worried eyes.
“Stop making promises, Gee.” Mikey mumbled, walking back over to where he was stood before.
“An what if I do, you gonna ground me?” I snapped at him, my head was throbbing even harder now and that was just making matters even worse.
Mikey groaned, rolling his eyes. “Just stop it, Gerard. You know that this isn't you, calm down before you lose everything.” Mikey sighed and I just stayed silent, deciding to just swing my legs around to the side of the bed and instantly Mikey ran to my side, wary that something drastic was going to happen. Which it wasn't. I was stable enough, wasn't I? Or at least I thought I was, you could never really tell.
I wrapped my arms around his slim frame, clutching him to my chest, not ever wanting to let him go. He was my brother after all. I had known him ever since he was a baby, Mikey knew me even more than I knew myself. Even more than Frank did. Maybe that was why they hadn't got along at first that well?
Mikey was the first to pull away from the hug an I sighed with my arms now feeling empty. I needed something to take Mikey and Frank's place. I went over to the cabinet that was beside my bed which was currently not being occupied by Frank and that saddened me one hell of a lot.
I opened up the second drawer and Mikey sighed, coming to my side and placing a hand on my shoulder. He knew where I was going an why. He used to steal from this drawer most of the time, back when everything was dark and cloudy.
Back when our lives were on the line and all we had was each other. “You know you don't need that...” Mikey attempted to change my mind but I just really didn't believe that I didn't need it. I needed something to help me deal with the pain.
“Mikey please...I haven't done it that often because Frank doesn't like it.” I tried to change his mind an he shook his head.
“And that is exactly why you shouldn't be doing it now, Gerard. Think about how disappointed he's going to be when he finds out.” Mikey sighed, placing a hand over mine to try and stop me.
I shook my head, Frank wouldn't find out, why would he? I took out a packet of cigarettes and my lighter, going over to mine and Frank's bed and sitting cross legged. “Gerard...” Mikey muttered as if he was about to say something else. He came over to the bed and sat opposite me in the same position that I was in.
“If you're allowed, then I'm allowed too.” Mikey blurted out eagerly. I groaned and took out two cigarettes. I really was not sure about this. It was wrong, so wrong for me to let him do this. What if I triggered something inside of him that made him become addicted again? I didn't want that.
“That's completely unfair.” I mumbled, shaking my head. Mikey took one from my hands before I could stop him and I gave him a 'are you fucking kidding me!?' look.
“Hardly, now come on.” Mikey sighed, getting impatient. Mikey hadn't smoked for at least two months, of what I can remember anyway. I knew that this was a bad idea. I knew that I was a bad influence, don't remind me.
I passed him the lighter because I knew that if I didn't then he'd fight me for it – he was too far gone. He lit the cigarette up and sighed before he took a long drag, closing his eyes. I instantly wanted to feel what he was so I took the lighter out of his hand that had become slightly limp and lit up my own cigarette, taking in an even longer drag than Mikey had, feeling the stress decrease and my worries go down.
I held the cigarette between my two fingers and tapped away the excess into an ash-tray which was to my left. I move it so that it was in between us and he did the same that I had done before. “I've missed this...” I said quietly and ran a hand through my hair, playing with parts of it, Mikey nodded in agreement and he leaned back onto his hands to support his weight.
“Yeah, definitely. But Ray is going to kill me.” Mikey sighed and started panicking, you could see it in his eyes and the fact that his hands were shaking slightly.
“He'll never notice, you can use your toothbrush that I have here for you, some deodorant and he'll never know a thing.” Mikey sighed, not wanting to go forwards with the plan but deciding that he had no other plan other than that. What else could he do now that the deed was done? So in the end, he nodded because he had no other options to weigh out.
“I still feel bad for lying to him.” Mikey finished his cigarette before me and he went to the window, opening it. “I really hope that you see sense today, Gee.” Mikey paused, contemplating the words. “When you go and see Frank.” At the mention of the word I put my own cigarette out and went over to my desk and tidied it, wanting to keep my hands busy, putting drawings into one pile and paintings in another.
“I... I will. 'Promise.” I gave him a smile and tried to tidy the room, when I got to Frank's clothes I frowned. He was still living out of a suitcase. I instantly started to take his clothes into one half of a wardrobe that I never used and also into a drawer underneath it.
When the room was tidy, Mikey and I had another two cigarettes each and then I tried to draw but all I could think about was Frank so that was what I drew. It was of him playing his guitar at the end of our bed, smiling happily. Just like I wanted him to be. I wanted him here with me.
Why couldn't he be here with me now?
Why was I such an idiot?
I tried as hard as I could to try to get these negative thoughts out of my head but it seemed impossible. Mikey noticed too. At around eight at night he put down the current comic that he was reading and made his way over to the desk that I had been sat at for two hours straight, silent.
“Do you want to go and see Frank now?” Mikey asked, placing a hand on my shoulder which startled me. I did want to see Frank, that was evident, but then there was another part of me that was terrified that something bad was going to happen. I put my pencil down and stuck a drawing of Mikey on my wall in front of me, he smiled at it.
“I should shouldn't I?” I sighed and went to the mirror, applying some black eyeliner which made me look more like myself. I shrugged on my leather jacket and shoes before going to the door and waiting there for Mikey. He shoved on his black beanie and his tight dark grey jacket before walking out of the room.
The next few hours were ether going to be amazing or just damn awful.