My first SI. Follow along as I adventure to destroy an evil legion led by two half-fiends. I own nothing.
(#) Brynn Dharielle 2006-09-04 02:47:19 PMWell, if you ask me... the idea is a very good one, but you wrote it all... dismissively. You need to put in a bit more detail, build up the universe.
Also, your combat scenes are all... "I am God, and you are nothing" ... like Arnold Schwarzy movies. xD Make the characters sweat a lil for their victories.
And what's with switching tenses? You were narrating in past tense, then at one point it became present.
Seriously, if you sat back and re-wrote this you could make at least 5 chapters outta it all. :P Describe the places, the people, don't just focus on the main character.
... Yup, I hold my ground. You've gone through it all too quickly.
Hope this helps. :)
- You don't need to capitalize ordinary words like "library." Only put it in caps if it's a specific place, like, "The Manhattan Library of Bubble Gum" or something.
Why would an ordinary guy who's just doing homework have a saber? That's a bit out of the blue. If you want to foreshadow, try saying that the pipe was a good heft and had a nice grip, then later have the protagonist use the same words about the saber.
And it's "tae kwon do" or "taekwondo." A person whose only combat training is TKD would not be able to do that at yellow belt level. Try adding, "fortunately, I'd been taking kempo all my life," or whatever.