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Categories > Games > Dungeons & Dragons > Lord of War

Chapter 1

My first SI. Follow along as I adventure to destroy an evil legion led by two half-fiends. I own nothing.

Category: Dungeons & Dragons - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Action/Adventure, Fantasy, Horror, Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006/09/03 - Updated: 2006/09/03 - 2437 words

Reviews

• Lord of War

  (#) Brynn Dharielle 2006-09-04 02:47:19 PM

  Well, if you ask me... the idea is a very good one, but you wrote it all... dismissively. You need to put in a bit more detail, build up the universe.
  
  Also, your combat scenes are all... "I am God, and you are nothing" ... like Arnold Schwarzy movies. xD Make the characters sweat a lil for their victories.
  
  And what's with switching tenses? You were narrating in past tense, then at one point it became present.
  
  Seriously, if you sat back and re-wrote this you could make at least 5 chapters outta it all. :P Describe the places, the people, don't just focus on the main character.
  
  ... Yup, I hold my ground. You've gone through it all too quickly.
  
  Hope this helps. :)

• Lord of War

  (#) Ithilwen 2006-12-16 08:30:26 AM

  You don't need to capitalize ordinary words like "library." Only put it in caps if it's a specific place, like, "The Manhattan Library of Bubble Gum" or something.
  
  Why would an ordinary guy who's just doing homework have a saber? That's a bit out of the blue. If you want to foreshadow, try saying that the pipe was a good heft and had a nice grip, then later have the protagonist use the same words about the saber.
  
  And it's "tae kwon do" or "taekwondo." A person whose only combat training is TKD would not be able to do that at yellow belt level. Try adding, "fortunately, I'd been taking kempo all my life," or whatever.

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