Categories > Anime/Manga > Naruto > Painting The White To Gray
Sometimes It's Okay
0 reviewsNaruto's friends want answers; he looks for some alone-time, but finds that is the last thing he needs.
0Unrated
STORY TITLE: Painting the White to Gray
CHAPTER TITLE: Sometimes It's Okay
AUTHOR: Oturan Ikamazu
RATING: T (rating may increase in further chapters)
WARNING: Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV (For further reference, YAOI will not be a warning; I agree with faye-assasin: love is love, regardless of gender. They don't have heterosexuality as a warning, so why homosexuality?)
STORY SUMMARY: Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways. (Sorry, I changed the summary, but I suppose this can be a different way to look at it, so I'll keep it.)
CHAPTER SUMMARY: Naruto's friends want answers; he looks for some alone-time, but finds that is the last thing he needs.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've just recently changed the summary; sorry if it confuses anyone. And I forgot to add AU to the warnings (and the fact that it's a high school fic) in the first chapter. So here they are now. And they should be shown in the next chapter.
I haven't written much in the past few days, mostly because I haven't been feeling well. It sucks, but I'm hoping it's all over with. I probably just need to get more sleep.
I'm so happy that people actually like this story. Every time I get a review it's like an antidepressant or something. It makes me so happy! My roommate usually looks at me funny then calls me an idiot. She's so nice, ne?
I have a question: does anybody actually read the author's note?
-
How will you know I am hurting,
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
-- C. BLOUNT
-
When I woke up, it was just another Monday, but as the events of the weekend - namely the party - came back to me, I began to dread it. How would I face Kiba? How would I face those of whom he'd told? I was scared to think about how many people knew, who would know by the end of the day.
I bid farewell to Kakashi who mysteriously always knew something was wrong, and made my was to school, trying to walk as slowly as possible, taking the longest route I could think of. But I knew it wouldn't last forever; I had to go to school eventually, and I would inevitably have to face my friends and conjure up some excuse for my behavior on Friday.
But there was doubt - Kiba would surely know I was lying, he'd seen the look I had on my face before he'd closed the door; he knew there was something wrong with me, so there was no use lying to anybody. Sooner or later the truth would get out anyway, so why bother?
I met Kiba before first class, so we had a few minutes to talk. When I walked up to him, he looked confused for a moment, and I almost thought that maybe he didn't remember, that he thought Friday was just a hallucination or a dream. But I had no such luck; after excusing himself from his current conversation, he pulled me away to sit under a tall oak in the back of the school, a few minutes away from the bus loop.
He watched me, waiting for me to start talking and explaining myself before he said anything that might ruin our friendship; I was scared it was already over. After a deafening silence that only seemed to linger the longer we fidgeted uncomfortably, he spoke, breaking me away from saddened thoughts of ending friendship.
"Naruto..." he frowned, as if not knowing where to go from there. He paused, considering for a moment, before continuing. "What were you thinking?"
His voice wasn't harsh, like I expected it to be; it was soft, hurt, sounding betrayed. I wasn't sure what to say, what would be appropriate so as not to emotionally injure him further.
"I...I wasn't," I faltered, hoping desperately that I didn't sound as sorrowful and helpless as I felt. "I wasn't thinking, not really. My parents..."
The morning bell shrewdly rang, marking the five minutes we had to get to glass. Kiba stood, obviously intent on continuing this conversation later. Before he could go, I grabbed helplessly at his arm, trying hard not to squeeze too tightly; I wanted to finish my earlier statement, even if it did make both of us late. I needed to tell someone, and he was currently the only one around, the only one offering an ear.
"My parents, they're not nice people, you know?"
I could tell by the furrow of his brow that he didn't understand; did I mean that they beat me? That they hurt me verbally, mentally, sexually? What did I mean? I decided to elaborate, though just slightly.
"They're decent enough I suppose, but they're not parent-types. I don't want to live a lie, Kiba, and if I have to, I'd rather die."
He nodded, not quite understanding, but glad that I told him, if only a small part; he'd get a bigger piece of the picture at lunch, when he had reinforcements surrounding me.
And indeed, at lunch, Kiba and the rest of my newly-found friends gathered round me, mentally prodding me to tell why I had taken pills with alcohol - anyone knew it wasn't something good to mix. But that's exactly why I'd done it.
They waited for answers to questions they hadn't even asked, watching me closely. If they wanted the truth, I decided, not quite angry with all the attention they were giving me, but certainly not happy, I'd give it to them in all its unhappy glory.
I sighed, running my hands over my face tiredly. I looked at each of them, reading that they were ready to face my demons - it was a true test of friendship.
"My parents were never happy with me. They wanted me to be perfect, but I wanted to be me; that didn't work for them. They called me names, talked behind my back to their upper-class friends; one day it became too much."
I stopped, closing my eyes. Was I ready for this? Were they? It didn't matter, I had to show them. Quickly, I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt, showing them the few thick white lines that decorated my wrist - I didn't have to explain, it was pretty self-explanatory. And this time they did understand, understood better than the so-called friends I'd had before.
As it turns out, Lee had tried to commit suicide too - who would have thought it? - about two years ago, but Gai-sensei had helped him out of his depression; he had been an orphan, trying to find somewhere he fit in. Everybody ridiculed him, but Gai taught him it wasn't what other's thought about him, it was what was inside. I was amazed that someone as upbeat as Lee could ever be depressed, let alone suicidal.
Haku had been in a similar situation, only people didn't ridicule him - they praised him, then used him. He'd almost died of hypothermia when he was found by Zabuza-san, who had been doing a drug bust with his squad. It was his job to help the helpless, and the hurt little boy he'd found that night had wedged himself into Zabuza's heart and refused to let go.
Kiba was bipolar and slightly paranoid, but he had medication so it didn't often affect his daily life; his paranoia did explain his jumpiness though, and the reason he was always so tense. Evidently, mental disorders ran in his family; his sister Hana was bipolar too, as was his mother.
Then they told me something weird, about someone I'd never really spoken to, but who was going through some similar problems; it explained his absence for the pass half-week, and why he always wore long sleeves: Sasuke cut himself, and just last week he'd tried to kill himself, but he was stopped by his brother.
I didn't know how they knew, and I don't suppose I really cared much. I needed to be alone for a little while, someplace no one would bother me. Unfortunately, I was at school, someone was everywhere.
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During my study period, I usually go into Iruka's, if only for the warm familiar presence. That day, however, he was giving me weird looks, as though he didn't understand what I was doing there, talking to him; he was looking at me as though I was a puzzle that couldn't be put together.
It was a little disturbing, to say the least, to think that maybe he saw through me, that maybe he had overheard me during lunch talking to Kiba, Lee, and Haku, that he knew where my thoughts had been for more than half the day.
But I endured the questioning gaze for an hour or so before leaving for my last class - and then it would be home, where I'd try not to think too much on hurting myself or doing anything even more drastic. But there was no promise - that was something I knew all too well.
I made it home in one piece, in one state of mind though a little shaken from all the thoughts running through my head, threatening to tear my brain apart; I ran the water for the bath, making sure it would scald me before stepping in, clothes and shoes still on.
I leaned back, dipping my head under water. I wanted to stay like this, embraced by warmth on all sides, my mind too fuzzy to determine that I needed air to breathe lest I stay under for the rest of my life, which wouldn't be very long if I did. So I opened my eyes and breathed air in deep, fully relaxed as I looked around.
My eyes landed on a razor I hadn't even known I had; my mind wandered to 'what if'. Should I do it, I thought. My fingers itched for it, and I actually felt myself reaching, but then I remembered Iruka watching me, the looks Kiba had given. What was I doing, thinking like this?
I wasn't living with my parents anymore - I had a life of my own, where I could make my own choices, my own decisions. That didn't involve hurting or trying to kill myself. Despite feeling a bit lonely and repressed, I had no reason.
Why would I want this? What was there to gain? If I died, that would be it - no watching in sick fascination as Mom and Dad realized that they were the one's who failed, no watching people mourn, the few that there'd be.
My thoughts only seemed to get darker and darker - that was a dangerous thing, a time when I shouldn't be alone, no matter what I might say.
That moment, as I stepped out of the tub and began drying off and changing, I decided what I needed to do - he knew things, he'd understand, I told myself. And before I knew it, I was standing before Kakashi's door, knocking, in desperate need to talk to someone.
I only hoped I was doing the right thing.
-
To Be Continued...
-
Thank you for the reviews! Much love!
CHAPTER TITLE: Sometimes It's Okay
AUTHOR: Oturan Ikamazu
RATING: T (rating may increase in further chapters)
WARNING: Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV (For further reference, YAOI will not be a warning; I agree with faye-assasin: love is love, regardless of gender. They don't have heterosexuality as a warning, so why homosexuality?)
STORY SUMMARY: Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways. (Sorry, I changed the summary, but I suppose this can be a different way to look at it, so I'll keep it.)
CHAPTER SUMMARY: Naruto's friends want answers; he looks for some alone-time, but finds that is the last thing he needs.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've just recently changed the summary; sorry if it confuses anyone. And I forgot to add AU to the warnings (and the fact that it's a high school fic) in the first chapter. So here they are now. And they should be shown in the next chapter.
I haven't written much in the past few days, mostly because I haven't been feeling well. It sucks, but I'm hoping it's all over with. I probably just need to get more sleep.
I'm so happy that people actually like this story. Every time I get a review it's like an antidepressant or something. It makes me so happy! My roommate usually looks at me funny then calls me an idiot. She's so nice, ne?
I have a question: does anybody actually read the author's note?
-
How will you know I am hurting,
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
-- C. BLOUNT
-
When I woke up, it was just another Monday, but as the events of the weekend - namely the party - came back to me, I began to dread it. How would I face Kiba? How would I face those of whom he'd told? I was scared to think about how many people knew, who would know by the end of the day.
I bid farewell to Kakashi who mysteriously always knew something was wrong, and made my was to school, trying to walk as slowly as possible, taking the longest route I could think of. But I knew it wouldn't last forever; I had to go to school eventually, and I would inevitably have to face my friends and conjure up some excuse for my behavior on Friday.
But there was doubt - Kiba would surely know I was lying, he'd seen the look I had on my face before he'd closed the door; he knew there was something wrong with me, so there was no use lying to anybody. Sooner or later the truth would get out anyway, so why bother?
I met Kiba before first class, so we had a few minutes to talk. When I walked up to him, he looked confused for a moment, and I almost thought that maybe he didn't remember, that he thought Friday was just a hallucination or a dream. But I had no such luck; after excusing himself from his current conversation, he pulled me away to sit under a tall oak in the back of the school, a few minutes away from the bus loop.
He watched me, waiting for me to start talking and explaining myself before he said anything that might ruin our friendship; I was scared it was already over. After a deafening silence that only seemed to linger the longer we fidgeted uncomfortably, he spoke, breaking me away from saddened thoughts of ending friendship.
"Naruto..." he frowned, as if not knowing where to go from there. He paused, considering for a moment, before continuing. "What were you thinking?"
His voice wasn't harsh, like I expected it to be; it was soft, hurt, sounding betrayed. I wasn't sure what to say, what would be appropriate so as not to emotionally injure him further.
"I...I wasn't," I faltered, hoping desperately that I didn't sound as sorrowful and helpless as I felt. "I wasn't thinking, not really. My parents..."
The morning bell shrewdly rang, marking the five minutes we had to get to glass. Kiba stood, obviously intent on continuing this conversation later. Before he could go, I grabbed helplessly at his arm, trying hard not to squeeze too tightly; I wanted to finish my earlier statement, even if it did make both of us late. I needed to tell someone, and he was currently the only one around, the only one offering an ear.
"My parents, they're not nice people, you know?"
I could tell by the furrow of his brow that he didn't understand; did I mean that they beat me? That they hurt me verbally, mentally, sexually? What did I mean? I decided to elaborate, though just slightly.
"They're decent enough I suppose, but they're not parent-types. I don't want to live a lie, Kiba, and if I have to, I'd rather die."
He nodded, not quite understanding, but glad that I told him, if only a small part; he'd get a bigger piece of the picture at lunch, when he had reinforcements surrounding me.
And indeed, at lunch, Kiba and the rest of my newly-found friends gathered round me, mentally prodding me to tell why I had taken pills with alcohol - anyone knew it wasn't something good to mix. But that's exactly why I'd done it.
They waited for answers to questions they hadn't even asked, watching me closely. If they wanted the truth, I decided, not quite angry with all the attention they were giving me, but certainly not happy, I'd give it to them in all its unhappy glory.
I sighed, running my hands over my face tiredly. I looked at each of them, reading that they were ready to face my demons - it was a true test of friendship.
"My parents were never happy with me. They wanted me to be perfect, but I wanted to be me; that didn't work for them. They called me names, talked behind my back to their upper-class friends; one day it became too much."
I stopped, closing my eyes. Was I ready for this? Were they? It didn't matter, I had to show them. Quickly, I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt, showing them the few thick white lines that decorated my wrist - I didn't have to explain, it was pretty self-explanatory. And this time they did understand, understood better than the so-called friends I'd had before.
As it turns out, Lee had tried to commit suicide too - who would have thought it? - about two years ago, but Gai-sensei had helped him out of his depression; he had been an orphan, trying to find somewhere he fit in. Everybody ridiculed him, but Gai taught him it wasn't what other's thought about him, it was what was inside. I was amazed that someone as upbeat as Lee could ever be depressed, let alone suicidal.
Haku had been in a similar situation, only people didn't ridicule him - they praised him, then used him. He'd almost died of hypothermia when he was found by Zabuza-san, who had been doing a drug bust with his squad. It was his job to help the helpless, and the hurt little boy he'd found that night had wedged himself into Zabuza's heart and refused to let go.
Kiba was bipolar and slightly paranoid, but he had medication so it didn't often affect his daily life; his paranoia did explain his jumpiness though, and the reason he was always so tense. Evidently, mental disorders ran in his family; his sister Hana was bipolar too, as was his mother.
Then they told me something weird, about someone I'd never really spoken to, but who was going through some similar problems; it explained his absence for the pass half-week, and why he always wore long sleeves: Sasuke cut himself, and just last week he'd tried to kill himself, but he was stopped by his brother.
I didn't know how they knew, and I don't suppose I really cared much. I needed to be alone for a little while, someplace no one would bother me. Unfortunately, I was at school, someone was everywhere.
0
0-1-0
0-1-2-1-0
0-1-2-3-2-1-0
0-1-2-1-0
0-1-0
0
During my study period, I usually go into Iruka's, if only for the warm familiar presence. That day, however, he was giving me weird looks, as though he didn't understand what I was doing there, talking to him; he was looking at me as though I was a puzzle that couldn't be put together.
It was a little disturbing, to say the least, to think that maybe he saw through me, that maybe he had overheard me during lunch talking to Kiba, Lee, and Haku, that he knew where my thoughts had been for more than half the day.
But I endured the questioning gaze for an hour or so before leaving for my last class - and then it would be home, where I'd try not to think too much on hurting myself or doing anything even more drastic. But there was no promise - that was something I knew all too well.
I made it home in one piece, in one state of mind though a little shaken from all the thoughts running through my head, threatening to tear my brain apart; I ran the water for the bath, making sure it would scald me before stepping in, clothes and shoes still on.
I leaned back, dipping my head under water. I wanted to stay like this, embraced by warmth on all sides, my mind too fuzzy to determine that I needed air to breathe lest I stay under for the rest of my life, which wouldn't be very long if I did. So I opened my eyes and breathed air in deep, fully relaxed as I looked around.
My eyes landed on a razor I hadn't even known I had; my mind wandered to 'what if'. Should I do it, I thought. My fingers itched for it, and I actually felt myself reaching, but then I remembered Iruka watching me, the looks Kiba had given. What was I doing, thinking like this?
I wasn't living with my parents anymore - I had a life of my own, where I could make my own choices, my own decisions. That didn't involve hurting or trying to kill myself. Despite feeling a bit lonely and repressed, I had no reason.
Why would I want this? What was there to gain? If I died, that would be it - no watching in sick fascination as Mom and Dad realized that they were the one's who failed, no watching people mourn, the few that there'd be.
My thoughts only seemed to get darker and darker - that was a dangerous thing, a time when I shouldn't be alone, no matter what I might say.
That moment, as I stepped out of the tub and began drying off and changing, I decided what I needed to do - he knew things, he'd understand, I told myself. And before I knew it, I was standing before Kakashi's door, knocking, in desperate need to talk to someone.
I only hoped I was doing the right thing.
-
To Be Continued...
-
Thank you for the reviews! Much love!
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