Categories > Anime/Manga > Naruto > Painting The White To Gray
STORY TITLE: Painting the White to Gray
CHAPTER TITLE: I Hurt Myself Too
AUTHOR: Oturan Ikamazu
RATING: T (rating may increase in further chapters)
WARNING: Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.
STORY SUMMARY: Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.
CHAPTER SUMMARY: Iruka confronts Naruto, then Naruto confronts Sasuke.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so I started writing the last chapter, though I'm still working on the rest. Weird, I know, but it had to be done. I don't think I would've remembered had I waited until I was finished with all the other chapters, so I started it, and I was crying my eyes out all night. But I was satisfied for the first half. (That's all I've written so far...)
This one is a little short I suppose, probably about 100 words or so, but some interesting things happen - in this chapter and the following. I don't think there is as much angst in this one as some of the others. If there's not enough for you in this one, then wait till the next few chapters, where the angst is turned up a notch or two.
This story is getting exciting, though I haven't completely figured it all out - at least I know how it ends, and I'm working on the middle, so it should be okay, if only I could keep my mind tasked to this. Which, lately, hasn't been much of a problem, as it's mostly all I think about.
I've also been reading the Naruto manga (online) and it's getting really good! So far, I've met Itachi and Kisame, and now I'm really getting into it. Hehe, Sasuke running to try to save Naruto from his brother - it's kinda sweet, actually, worrying over lil' Naru-chan like that.
Hehe... okay, my ramblings end. :) Now here's Chapter Four: I Hurt Myself Too.
-
"It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to, you still have to find the strength to say in words, what you would normally say on your skin.
-- NICOLE
-
Wednesday morning brought a skull-splitting headache and a nauseous feeling floating around in my stomach. I felt sick, and I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed, unmoving, unthinking - I didn't feel well; it was going to be a bad day for sure.
I had spoken to Kakashi two days before - I'd told him everything. About my parents, about my attempts at suicide, even about the way I'd been feeling so often. He'd consoled me, and I was surprised at how much wisdom he could hold - after all, he did flaunt the fact that he was a pervert quite obviously.
But the words he'd said to me were something that I'd thought about many times, but had never really heard - it was something I'd needed desperately. I would have never thought that someone like him could have said something so unbelievably smart and emotional.
In the shower that morning, I raked my fingernails across my back; by the sting of the water, I was sure I drew blood. It was a comfortable feeling, and I wanted more, but I knew if I did anything more than a scratch it would cause a commotion with my friends. And Iruka would ask questions; Kakashi would probably scold me.
After a quick breakfast, I ran out the door, Kakashi standing at the bottom of the stairs to see me off, to see if I was going to be okay. "I know you're dealing with a lot, Naruto," he'd said, hand on my shoulder and eyes aged considerably. "But if it ever gets to be too much, remember: I'm here."
The problem was talking though; I'd never been good at expressing my emotions. It was just something I'd never done with my mother and father; it was something they hadn't really taught me.
I was early to school, and on the way to English I ran into Iruka. His expression was pained when he looked at me, and I didn't understand why until we got into his classroom. He took me by the shoulders, shaking me gently, eyes beginning to tear. He stopped though, and held me closely, tightly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Iruka whispered, his voice solemn and quiet, cracking. "Why didn't you tell me, Naruto?"
I looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion; I didn't understand what he was trying to say. What did he mean? I knew, though, as soon as he grabbed my wrist. Kakashi had obviously talked to him.
He was sad, worried, probably feeling betrayed that I hadn't confided in him my deepest, darkest secret. But Kakashi had been the only one there, he'd had the look that he knew things, and he did. Without me telling him half of the things I'd been through, he'd guessed all of it. That's what I told Iruka, since Kakashi had told him everything else.
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry," I said, letting my eyes fall to the floor at our feet. "Besides, you're always so busy; I didn't want to take any more time out of your schedule."
Iruka sighed, lifting my chin so my eyes would meet his. "Naruto," he began, quietly and kind, "It doesn't matter how busy or stressed I may seem. I'll always have time for you. No matter what. Okay?"
I nodded, this time the tears were clouding my eyes, and smiled. It was small, but grateful. And real. He didn't know how thankful I truly was, and I doubt I would ever be able to show it, or even return part of the deed. So I hugged him, hugged him as hard as I could, buried my head into his chest. "Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
It was a mantra, and I kept repeating it, over and over and over again. It wouldn't seem to stop. I was so thankful, but I wondered how long it would take for me to really trust him fully. But I knew that he would be there for me whenever I needed him.
And for that, he would never know how thankful I was. I was sure of it.
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The day passed quickly and quietly, and I had no more run-ins with unruly emotions. Iruka said farewell, telling me he'd see me later that evening when he went to Kakashi's for dinner. Wednesday's were like a ritual for the three of us, me and Iruka joining Kakashi for dinner and a show. Sometimes we'd talk, but mostly we just sat around and watched old films until it was time to go home.
It was a nice time, a time for relaxing and having fun. I was allowed to be myself, I didn't have to lie or put on a mask. It was like all the family time I'd missed I was slowly regaining with my landlord and my teacher. It was refreshing, actually.
I didn't want to be late, so I rushed home, hopefully having enough time to get cleaned up. However, I wasn't expecting to run into an angry, brooding, black-heart. It was unexpected and surprising, but kind of wanted, I suppose. Now I had a reason to talk to him.
"Sasuke," I nodded. It was weird seeing him outside of school, with the sun on half-shine, the sky clouded with gray. Usually I only saw him in class, the fluorescent lights making his skin look too pale, like death almost. This light, however, made him look warm, human even. I could see why the girls liked him so much.
He didn't say anything, just scowled like I wasn't worth his time and turned away. Before he could get too far, I grabbed his arm, making sure my grip wasn't too tight. His eyes only narrowed further. I realized that our collision had brought his sleeves up a bit.
I brought him closer to me, partly so I could see his scars, partly so I could feel his warmth and presence. It was almost reassuring.
Slowly, I traced my finger over a bright red scar, the newest, I presumed. Sasuke yanked his arm away, ready to run, but I called him back, though I don't know why he stopped. I pulled up my own sleeve, showed him my own scars.
I think he was a little surprised. I wasn't normally unhappy, especially enough to do something like kill myself, hurt myself. Which I understood completely. Most of the people I'd told - which were few - made that same mistake.
"Why did you do it?" I asked, looking up into his eyes. It was the first time I'd looked at him straight on, and when I did, a chill ran down my spine. It wasn't a bad feeling though; it was warm and welcoming, albeit shocking.
"That's none of your business." His tone was clipped, cold; obviously he wasn't used to showing or using much emotion. Sometimes I wished I could be like that, to show what I was really feeling, because nothing was what I felt most of the time.
When he walked away I followed him, walking beside him. I was looking at him, eyes saddened, biting my lip, hands quivering. I was about to tell someone else about something I thought I'd never tell anyone.
"I'm a failure to my father," I said, voice silent and shaky. I sparked his attention, though he tried his hardest not to show it. His ears perked, his head tilted, a curious puppy in disguise. I had to restrain myself from petting him.
"I tried to end it, but he only became colder towards me. My mother couldn't stand to look at me. I thought that if I moved out, everything would get better." I paused, not completely sure what to say after that. He looked at me then, wondering why I had stopped. "It didn't," I whispered. "Not completely."
I watched the cracks in the sidewalk as we walked, barely aware that I had already passed my apartment.
We went in silence, even in the thunder and the light rain; we stood before a tall iron gate, and briefly I wondered why we had stopped. Sasuke seemed bored, staring with averted eyes, hands in his pockets. It was quiet - too quiet.
"Why did we stop?" I finally asked, looking up at the gate and wondering where the hell we were.
"This is my home," he deadpanned, staring me down.
"Oh." I nodded my head once, furrowing my brows. "Oh!" My eyes widened. It seemed to hit me then, that I had walked him home, gone past my own home; that we were standing around outside his gate, saying nothing. "Uh, see you tomorrow then."
I waved, glancing around to see which direction I was supposed to go, then turned around, but not before seeing the uncertain frown on Sasuke's face.
I could only wonder what was going on inside his mind as I walked home, ready for the dinner with Kakashi and Iruka.
-
To Be Continued...
CHAPTER TITLE: I Hurt Myself Too
AUTHOR: Oturan Ikamazu
RATING: T (rating may increase in further chapters)
WARNING: Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.
STORY SUMMARY: Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.
CHAPTER SUMMARY: Iruka confronts Naruto, then Naruto confronts Sasuke.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so I started writing the last chapter, though I'm still working on the rest. Weird, I know, but it had to be done. I don't think I would've remembered had I waited until I was finished with all the other chapters, so I started it, and I was crying my eyes out all night. But I was satisfied for the first half. (That's all I've written so far...)
This one is a little short I suppose, probably about 100 words or so, but some interesting things happen - in this chapter and the following. I don't think there is as much angst in this one as some of the others. If there's not enough for you in this one, then wait till the next few chapters, where the angst is turned up a notch or two.
This story is getting exciting, though I haven't completely figured it all out - at least I know how it ends, and I'm working on the middle, so it should be okay, if only I could keep my mind tasked to this. Which, lately, hasn't been much of a problem, as it's mostly all I think about.
I've also been reading the Naruto manga (online) and it's getting really good! So far, I've met Itachi and Kisame, and now I'm really getting into it. Hehe, Sasuke running to try to save Naruto from his brother - it's kinda sweet, actually, worrying over lil' Naru-chan like that.
Hehe... okay, my ramblings end. :) Now here's Chapter Four: I Hurt Myself Too.
-
"It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to, you still have to find the strength to say in words, what you would normally say on your skin.
-- NICOLE
-
Wednesday morning brought a skull-splitting headache and a nauseous feeling floating around in my stomach. I felt sick, and I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed, unmoving, unthinking - I didn't feel well; it was going to be a bad day for sure.
I had spoken to Kakashi two days before - I'd told him everything. About my parents, about my attempts at suicide, even about the way I'd been feeling so often. He'd consoled me, and I was surprised at how much wisdom he could hold - after all, he did flaunt the fact that he was a pervert quite obviously.
But the words he'd said to me were something that I'd thought about many times, but had never really heard - it was something I'd needed desperately. I would have never thought that someone like him could have said something so unbelievably smart and emotional.
In the shower that morning, I raked my fingernails across my back; by the sting of the water, I was sure I drew blood. It was a comfortable feeling, and I wanted more, but I knew if I did anything more than a scratch it would cause a commotion with my friends. And Iruka would ask questions; Kakashi would probably scold me.
After a quick breakfast, I ran out the door, Kakashi standing at the bottom of the stairs to see me off, to see if I was going to be okay. "I know you're dealing with a lot, Naruto," he'd said, hand on my shoulder and eyes aged considerably. "But if it ever gets to be too much, remember: I'm here."
The problem was talking though; I'd never been good at expressing my emotions. It was just something I'd never done with my mother and father; it was something they hadn't really taught me.
I was early to school, and on the way to English I ran into Iruka. His expression was pained when he looked at me, and I didn't understand why until we got into his classroom. He took me by the shoulders, shaking me gently, eyes beginning to tear. He stopped though, and held me closely, tightly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Iruka whispered, his voice solemn and quiet, cracking. "Why didn't you tell me, Naruto?"
I looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion; I didn't understand what he was trying to say. What did he mean? I knew, though, as soon as he grabbed my wrist. Kakashi had obviously talked to him.
He was sad, worried, probably feeling betrayed that I hadn't confided in him my deepest, darkest secret. But Kakashi had been the only one there, he'd had the look that he knew things, and he did. Without me telling him half of the things I'd been through, he'd guessed all of it. That's what I told Iruka, since Kakashi had told him everything else.
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry," I said, letting my eyes fall to the floor at our feet. "Besides, you're always so busy; I didn't want to take any more time out of your schedule."
Iruka sighed, lifting my chin so my eyes would meet his. "Naruto," he began, quietly and kind, "It doesn't matter how busy or stressed I may seem. I'll always have time for you. No matter what. Okay?"
I nodded, this time the tears were clouding my eyes, and smiled. It was small, but grateful. And real. He didn't know how thankful I truly was, and I doubt I would ever be able to show it, or even return part of the deed. So I hugged him, hugged him as hard as I could, buried my head into his chest. "Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
It was a mantra, and I kept repeating it, over and over and over again. It wouldn't seem to stop. I was so thankful, but I wondered how long it would take for me to really trust him fully. But I knew that he would be there for me whenever I needed him.
And for that, he would never know how thankful I was. I was sure of it.
0
0-1-0
0-1-2-1-0
0-1-2-3-2-1-0
0-1-2-1-0
0-1-0
0
The day passed quickly and quietly, and I had no more run-ins with unruly emotions. Iruka said farewell, telling me he'd see me later that evening when he went to Kakashi's for dinner. Wednesday's were like a ritual for the three of us, me and Iruka joining Kakashi for dinner and a show. Sometimes we'd talk, but mostly we just sat around and watched old films until it was time to go home.
It was a nice time, a time for relaxing and having fun. I was allowed to be myself, I didn't have to lie or put on a mask. It was like all the family time I'd missed I was slowly regaining with my landlord and my teacher. It was refreshing, actually.
I didn't want to be late, so I rushed home, hopefully having enough time to get cleaned up. However, I wasn't expecting to run into an angry, brooding, black-heart. It was unexpected and surprising, but kind of wanted, I suppose. Now I had a reason to talk to him.
"Sasuke," I nodded. It was weird seeing him outside of school, with the sun on half-shine, the sky clouded with gray. Usually I only saw him in class, the fluorescent lights making his skin look too pale, like death almost. This light, however, made him look warm, human even. I could see why the girls liked him so much.
He didn't say anything, just scowled like I wasn't worth his time and turned away. Before he could get too far, I grabbed his arm, making sure my grip wasn't too tight. His eyes only narrowed further. I realized that our collision had brought his sleeves up a bit.
I brought him closer to me, partly so I could see his scars, partly so I could feel his warmth and presence. It was almost reassuring.
Slowly, I traced my finger over a bright red scar, the newest, I presumed. Sasuke yanked his arm away, ready to run, but I called him back, though I don't know why he stopped. I pulled up my own sleeve, showed him my own scars.
I think he was a little surprised. I wasn't normally unhappy, especially enough to do something like kill myself, hurt myself. Which I understood completely. Most of the people I'd told - which were few - made that same mistake.
"Why did you do it?" I asked, looking up into his eyes. It was the first time I'd looked at him straight on, and when I did, a chill ran down my spine. It wasn't a bad feeling though; it was warm and welcoming, albeit shocking.
"That's none of your business." His tone was clipped, cold; obviously he wasn't used to showing or using much emotion. Sometimes I wished I could be like that, to show what I was really feeling, because nothing was what I felt most of the time.
When he walked away I followed him, walking beside him. I was looking at him, eyes saddened, biting my lip, hands quivering. I was about to tell someone else about something I thought I'd never tell anyone.
"I'm a failure to my father," I said, voice silent and shaky. I sparked his attention, though he tried his hardest not to show it. His ears perked, his head tilted, a curious puppy in disguise. I had to restrain myself from petting him.
"I tried to end it, but he only became colder towards me. My mother couldn't stand to look at me. I thought that if I moved out, everything would get better." I paused, not completely sure what to say after that. He looked at me then, wondering why I had stopped. "It didn't," I whispered. "Not completely."
I watched the cracks in the sidewalk as we walked, barely aware that I had already passed my apartment.
We went in silence, even in the thunder and the light rain; we stood before a tall iron gate, and briefly I wondered why we had stopped. Sasuke seemed bored, staring with averted eyes, hands in his pockets. It was quiet - too quiet.
"Why did we stop?" I finally asked, looking up at the gate and wondering where the hell we were.
"This is my home," he deadpanned, staring me down.
"Oh." I nodded my head once, furrowing my brows. "Oh!" My eyes widened. It seemed to hit me then, that I had walked him home, gone past my own home; that we were standing around outside his gate, saying nothing. "Uh, see you tomorrow then."
I waved, glancing around to see which direction I was supposed to go, then turned around, but not before seeing the uncertain frown on Sasuke's face.
I could only wonder what was going on inside his mind as I walked home, ready for the dinner with Kakashi and Iruka.
-
To Be Continued...
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