Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Chapter 3
Kelly looked around at the décors of the bar, and the sorts of people that made up its customers. She also noticed that the type of music being played was a quiet jazz piece, barely noticeable.
"Wow," she said to Gia, "How inner city twenty-something of you? This is some place I'd regularly be going to, not you."
"I had a date here once," Gia answered, taking their drinks to a spare table.
"With who-a lecturer?" Kelly sat with her.
"No, younger. Quite a bit younger than me, and thought I was quite a bit older than I was."
"So your entire relationship was built on an insult towards you. And I thought I had relationship problems," Kelly said, looking around again at the bar, "It is a nice bar, though. So the date wasn't an entire failure. And trust me, I know failures."
Gia sipped at her drink, "So, as it's just us, would you mind telling me what the hell Steve' problem is?"
Kelly was suddenly startled. "Ah," she said slowly, "So you know."
"I'm not an idiot. I can spot when someone's avoiding me in general."
"Yeah, Nick said pretty much the same thing, but even he didn't think you'd catch on so quickly," Kelly said, finishing her drink in one gulp before beginning, "Steve's an arse, end of story."
"Oh I knew that."
"Steve and Nick, they're the same person in some ways. They both don't particularly like meeting new people, or being particularly nice to the friends they already have. But Nick's more consistent about it, whereas Steve is likely to be friendly as long as it takes to get laid."
"I don't see the connection-"
"Steve doesn't want you as a sexual conquest so he sees no reason to get to know you in general," Kelly explained.
"He doesn't see me sexually?" Gia asked, wondering whether she should be grateful or insulted.
"Oh, be grateful. Do you really want someone out your window at 3am at night drunkenly shouting "I freakin' luv you, Gia!"-because that's what Steve is offering," Kelly explained, "We came up with an alternative explanation today which you might prefer. Steve's afraid of women."
"But you're a-"
"Mmm, yes. But he has a slightly backward view of women. And as I tend to order him around, and can out drink him when and where he chooses-I don't fit that profile."
"Well, we can't keep working like this-"
"Why not? It's working well so far, and you think I particularly liked our two male leads before you came along?"
"I though you had...y'know," Gia said, gesturing wildly.
Kelly laughed in one short yelp, "Hell no! Steve's a deceitful bastard, and Nick's an unfeeling swine. And they both have a backbone that is particularly hard to break-nothing I like in a guy. Seriously, all they need is a vagina, and they'll have everything I don't want in a partner."
Gia smiled, but was careful not to get distracted, "But seriously, if things don't get better soon between us I think I'll have to leave."
"Screw that! You'll leave over my dead body, and no doubt Steve's as well," Kelly said, "Think about this-I like you working with us, even Nick likes you working with us, and he doesn't much like anyone. So what if Steve doesn't like you-the odds are still in your favour."
"Thanks," Gia responded, taking Kelly's hand, "Nick told me how stubborn you could be."
"He's one to talk," Kelly said, then suddenly appeared startled, "Don't move!"
"What?" Gia hissed back.
"Very carefully, look backwards."
Gia looked around to see a man a few years older than her, with jet black hair. Based on his face, she would have presumed him a Goth, until she saw the suit accompanying it-probably a mod then. He smiled at her, and Gia smiled back.
"Do the hair thing!" Kelly hissed into her ear, "Get him to come over."
"Why?"
"Gia! He was totally checking you out. Seems good enough to talk to."
"Maybe he was checking you out."
Kelly mused this over, "Possibly, but I'm already seeing....um...someone, I'll get back to you on the name. Anyway, what I'm saying is I'm taking, and you're not."
Gia turned to face her friend, pointing, "If he's a psycho-"
"I'll by you a vodka and coke, drink it, then throw the glass at him. Got it, plan sorted. Now flirt already!"
Gia turned back to the man and gave him a short wave. He began to walk over to the table.
"All I was suggesting was the hair thing, and you gave him a wave. Ooh, you saucy minx, you're really gagging for it aren't you?" Kelly whispered into Gia's ear.
"Do you want to, maybe, go away somewhere, Kelly?"
"Hey, I'm here to protect you in case he's a psycho, remember?"
"He doesn't look like one, I'll be safe. You can go now."
"Well, what does a psycho look like?" Kelly argued as an evil thought entered her mind, "Only one way to find out."
Kelly immediately got up out of her chair and walked over to the man. "Excuse me. We were just wondering, you aren't a stalker, murderer, date-raper or other kind of psycho, are you?"
The man stood absolutely still, his throat clicking as it tried to produce words his mind hadn't yet thought up. Kelly turned to Gia and smiled.
"Oh, this is going to be great. I'll be at the bar if you want me."
Kelly looked around at the décors of the bar, and the sorts of people that made up its customers. She also noticed that the type of music being played was a quiet jazz piece, barely noticeable.
"Wow," she said to Gia, "How inner city twenty-something of you? This is some place I'd regularly be going to, not you."
"I had a date here once," Gia answered, taking their drinks to a spare table.
"With who-a lecturer?" Kelly sat with her.
"No, younger. Quite a bit younger than me, and thought I was quite a bit older than I was."
"So your entire relationship was built on an insult towards you. And I thought I had relationship problems," Kelly said, looking around again at the bar, "It is a nice bar, though. So the date wasn't an entire failure. And trust me, I know failures."
Gia sipped at her drink, "So, as it's just us, would you mind telling me what the hell Steve' problem is?"
Kelly was suddenly startled. "Ah," she said slowly, "So you know."
"I'm not an idiot. I can spot when someone's avoiding me in general."
"Yeah, Nick said pretty much the same thing, but even he didn't think you'd catch on so quickly," Kelly said, finishing her drink in one gulp before beginning, "Steve's an arse, end of story."
"Oh I knew that."
"Steve and Nick, they're the same person in some ways. They both don't particularly like meeting new people, or being particularly nice to the friends they already have. But Nick's more consistent about it, whereas Steve is likely to be friendly as long as it takes to get laid."
"I don't see the connection-"
"Steve doesn't want you as a sexual conquest so he sees no reason to get to know you in general," Kelly explained.
"He doesn't see me sexually?" Gia asked, wondering whether she should be grateful or insulted.
"Oh, be grateful. Do you really want someone out your window at 3am at night drunkenly shouting "I freakin' luv you, Gia!"-because that's what Steve is offering," Kelly explained, "We came up with an alternative explanation today which you might prefer. Steve's afraid of women."
"But you're a-"
"Mmm, yes. But he has a slightly backward view of women. And as I tend to order him around, and can out drink him when and where he chooses-I don't fit that profile."
"Well, we can't keep working like this-"
"Why not? It's working well so far, and you think I particularly liked our two male leads before you came along?"
"I though you had...y'know," Gia said, gesturing wildly.
Kelly laughed in one short yelp, "Hell no! Steve's a deceitful bastard, and Nick's an unfeeling swine. And they both have a backbone that is particularly hard to break-nothing I like in a guy. Seriously, all they need is a vagina, and they'll have everything I don't want in a partner."
Gia smiled, but was careful not to get distracted, "But seriously, if things don't get better soon between us I think I'll have to leave."
"Screw that! You'll leave over my dead body, and no doubt Steve's as well," Kelly said, "Think about this-I like you working with us, even Nick likes you working with us, and he doesn't much like anyone. So what if Steve doesn't like you-the odds are still in your favour."
"Thanks," Gia responded, taking Kelly's hand, "Nick told me how stubborn you could be."
"He's one to talk," Kelly said, then suddenly appeared startled, "Don't move!"
"What?" Gia hissed back.
"Very carefully, look backwards."
Gia looked around to see a man a few years older than her, with jet black hair. Based on his face, she would have presumed him a Goth, until she saw the suit accompanying it-probably a mod then. He smiled at her, and Gia smiled back.
"Do the hair thing!" Kelly hissed into her ear, "Get him to come over."
"Why?"
"Gia! He was totally checking you out. Seems good enough to talk to."
"Maybe he was checking you out."
Kelly mused this over, "Possibly, but I'm already seeing....um...someone, I'll get back to you on the name. Anyway, what I'm saying is I'm taking, and you're not."
Gia turned to face her friend, pointing, "If he's a psycho-"
"I'll by you a vodka and coke, drink it, then throw the glass at him. Got it, plan sorted. Now flirt already!"
Gia turned back to the man and gave him a short wave. He began to walk over to the table.
"All I was suggesting was the hair thing, and you gave him a wave. Ooh, you saucy minx, you're really gagging for it aren't you?" Kelly whispered into Gia's ear.
"Do you want to, maybe, go away somewhere, Kelly?"
"Hey, I'm here to protect you in case he's a psycho, remember?"
"He doesn't look like one, I'll be safe. You can go now."
"Well, what does a psycho look like?" Kelly argued as an evil thought entered her mind, "Only one way to find out."
Kelly immediately got up out of her chair and walked over to the man. "Excuse me. We were just wondering, you aren't a stalker, murderer, date-raper or other kind of psycho, are you?"
The man stood absolutely still, his throat clicking as it tried to produce words his mind hadn't yet thought up. Kelly turned to Gia and smiled.
"Oh, this is going to be great. I'll be at the bar if you want me."
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