Darren has an even worse day than the day Daniel left him.
How are you? I hope you're well! Bet you thought you'd heard the last from me, hey? No such luck; I'm like a bad penny!
Anyway, the main reason I'm writing is to apologise for my disgraceful behaviour when you told me about the baby and that you were leaving me. I didn't mean it when I said that I never wanted to see you again, I was just angry and lashing out I guess! But after the way I behaved when I last saw you I wouldn't be surprised if YOU never wanted to see ME again. I realise now that I don't have any right to hold on to you and I had no right to beg you to stay with me. I was being my usual, 'drama queen' self and totally selfish. I'm really sorry for everything that I said to you that day, apart from telling you that I love you...that was true, always has been, and always will be; I just couldn't bear to be just your friend...not yet anyway! Maybe one day, that's assuming that you would still want me for a friend anyway; I hope you understand.
Since you left I've thought about you every day, wondering how you are, whether you're happy with Kathy; I sincerely hope that you are. Now that I've lost you I would hate to think that you're not happy. I heard from mum that you and Kathy had a little girl, congratulations! I really mean that, Danny, I know how much having a child meant to you. I'm sure your daughter is beautiful, especially if she looks anything like you. Maybe I'll get to meet her one day? It's a pity we couldn't have had a child together, can you imagine it; me carrying your child inside of me? Why did nature have to be so cruel as to not make that possible?
You'll think I'm a real sad case but I've not been with anyone else since you and I parted, my heart isn't in it anymore, I guess it still belongs to you. I know I should get out and try to meet someone else and maybe I will one day but I just can't be bothered right now, I still only want you. Don't worry, I understand now that I can't have you and that you will probably never be mine again. I got it loud and clear when you were able to walk away from me with hardly a backwards glance.
It's funny but I had so much I wanted to say to you but now it comes to it I can't think of much to say. At least I've said the most important thing, that I'm sorry and I truly am! I just hope that you will be able to forgive me for the way I behaved; I will grow up one day I promise! If I hear back from you I'll write more next time, until then take care and always remember that I love you!
All my love forever
I thought that last day that I saw you, the day that you walked out of my life forever, was the worst day of my life, but I was so wrong; today is even worse...much, much worse! It's nine months later, and I haven't seen or heard from you since that day, Kathy called and asked me to be here today.
There, sat on your mum's lap at the front of the church, was your baby daughter, Clare. She's only two months old but she already looks just like you; she's so cute but it breaks my heart to think that she is the one thing that I couldn't give you. She had your baby and I could never give you that so she got you, I couldn't compete. Life's so unfair!
I thought I'd lost you months ago when Kathy told you about the baby and you decided to 'do the right thing', but now I know for sure that I really have lost you and you're never coming back to me. I sat at the back of the church and I hardly heard the service as I was crying too much, today makes it all so final, there's no going back from this. I couldn't even make it through the whole service; I left before the end and went outside to just cry alone. Later, when everyone had left, I was alone with you one last time.
"I'm so sorry Danny, I'm sorry for what I said...for the way I behaved...I behaved like a spoilt child. You were right, you had to be with her, it was the only decent thing to do and you've always been the most decent and lovely person I ever met. I should have just kept my dignity and let you go to her. I was being a real drama queen and so selfish, I know that now, but I love you so much and, despite what I said about you needing me, I knew that I needed you more...I've never been able to cope too well without you. I've always depended on you for so much...you were always the strong one. I know that you always loved me as much as I loved you and I hope that you know how much I love you...that I never stopped loving you! I said you'd be sorry for leaving me...I was wrong...I'm the one who's sorry!"
As more tears started cascading down my cheeks I fell to my knees and just sobbed wholeheartedly. I've never cried so much in all my life as I have in the past week or so. I don't know how long I've been here crying, but I notice that the light is starting to fade; I know I should go home but I don't want to leave you. I wish I could stay here with you forever but I know that I can't...I have to go.
"I'm truly sorry Danny, you'll always be here in my heart, and I'll always love you...I hope you know that. Please forgive me...I love you!"
Then with tears still falling I stood and kissed the single red rose that I bought for you before placing it with the other flowers...you got such a lot Danny...everyone loves you and we'll all miss you. I know you're in a good place, you deserve to be, and hopefully we'll meet up there one day. In the meantime I'll keep an eye on Kathy and Clare for you and I'll make sure that Clare knows how wonderful her daddy was.
As I walked from your grave I thought back to this morning when I went to see you in the chapel of rest, I've never seen a dead person before, but you looked so beautiful and peaceful; it looked like you were just sleeping. I apologised then too, I don't know if you can hear me but I'd like to think that you can, that maybe you can even hear my thoughts. It was a small comfort when I saw that you were still wearing the ring that I'd bought you, I wondered why Kathy had left that on you. I stayed with you for as long as I could then I kissed you gently, and said goodbye.
Then I went to your house and waited with Kathy and the rest of your family and friends. Your mum was inconsolable, so was Kathy but she was trying to be strong for Clare, she didn't want to get her upset; Kathy was so brave! I kept my feelings hidden as much as I could so as to not upset Kathy or your mum further, it was so hard, but I knew that, officially at least, they had more right to grieve for you than I did. Soon it was time to leave for your funeral.
Afterwards I couldn't face going straight back to the house with the others, that's why I stayed behind at your graveside, saying that I wanted some time alone with you and that I would go to see Kathy later. I was at your graveside so long that by the time I got to your house most people had gone. Soon yours and Kathy's families, the last of the guests, had left and then there was just Kathy, me and Clare. Kathy's parents had said they would stay but Kathy insisted that she wanted to be alone, saying that she had to learn how to cope alone at some time so she may as well start now. I felt I should stay for a while longer and Kathy was ok with that, she made some more coffee and we talked properly for the first time that day. I was really surprised at something she said to me after we'd been talking for a while.
"You know he never stopped loving you!" she said to me.
"Sorry?" I replied, not sure what she meant.
"I said he never stopped loving you...he loved you right to the end."
"Yeah...I knew...he thought I didn't but I did! Did you notice I left your ring on his finger?"
"You knew it was mine?"
"I guessed as much, although he never said. He would often go off into little daydreams and he would play with the ring subconsciously, twirling it around his finger. I could tell it meant a lot to him, that's why I left it on him."
"I don't know what to say...except...thank you!"
"It was your ring he wanted to wear so it seemed right for him to be buried with it; I'm not sure if he and I would ever have exchanged rings!"
"And yet you still stayed with him?"
"I loved him...I knew that I was only second best for him but it didn't matter that he didn't love me as much as he loved you...it didn't stop me loving him and wanting to be with him!"
"It can't have been easy for you!"
"No, it wasn't but when I found out that I was pregnant and he said he would stand by me I was so happy...I thought that maybe he would learn to love me the way I knew he loved you. He never did! He loved Clare...he loved feeling her kick inside me and he insisted on being there with me when she was born, but he never really loved me."
"But he was with you; he spent the last months of his life with you!"
"Yeah, he was with me Darren, but his heart was with you, it was always you that he loved. He was only with me for Clare's sake...I know that."
"I'm sure it was more than that..."
"You two always were lovers weren't you? Even though you never wanted your fans to know! I've worked it out over time, he needed a girlfriend to help keep your relationship secret, anyone would do, and I got the job! Clare was a bonus...made it all seem more authentic...at least I got something out of the deal too."
"He always wanted a child...I could never have given him that...you're so lucky to have been able to give him the one thing that he wanted more than anything else!"
"I'm glad that we had her although it would have been better all round if we hadn't, but I had his baby...you had his heart!"
"He cared about you, enough to do the right thing by you!"
"I know he cared, but he cared more for Clare than he did for me...she was the main reason he was here. Besides caring isn't the same as loving...I wish he had've loved me...the way I loved him!"
"I'm sure he did...in his own way. At least you were with him...he and I weren't even talking! He wanted to stay friends but I couldn't stand to be just his friend...I got so upset when he left me for you that I told him to get out and not to come back...I didn't mean it...I would have gladly taken him back anytime he wanted to come back...but he never did come back...we never spoke from that day on! I wrote to him a few weeks ago, to apologize for what I said and to tell him that I still loved him...I don't even know if he got the letter...he never replied!"
"He got the letter!" she said simply.
"He did? Then that shows how little he cared about me, if he couldn't even be bothered to reply!"
"He was busy, Clare wasn't too well...she had a cold and we were worried about her...plus he didn't know how to reply, what to say...but he did eventually sit down and write you a letter!"
"I never got it!"
"That's because he didn't get a chance to post it! He wrote it on the day of the accident and took it with him ...he was going to post it while he was out but the accident happened before he got a chance...they found it in his pocket when they got him out of the wreckage of the car! I still have it if you want to read it."
"You kept it for me?" I said, surprised.
"Darren...I'm not vindictive...you were the love of his life and whatever he put in that letter is the last thing that he said to you, of course I kept it for you; I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I destroyed it instead of giving it to you!"
I could feel my tears threatening again; this was the most awful day of my life.
"Would you like the letter?" she asked me.
"Yeah I would...what did he say?"
"I don't know...he didn't tell me. I'll just get it for you."
She left the room and I sat there looking at your baby daughter sat in her chair, blissfully unaware of all that had happened; she was the lucky one except she'll never know her daddy, she'll never know how wonderful you were. Kathy returned to the room and handed me the letter.
"She looks just like him, doesn't she?" I said without taking my eyes off the baby. "So like him..."
"Yeah she does," she agreed.
I then looked at the letter she'd placed in my hand and saw my name and address written in your handwriting. I couldn't face opening it there, I said I would read it later; I wanted to be alone when I read it.
"Would you mind if I come to visit Clare sometimes?"
"Of course I wouldn't mind; I'd like it if you did. I know you and I were rivals for Daniel's love but I bear you no animosity, Darren. Daniel's dead, it would be nice if we can be friends for the sake of his memory and for her...I'm sure Daniel would like for her to know you."
"I'd like to get to know her...she's the closest thing we have to Daniel now and I would also like for you and I to be friends."
"I'd like that too. I didn't do it to trap him you know...I didn't deliberately get pregnant!"
"I didn't say that you did!"
"Yes you did...Daniel told me...but you were wrong!"
"I was angry Kath...I didn't mean it...I know you're too sweet to think of doing such a thing! I was so jealous of you when I found out you were pregnant, especially when Daniel said it was over between us because he had to be with you, but I'm so glad that you had her now that he's gone. If ever you need someone to talk to, you can call me, you know that right?"
"Thanks Darren...and if you ever need a shoulder..."
I meant what I said to her, I know you didn't really love her but she loved you and her heart had to be breaking as much as mine. I knew exactly what she was going through and I wanted to be there for her and Clare.
After leaving Kathy, I drove home and then I realised that I still had to read your letter...I took it out of my pocket and went to the bedroom and sat on the bed. I looked at the envelope again. I was so scared of opening it...what did you write...would I like what you'd said? Were you telling me that you never wanted to see or hear from me again? I remembered that Kathy said you wrote it before you went out on the day you were killed, that means that this letter holds the last thoughts that you had of me. I looked at the envelope for the longest time, thinking about you and what you might have been thinking at the time.
I eventually decided to open the letter, no matter what it said I had to know what you thought of me right before you died. With trembling hands I opened the envelope, took out the letter, and read it.
My dearest Darren,
It's been so long but I'm glad that you wrote, I was so happy to hear from you! I really thought that you meant it that day when you told me to get out and to never come back, especially as you've not been in touch since. I'm so glad to know that you still love me...you have no idea how much I've missed you. I know you think that it was easier for me to leave you that day than it was for you to be left, but you're wrong; my heart was breaking just as much when I left that day. I only managed to drive to the end of the road before I had to pull over because I was crying so much; my heart was in as many pieces as I know yours was that day. I almost turned back but I knew I couldn't, I knew that I had to go to Kathy and take care of her and the baby.
As you know, Kathy gave birth to a baby girl seven weeks ago, and as you can see in the enclosed photo, she's beautiful! Kathy is convinced she looks just like me but I still think she's beautiful, ha ha! It's such a wonderful feeling to know that I am responsible for this little person being here although it's a bit scary to know that I'm also responsible for taking care of her too. I want to do everything I can for her; I've even learned how to change nappies, would you believe? I love her so much, none of what happened is her fault; I hope you don't blame her. I'd like it if you would come for a visit sometime soon so you can meet her, I'd love for you and her to know each other.
I also wish that she could have been our little girl; I wish you could have carried her for me. I would have been so proud to feel her kicking inside of you, but that was never going to be possible; unfortunately, although you have some really impressive equipment, you don't have the right equipment for that! And you're right nature is cruel.
You were right about Kathy, I don't love her, not really; I like her a lot, I care about her, she's the mother of my child, but I don't love her. I'm making the best of the situation with her for Clare's sake but I don't know if it's really going to work out long term; can it work without a two way love? I don't know but I'll give it a fair go. I don't think that we will get married, when I said my vows I would be lying...I don't know if I can do that! How can I stand up in front of our friends and families and say that I pledge my life and love to her when it's not true? The only time it would be true is if I were saying the vows to you; I could never love anyone the way I love you, and yes I do mean love you, because I still do love you, I always have, and I always will. I miss you so much that I sometimes sit in my den and listen to your CD's with my headphones on just so I can hear your voice! How sad is that? I still wear the ring you bought me, I don't know if Kathy realises the significance of it but I'll never take it off. Do you still wear your ring? I hope you do because when I placed it on your finger I wanted it to be there forever as a symbol of our love.
Anyway, I would love it if you can find it in your heart to really forgive me and try to be friends again, although I know it will be difficult after what we've shared in the past. Maybe when Clare's a bit older you and I will get back together but I understand if you don't want to after I left you the way I did. I miss you so much, so many times I've wanted to call you, but I was always too afraid of what you might say if I did call you. You said you never wanted to see me again, and until I got your letter, I thought you really meant it, now I know that you didn't. Thanks for telling me that, it really cheered me up!
You also said I'd be sorry for leaving you, and I am; I am more sorry than you could ever know. I had to do the right thing for the sake of my child but there isn't a day that's gone by without me missing you and wishing that it was still you sharing my bed. I wake up some mornings and I think you're there and then I see Kathy...she's not the worst sight to wake up to but...she's not you!
Has there really not been anyone else for you since I left? You'd be one hell of a catch for anyone, man or woman and if you wanted another lover you wouldn't have any difficulty finding someone to love you. I have to stay with Kathy for now at least until Clare is a bit older, but if there is even a small chance that you'll wait for me I promise I'll be yours again one day.
I'm sorry for babbling on (I'm not even sure that it all makes sense!) but I had so much that I wanted to say to you. I'll call you in a week or so...I'll make sure you'll have received this letter first. I love you, sweetheart; take care and hopefully one day we will be together again.
All my love always and forever
My heart truly is breaking now; I finished reading your letter with tears streaming down my face. I'll treasure this letter for the rest of my life; it has your last thoughts of me contained in its pages. Your last thoughts just hours before you were killed in that car accident were that you still loved me and that you wanted to come back to me one day.
After I lost you, I had nothing to live for and I have even less now, you had everything to live for, a woman who loved you as much as I do, and you had your beautiful daughter. I still can't understand why it had to be you who was killed; I wish it was me instead. It's unbelievable that you were killed in a car accident, you were always one of the safest drivers I ever knew; I think my sister is more of a reckless driver than you were. You were always having a go at me for the way I drive, always telling me I'd get myself killed; it doesn't seem fair that it happened to you instead. According to Kathy, the witnesses to the accident said that you didn't stand a chance when that truck went out of control and crashed into your car.
I'm looking through my tears at the photo you sent me of you holding your baby daughter, you look so happy; she's beautiful and of course I don't blame her, she's just an innocent child. Just like your letter, I'll treasure the photo forever, along with all the wonderful memories I have of you and our life together. And of course I will always wear the ring that you placed on my finger, it has never come off and it never will. I don't regret a single moment that I spent with you; I just regret that we weren't together in the last months of your life.
"Of course I'll wait for you Danny," I whispered through my tears. "Always...I'll always love you! We'll be together again one day...I promise...I don't know when but I'll be there one day; I love you Danny!"