Categories > Movies > Newsies > PSYC 15200 Reviews
Dr. Bruce's Human Sexual Behavior class is a hot choice among students at UNO. After all, in a class like that, anything can happen.
"Now, how many of you--and don't raise your hands--how many of you are under the impression that women truly care about the size of a man's penis?" Dr. Bruce inquired. A small awkward laugh murmured around the room. We were now in our fifth week of classes. Within those five weeks, four days had been spent being book buddies with you-know-who. Luckily, even after he was able to buy his own book, he continued sitting next to me (which proved to be slightly uncomfortable when we covered the anatomy of the male genitalia). Now we were coming upon our first test.
Once the giggling had subsided, our teacher picked up a tablet from a nearby table. "Well, I have conducted surveys among my students for the past four years. In that time, only one woman has ever shown a preference in penis size. Here are some of the comments made by other women:
'Penis size- of course it doesn't matter!'
'And about penis size, we don't care!'
'Also, penis size doesn't mean anything, especially to women.'
'It's not what you have that's so important, but how you use it.'
'It is not the size of the boat that matters, but the motion of the ocean.'"
A huge bout of laughter erupted waking Tony who had been snoring next to me. "Huh?" He looked around in confusion. "What'd I miss?"
The same girl from our first day of class turned around. "Maybe you should start paying attention."
"Bite me." This exchange had become routine. She would scold him for one thing or another and he'd mutter something derogatory. Personally, I think both of them enjoyed it more than they let on.
Dr. Bruce continued. "There's a small section on 'aphrodisiacs' and 'anaphrodisiacs' but I don't have time to go over them with you. That doesn't mean they won't appear on the test; it means you will have to read them on your own." Most students around me began packing, but stopped when he interjected, "Hey! We're not done quite yet! Remember that this Wednesday is your first test. That means you need a green scantron. Not blue. Green. You will also need a photo ID and a number two pencil. I suggest you prepare for the test by studying the study guide in the back of each chapter. Anyone who has taken this class before can tell you that the test mostly comes from the study guide. Also remember that to be a 'Superstar in Sex' you need to take and get an 'A' on all the tests. Good bye and I'll see you on Wednesday."
The "Superstars of Sex" were students who got an 'A' on all the tests and didn't miss more than four days of class. What did being a "Superstar of Sex" mean? Well, for starters you were exempt from the final exam. In addition, your name would appear on a list right outside the doors. Besides, who doesn't want to be able to say they're a superstar of sex? I'm sure it made for a great pick-up line.
After exiting the class, I quickly made my way to the vending machine, fishing some loose change from my pocket, for a much needed bag of pretzels. I fed the money to the machine, pressed the corresponding buttons and...
"Fuck!" I cried banging the machine. The bag had gotten stuck. "No no no no no no no no," I chanted as I tried to will the bag to fall.
"Problem?" There was Chad. See how connected we are? He sensed I was frustrated about something and came to the rescue. It must have been ESP. That or the fact that I was shouting incoherently at an inanimate object. "Here," he offered with a grin, "let me try." He studied the evil machine for a moment before smacking it on the side with a fist. The bag fell down.
"My hero," I joked as I reached in to retrieve the pretzels. "Thanks."
"No problem. I've learned how to deal with vending machines." He turned to leave. "See you on Wednesday!" he called over his shoulder with a wave.
I mutely waved back with what I'm sure was an idiotic smile. God he was hot! I snapped out of my trance to see Tony brushing past me. "Hey, think we could stop at The Cove before going back to the dorm?"
"You go on without me," he said. "I have some things I have to do."
"Talk to someone about something."
"Could you be any more vague?"
"I could try..."
"Fine, I'll see you later then," I responded as I began heading in the opposite direction.
Bienville Hall is one of the most revolting places I've ever seen. When I first saw the rooms while touring the campus, I seriously began to rethink the whole dormitory idea. However, once I remembered the three brothers and two sisters I had at home, I decided to stick it out. Once we had refurbished the room, it was much nicer. I still refuse to walk barefoot in the bathroom, though.
It was Tuesday, the day before the first test. It was drizzling lightly outside and, judging from the dark clouds, more rain was on the way. I was lying on my stomach on my bed trying to absorb as much information as I possibly could. Tony had just gotten out of the shower and was busy getting dressed and groomed.
"Going somewhere?" I asked as he stood in front of a full length mirror, which hung on the back of the bathroom door, running a comb through his hair.
"I have a date."
"You're not going to study for tomorrow's test?"
"It's a study date."
I looked up at him. "Jade? You're going out with Jade?" I furrowed my brow slightly. "Wait a minute. Who the hell is Jade?"
"The loud mouth who sits in front of us."
My eye widened incredulously. "Wow. She actually agreed to this?"
"Well why wouldn't she?" he retorted.
"Gee, I don't know. Maybe the fact that you're at each other's throats on a daily basis."
"Oh, that's just her way of covering up how much she wants me."
"Oh please don't make me puke. What'd you bribe her with?"
He rolled his eyes and let out a sigh of exasperation. "Well if you must know, I told her that I had a friend who took this class before and he gave me his old tests."
"Dr. Bruce doesn't hand the tests back to students," I pointed out.
"Well you know that and I know that."
"So when you show up without any tests, you will...what?"
"Mind if I come along?" I asked. "I'd love to see you get bitch-smacked."
He ignored me. "What time is it?"
"Oops! Gotta run!" And with that he grabbed his raincoat and rushed out the door.
I probably shouldn't have been surprised with what happened next.
About five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Assuming it was Tony (though why he would knock at his own dorm room is beyond me), I snickered as I opened the door. "Did she reject you that quickly?" Upon realizing my mistake, I let out what can only be described as a "meep." Chad, who happened to be the standing in my doorway chuckled slightly. My cheeks reddened. "Chad...I thought you were Tony."
"I figured as much," he nodded. "So you want to get started?"
My eye widened. "Uh..."
"Start studying? For the test?"
"Right...that test for the class that we're in. We can study together because I invited you to come study with me..."
The corners of his mouth twitched upward. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"
I returned the smile and shook my head. "Not a clue."
"I figured as much. I mean, it didn't make sense for Tony to tell me you wanted to study with me when you could have."
Tony! I should have known he was up to something! Memo to self: Kill roommate. Granted, then you may end up with someone worse... Ok, scratch that: Find replacement, then kill roommate. Hm...Maybe Mr. Beautiful is in need of a roommate.
Realizing Chad was still standing there in a wet raincoat I stepped back and opened the door completely. "As long as you're here, I don't mind having someone to study with. Tony went off to study with someone else." I can't imagine why he'd want to be far away from me right now...
"You don't mind?" he asked uncertainly.
Mind? Are you crazy? "Not at all." I forced my "enthusiasm" down.
He entered and shed his coat. Underneath, he was wearing a white wife-beater, and for the first time I was able to see just how built he was. Let me tell you, the boy had muscles. Not bulging muscles, like those guys who enter those competitions. You know, the ones who look like they can't even put their arms down the muscles are so massive? Those guys freak me out. As a fairly petite guy, I'm afraid if I went out with a guy like that, he'd hug me and kill me accidentally not realizing his own strength Ã la Lennie in "Of Mice and Men." Chad's muscles, however, were perfection. I couldn't help but stare a little.
"Huh?" I looked down and saw I was wearing my pajamas. I was wearing my SpongeBob pajamas. They're completely yellow with his face appearing over and over in different expressions. "Uh...yeah. Thanks. So, did you drive all the way out here?" I asked, desperate to change the subject.
"No, I live in Privateer Place."
"Seriously? You're fucking lucky. That place is so much nicer than this place." Not that I'd actually toured it, I had just heard it was better. Pretty hard not to be anyway. "Who are your roommates?"
"Well there's Josh who is studying computer science. The good thing is if your laptop is being a pain, he can fix it. Then there is Ian who is majoring in music."
"Well, he plays a lot of things, but mainly drums right now. Unfortunately, he's supposed to practice an hour a day and sometimes he's got nowhere else to go. Last is David. He's here for English. I guess he's a bit of a 'mother' type. He's always bitching about the place being a mess. A real neat freak, you know?"
"Yeah. Tony and I are both slobs," I explained gesturing to the messy dorm room. A thought dawned on me. "I just realized I have no idea what your major is."
"General Studies. For now," he added. "I'm just not sure what I want to do."
"Sounds like Tony. I'm here for English. I want to be a writer."
"Really?" He looked at me with awe. "I don't know if I could ever voluntarily write something. I'm too ADD for that. What things have you written?"
"Well, mostly short stories right now. I haven't been really inspired enough for a novel. Yet."
"Could I read some of your stuff?"
"Well, maybe sometime." I was sure my entire face was red. "So, uh, I was on chapter two. Do you want to go back to the beginning and work from there?"
"Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question?" Chad had taken a seat in the one and only chair. He was sitting sideways, resting his chin on the back and staring intently at me.
I grinned slightly. "Is it about my eye?"
He smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. I mean If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I've just been wondering about it."
"Nah, it's fine. My left eye is just really sensitive to light. It's nothing major."
"So you actually have another eye under there?"
"Of course I do." As if to prove my point, I lifted the patch slightly to revel my eye which was a much lighter blue than the other one.
"Cool. You must have that 'sexy pirate' thing working in your favor then. I'm sure the girls swoon over you a lot, huh? Or do you already have a girlfriend?"
My heart deflated a bit. At first I had been relieved that he was so oblivious. Now, though, it made me wonder if I was barking up the wrong tree. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time I'd fallen for a straight guy. "No," I answered, "I don't have a girlfriend. You?"
He shook his head. "No." And he left it at that. Well, at least that's a bit of a good sign. Wasn't it?
9:00 rolled around, Tony was still gone, and we had gone through all four chapters at least three times each. I almost thought I never wanted to see another penis as long as I lived, but I'm sure that was just the sleepiness talking.
"I feel prepared," Chad said as we decided to wrap it up. He began gathering his things. I was feeling daring.
"How about I walk with you back to Privateer Place? I mean it's dark out and I wouldn't want you to get mugged."
"Are you serious? It's not exactly nearby. And besides, who will walk back here with you?"
"I'm meeting Tony at the Fine Arts Building anyway." Lie.
He looked unsure. Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes...
"Ok, if you want to." Score! "But you don't have to do this."
"I know," I said as I slipped a pair of jeans over my pajama bottoms and grabbed an umbrella, "I want to."
The rain was still going strong as we exited Bienville Hall and made our way to Privateer Place. The winds seemed to have pick up as well. "Do you want to borrow my coat?" Chad asked when he noticed my umbrella was doing little to actually shield me from the rain.
"Nah," I replied through slightly chattering teeth, "I'll be fine." With that a large gust of wind blew my umbrella completely inside out. I didn't know that was even possible. I thought it was just something done in cartoons for humorous effects. I wrestled with the piece of shit trying to straighten it out. Memo to self: Never buy an umbrella from The Cove ever again.
Chad, who had begun to laugh, shed his coat and draped it over my shoulders. How romantic. Major swoon! "Since you're walking me back to my place, I think it's the least I can do. And when we get there, I'll treat you to a mug of hot chocolate."
I was going to protest and insist he take it back, but I realized it smelled like him so I instead reveled in it. Oh come on! You know you'd have done the same!
Now, as anyone who has witnessed a wet T-shirt contest knows, "water" plus "white T-shirt" usually equals something along the lines of "see-through." Needless to say, by the time we'd reached Privateer Place, Chad's wife beater was soaked thoroughly and my "enthusiasm" had slowly begun to rise and rise.
When we reached the door he pulled out a key, placed it in the lock , then hesitated. "I should warn you about my roommates. They can be a bit...well...you'll see." He bit his lip and pushed open the door.
Wow! This place was a fucking palace compared to my dorm. There was an actual kitchen area, a small dining area, clean bathrooms, and-best of all-everyone got their own room! Un-fucking-believable! I was about to comment when I heard a somewhat shrill voice from one of the bedrooms.
"Chad! Where have you been? It was your turn to do the dishes!" An angry looking guy with curly brown hair and brilliantly blue eyes entered. He barely gave me a glance as he continued. "I keep getting stuck doing it." His shrill voice had now become almost a whine.
"That's because you're the only one who actually cares about it."
The whiner softened his glare and I saw a hint of a smile. "I know, but it still isn't fair!"
"I'll tell you what's not fair," came a second voice from another bedroom. "English 1158! That teacher fucking hates my guts!" A boy with very light blond hair entered. He too had blue eyes, only his peered out from behind a pair of glasses. When he saw Chad he let out a squeal of delight. "MUSHEEE! You're back!"
I raised an eyebrow. "'Mushee?'"
For the first time I can recall I saw Chad-or was it "Mushee?"-blush. It was hard to tell with his dark skin, but I saw a definite pink hue. "That's Ian's nickname for me."
"Because when we were watching 'Casablanca' he started to cry. Then, when we watched 'Gone With the Wind' he cried again. Then, this one time, we were watching-."
"I think he gets the idea," boy number one interjected. "Anyway, we found out that Chad's a really...sensitive guy."
"He likes all that mushy type romance stuff," Ian summed up, "so I decided to call him Mush, or, when I'm hyper-."
"Which is always," boy number one cut in.
Ian stuck his tongue out at him. "When I'm hyper it becomes 'Mushee.'" Finally getting a good look at both Chad and me, Ian raised his eyebrows. "So why are you wearing a sopping wet shirt while he wears your jacket."
Chad dodged the question with introductions. "This, as you may have figured out, is Ian. That," he said pointing at the whiner, "is David. Don't mind his voice. You'll get used to it after a while."
David glared at him. "I am so underappreciated! I mean, what would this place be like if it weren't for me?"
"Quiet," Ian retorted.
"Quiet? With you?"
"Hey! It's not my fault I have to practice. You, however, don't have to be so anal."
"Who's getting anal without me?" Another boy entered, apparently just out of the shower. He had dark black hair which was currently in an unruly mass of curls. As he entered, he was cleaning a pair of glasses and squinting slightly. Once the glasses were in place, he noticed me. "Oh, hey!"
"Brent, that's Josh. Everyone, this is Brent." A chorus of "Hi"s and "How do you do"s echoed in the small apartment. Chad, who was looking particularly uncomfortable all of a sudden, grabbed my arm. "Hot chocolate is in here," he explained dragging me to the kitchen.
"Hot chocolate! I want!" Ian cried following us with Josh in tow.
"Don't make a mess!" David ordered also coming, most likely to supervise.
As Chad began getting out the mugs and boiling water, his roommates were asking me questions.
"So how do you know each other?" David inquired.
"We met in our Human Sexual Behavior Class."
I heard a snicker from Ian. "Heh. Great class. Wonderful memories, huh?" I guessed the last bit was directed to Josh who simply grinned and nodded.
David continued with his questions. "So where are you living?"
"That crack house? Oh you poor thing!" Ian said.
"Yeah, it's not as nice as this place, but it's the best I can do for now."
"Why don't you come stay here?"
"Ian, it's a four bedroom apartment. There are already four of us here."
"Well, David, I guess that means you'll need to be going."
"Or Ian and I could share a room," Josh suggested. What was the tugging suspicion I felt?
David ignored them and continued. "What is your major?"
Chad interrupted from behind me. "Geez, what's with all the questions, David?"
"Nobody expects The Spanish Inquisition!" Ian shouted. We stared blankly at him. "Oh c'mon! None of you have ever watched Monty Python?"
"No, we have," Josh began, "but for that joke to work, someone must first say something along the lines of 'I didn't expect The Spanish Inquisition.' See, that's the set-up of the joke and what you said is the punch line. You can't start with the punch line. You need the set-up first."
"But how often does anyone actually say 'I didn't expect The Spanish Inquisition?'"
"Guys," Chad groaned, "I think you're starting to scare Brent."
By this time, though, Josh had sat down in a nearby chair and Ian had perched himself in Josh's lap. I knew it! I knew they were gay! I have gaydar, baby! Well, that and they were holding hands and cuddling. It was kind of sweet, actually. Enviously sweet.
They must have noticed me staring, because Ian let out a dramatic sigh. "Chad did you forget to warn your guest?" He shook is head in dismay. "We can hold off if it makes you uncomfortable or anything."
"Oh no! Not at all! I'm..." A though occurred to me. Chad hadn't told me two of his roommates were gay. Not that it really serves well as small talk, but you'd think he may let me know. Plus, he had seemed embarrassed about me meeting his friends. Was he ashamed of them? Did he have a problem with homosexuality? The last thing I wanted was to lose him as a friend. "I have a lot of good friends who are gay," I finished.
At least for now, it would be my little secret from him.
"So first my biggest problem was whether or not he shared my feelings. Now my biggest problem is if he's even gay!" I was pacing back and froth in front of Tony's bed. Once he had returned to the dorm I severely berated him for setting me up. However, I couldn't stay mad at him for very long. I needed someone to vent to at this point.
"Can't you tell? I mean you're always bragging about 'gaydar' and stuff."
I sat down on my bed with a small pout. "The problem is I can't tell if I'm confusing my gut instincts with wishful thinking. I mean just looking at him I want him to be gay so badly, I probably force myself to think he's gay."
"So ask him."
I rolled my eyes. How could one man be so stupid? "I can't ask him. If he isn't gay he'll be offended."
"Why would he be offended?"
"Because..."I trailed off in thought.
"Were you offended when he assumed you were straight?"
"So why should it be any different for him? I'm not offended when guys think I'm gay."
"Guys only think your gay because you go to those bars with me."
"He may think he acts gay and seems gay. That might offended him..."
Tony looked up at me. "How the hell does one "act" or "seem" gay? There isn't just one way to be gay. Geez, stereotype much?"
"Oh shut up!" I whined. "Help me figure out what to do1"
"Whining is so unattractive."
I groaned. "You are useless!"
"And you're an idiot. And it's 11:00 at night and I have to be up for 8:00 tomorrow morning. Good night," he concluded as he switched off the lamp which sat between our beds.
I tossed and turned until 1:00 in anticipation of what was yet to come.