Inuyasha's heart is far more complex than the others think, though he wishes it wasn't. The inner workings of Inuyasha's mind. Rated for language.
"Why He Hates"
She was crying again; walking away, and he knew what that meant.
Damn he hated when this happened.
It wasn't that he couldn't love her - which he knew for a fact that he could, or that he didn't love her - because the gods above knew that he did. It was that that he shouldn't love her. Not her. Not ever.
She hadn't said that word this time. A small part of him wished she had. At least when she face-planted him into the ground he knew there was fight in her spirit. At least when she shrieked 'sit' with all the fury she could muster he knew that she would be alright. She'd be pissed, yeah, but she was still herself. But these eerie silences... these times when her tears fell quietly and those deep chocolate eyes lost their spark gave him cause to worry. He hoped he hadn't gone too far this time. No, there was no such thing as 'too far', he'd remind himself. Not for this. Because sooner or later it would be too late, and he had to keep trying before that happened.
She'd keep coming back if he didn't. No matter how many times he blocked that well. No matter how many times he screamed at her to leave and never come back. No matter how much he pissed her off, she would keep coming back. And not just for the shards. He wasn't as stupid as they all thought. He knew exactly why she kept coming back. It was there every time she smiled at him. Every time she screamed that damned word. Every time she stood beside him in battle. Every time she touched him.
Every time he ripped her heart in two.
/No, never again/.
Why couldn't she just leave? Why couldn't she just stay in her own fucking time? Finish those 'test' things she obsessed over, grow up, find some guy - his stomach clenched at the thought - make babies with what's-his-face and forget that she had ever fell through that well in the first place?
Why couldn't she forget him?
She was always mumbling about being a 'normal girl'. So why couldn't she just be one already?
He ground his teeth, trying to ignore the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"Yeah, good riddance, you crazy bitch! Do us all a favor and STAY gone this time!" Her body cringed visibly and it almost broke him, but thankfully she started walking again and didn't turn back. He could hear Shippo behind him. The kitsune was sobbing loudly. He could feel the anger and confusion radiating from the other two with him. He knew that if he looked at the others they'd light into his ass; and right now that was the last thing he needed. He leapt to the trees and away from the troupe.
/Please... please don't come back this time/.
He'd have to think of a way to get the shards from her later. That meant he'd probably have to see her one last time. The others weren't going to help him; and he wasn't about to ask, either. But it would have to be soon - she was too quick to forgive him.
Get the shards so she'll never be able to come back.
He hated himself. Not for doing this. Well, yeah - for doing this - but not because he didn't want to hurt her. A broken heart could heal; she'd taught him that. But he knew without a doubt that no matter how resolved he thought he was, he was going to cave in, and that was where his self-loathing began. He knew it was only a matter of time, and it could happen many ways - and had before. He could put off going to see her long enough for her to come back. He could go to her to get the shards and then end up bringing her home with him.
But this isn't her home!
He knew that she felt differently, though she never said it. She may have a family and a life in the future, but her expression each time she came out of the well was the same: she felt she was coming home.
And he hated himself for letting it get that far. Because he knew that he was the main reason she felt this way.
He knew that she loved him, and deep, deep down she knew that he loved her, too.
And THAT was why he really hated himself. Because he did love her; more than life itself. And as hard as he had tried to not love her, to remind himself that he belonged to Kikyo, he had still fallen in love with Kagome.
And he knew that if he loved her she was going to die.
Everyone that he loved died. And not of old age, either. Violent deaths followed those who found their way into his heart.
Not her ...
He rushed through the forest, away from her. He turned his self loathing outward. He'd go pick a fight. That was the best thing to do right now. If he didn't go after a fight he may just go after her. And he couldn't do that.
Because Inuyasha loved Kagome. He loved her so much that he'd drive her away forever.
He growled and ground his teeth.
He loved her so much that when she came back he'd be so relieved to see her that he'd forget she shouldn't be there. He wouldn't chase her away like he should. And then when things became too dangerous - and she needed to be through that well and out of harm's way - he'd hurt her again.
And he hated himself intensely for it.
A/N - This is what I believe really goes on in Inuyasha's head while he's being such an ass to Kagome. And that's why I still like the guy. Because in the end all he wants is for her to be safe. I can't see how this hasn't be done already, but I wrote it anyway because it's just too obvious to ignore and I haven't found a version that I like yet.