During the concert Gerard has a flashback to the past.
Gerard donned this second half of the show clothing then took a moment to lean against the wall and light a cigarette. His thoughts normally on the second half of the show were now centered on Monica. What was she doing right now? God he wished he could look at the side stage and see her there just like she had been the first few concerts of the tour. Frank raced by him muttering and he smiled. Shit, he loved this chaos. Controlled chaos is what he liked to call this time. Mikey walked up to him looking concerned
"Are you OK Gee?" he asked in a worried tone.
Gerard smiled at this little brother, "Yea, for sure. Why, don't I look OK?"
Mikey shrugged, "I dunno you just sort of have a strange look on your face. Usually you are stressed out about now. Thinking about how the first half went and wondering if the second half will be as good."
Gerard agreed, "Yep, that's what I usually do. I dunno Mikey I just can't get Monica off my mind today. She is so special; sometimes I can't believe she is really mine. I look at myself and how fucked up I am and wonder what she sees in me."
Mikey frowned, "Gee you aren't fucked up. Yea, once that was true but not now. The band is solid and our fans are loyal to the end. You've grabbed another of your dreams, your comic book, fuck things are great."
"Yea, and my ex-girlfriend is messing with my mind. I might have a kid and someone is threatening my fiancÃ©e. It's not all good, Mikey" He took another drag and tried not to let his last statement ruin his mood.
"Hey bro that's called life, there is good and bad. But if you got the love of someone than you face it and hold on to the good. Look at me; Alicia makes me hold on to the good. My love for her, her love for me, is what makes me hold on."
"Mikey, how are you doing really? I've been so wrapped up in my own shit I don't think I've really been a very good brother lately." His love for his brother was strong; it always would be.
"Gee I'm fine. Don't start beating yourself up about something else. You know if I needed you I would tell you. It's just lately you've had more shit going on than me." He glanced over and saw the rest of the guys were ready to go on. "Let's go, bro"
Once more they took the stage and the audience went wild seeing the "Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge" decor. As they launched into their older tunes Gerard's mind focused on the music and unfortunately something else. These were the songs that he had written when he was with Liv. These were the songs of the man he was before. He closed his eyes while singing "Cemetery Drive" and could see her in his mind. He had written this song one night after they had returned home from drinking in an old cemetery not far from where they lived. Liv had told him that the thought of drinking among the dead was a turn on. They had sex, hard and fast. Afterwards she had laughed and told him it had left her feeling cold and dead.
He blinked realizing the song had ended. He had sung without thought as if on autopilot. Ray was looking over at him questioningly. He forced his mind to concentrate and spoke to the crowd. He hoped they hadn't noticed his pause by the band did.
Ray was worried. It was bad when Gerard didn't concentrate on stage. That meant his mind was not focused, not clear. Shit, he thought, it's the fucking song. Ray knew the cemetery story. One night when Gerard had been wasted out of his mind he had told Ray what Liv had said. Ray wasn't even sure Gee remembered telling him. It was something he would never forget. He had watched his friend cry and ask him through drunken tears, why he was so unlovable. What was wrong with him?
The rest of the show passed quickly and without incident. Gee seemed to have shaken the earlier mood and was himself again. The encore "I'm Not Okay (I Promise) brought the house down.
Once backstage Gerard collapsed onto the large sofa, "Shit, that was great" he said to no one in particular. He closed his eyes and felt the waves of adrenaline wash over him.
Ray stood looking down at him. Gee opened his eyes and asked "Something wrong Ray?"
"You tell me. What happened out there?" He wanted Gerard to realize that he couldn't hide things from them.
Gerard shrugged, "Nothing. It was a great fucking show"
"Gerard, you zoned out during "Cemetery Drive", you know you did." He sat down on the table in front of Gerard. "Don't try to hide shit from me, OK?"
At first Gerard was angry but the concern on Ray's face made him pause. "Just some bad memories hit me. I didn't fuck up so bad that the kids noticed, did I"
Ray shook his head, "No man, you didn't. I was just watching you and saw your face. Fuck, Gerard can't you forget her? This is tearing you apart."
Closing his eyes Gerard answered bitterly, "Sometimes I remember the things she said and I wonder if she wasn't right. I'm so fucked up sometimes why would anyone love me? If I wasn't Gerard Way of my Chemical Romance where would I be today? What would I be doing? Who would want me?"
Ray kicked his friend's leg to make him open his eyes "Don't be such a stupid fuck, Gerard. I can't tell you where you would be of what you would be doing but I sure as hell know who would want you."
Gerard stared at him.
"Monica. I have never seen a woman more in love with an idiot then her. So stop all the shit and take a look at what you got. You let the darkness swallow you again and you will take her with you. Is that what you want?"
Before he could answer Frank interrupted, "Hey have you talked to Monica since we did the TV show?"
Gerard shook his head "Nope, why?"
Frank frowned, "Cause something is going on with Jamia but she won't tell me what it is. She keeps saying everything is fine but I can hear it in her voice, something is wrong. Really wrong. Jamia has never kept anything from me before. This fucking scares me."
Authors Note - Well my ratings are trashed again. If you look at the reviews on the ones with sex scenes you will see why. Ok maybe it's just me but if you read something you didn't like or thought was bad wouldn't you just stop reading it? I will admit that I should have used the sex warning but I had never written one of these before and didn't know. No one complained until just recently and look how far into the story that happened. I really don't care anymore. I'm very disenchanted by all of this. Thanks to all of you who have supported my story. I write for you guys and to those who don't like it please for the love of God stop reading it. Really you aren't required to.