Categories > Anime/Manga > Pokemon > A Journey Revised
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A Journey Revised
(#) facia 2007-04-12
(What I meant by stand in for the reader is times like asking her mother what her mom's starter, or being told types and other stuff. Even if she's not into pokemon, she's a pokeworld resident. She should know more than a real-world girl who's not into pokemon)
Anyway...pretty good grammar, although there's a bit of weird dialogue. A couple times you just write something like "Oh," with nothing else after it. Maybe a formatting error? The trainer card was a good detail.
Sorta weird she finds a bulbasaur...I guess it makes sense if new trainers might get sick of it and abandon their pokemon in the area, although that'd make more sense if you made it clear a lot of trainers hung around long enough to do this(since you have Rey traveling across so fast). It could make perfect sense why he's there, but you should try to explain to the reader.
"She picked up the pokeball and sent Bulbasaur back out. She put him in her arms."
??? Why does she do THAT? If he's so badly injured wouldn't she want to keep him in a nice safe pokeball? And if she's in a rush she can run a lot faster that way.
The Nurse Joy scene's kinda the same. Even if Rey is inexperienced, isn't it obvious the Nurse Joy is asking if she's kept it for some time, not if she's just caught it? And the chansey thing...doesn't really make sense, I mean, isn't it more reliable for the chansey to ask the injured pokemon what it wakes up than rely on eyestaring?
I was pretty surprised when she collapsed. Even though you'd mentioned she was sickly, it's the first time it's shown up in the story, so it has good impact. (Great to see you don't fall into the trap of saying she has some problem, but never having it happen. And it gives a real sense of seriousness to the journey. This time she was in a Pokecenter, but if she hadn't been...) Also nice to see her wins balanced with losses, although I wonder where the tyrogue came from...Or was that his starter? You called it a new pokemon, so I'm not sure.
Your battle scenes are okay, very good in some ways but less in others. You seem best at using moves unorthodoxly, like countering swift with razor leaf, and your action is good, but you could use more description. ^^ It takes a while to get the hang of.Author's response
Yeah, I need to go back and proofread it, it's a bad habit of mine to lack expressions. I read in some article that Chansey could read human emotions, but I'll change it later as I can't remember where it was. About Rey's various sicknesses, I want to do them well, but not to overdo them. Tyrouge was Roak's starter. I said new pokemon because it was never shown prior to the battle. Expect them to battle a few more times before all is said and done. At least all that Naruto action scenes paid off in the end though descriptions are my weakest point when it comes to writing.A Journey Revised
(#) Faeriegirl 2007-04-24
Kool, I like it. A bit slow to start but it got better. Keep going!Author's response
Thanks.
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