(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-13I like what happens in the chapter but some of your writing isnt as smooth as it could be. Read some of your dialog back outloud. Like at one point mikey says 'lets see where it comes from' should be where its coming from. (present tense) I know its not a really big deal but if you use the correct tense of the word it will flow better. Maybe try to break up some of the dialog with thoughts or try to slow the scene down a little. It was a good scene. Classic boy behavior. Pretending to be brave! And the swinging of the pan around was funny! definatlty too many movies!! But was it ninja style or what? I dont know --it needs more details!! you dont have to go over every little thing in your story and over describe it..ie.we went down one step at a time and stopped. but something like Mikey waving a pan around the kitchen making what I imagine as 'ninja' sounds should definfatly be described down to the very last detail as should her reaction to it. ---cant wait for next chap. (although I can guess whos puking in the bushes!)=)-xoxo
Author's responseThat was really helpful and insightful!, thank you for taking the time to list what is needed to be fixed.
I went over the chapter again and fixed some of the things you mentioned.
I really do take these things and try to combine theme in my writing, hope it'll show in the next chapters!!
(#) MCR_dynamite 2007-04-13I laughed at several parts in this! Ah, that Mikey rolls eyes BOYS!
Hmm, I wonder who's throwing up in the bushes, if I had to guess, I'd say Gee. But that's just a guess.
I like this story and the way you write. It would be cool if you had a little more description, but it's awesome so far!
Author's responseThank you so much!! And about the description thing- I'll try to do that more in the next chapters, so watch out!
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