Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > you can keep my brother

In the dark.

by darkviolet 9 Reviews

Toasters and weapons

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: G - Genres: Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar, Frank Iero, Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Ray Toro - Published: 2007/04/13 - Updated: 2007/04/13 - 1599 words - Complete

Reviews

  • you can keep my brother

    (#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-13 09:48:06 AM

    I like what happens in the chapter but some of your writing isnt as smooth as it could be. Read some of your dialog back outloud. Like at one point mikey says 'lets see where it comes from' should be where its coming from. (present tense) I know its not a really big deal but if you use the correct tense of the word it will flow better. Maybe try to break up some of the dialog with thoughts or try to slow the scene down a little. It was a good scene. Classic boy behavior. Pretending to be brave! And the swinging of the pan around was funny! definatlty too many movies!! But was it ninja style or what? I dont know --it needs more details!! you dont have to go over every little thing in your story and over describe it..ie.we went down one step at a time and stopped. but something like Mikey waving a pan around the kitchen making what I imagine as 'ninja' sounds should definfatly be described down to the very last detail as should her reaction to it. ---cant wait for next chap. (although I can guess whos puking in the bushes!)=)-xoxo

    Author's response

    That was really helpful and insightful!, thank you for taking the time to list what is needed to be fixed.
    I went over the chapter again and fixed some of the things you mentioned.
    I really do take these things and try to combine theme in my writing, hope it'll show in the next chapters!!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) MCR_dynamite 2007-04-13 10:24:59 AM

    I laughed at several parts in this! Ah, that Mikey rolls eyes BOYS!

    Hmm, I wonder who's throwing up in the bushes, if I had to guess, I'd say Gee. But that's just a guess.

    I like this story and the way you write. It would be cool if you had a little more description, but it's awesome so far!

    Author's response

    Thank you so much!! And about the description thing- I'll try to do that more in the next chapters, so watch out!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) Motherwar_13 2007-04-13 10:54:57 AM

    I kived this chapter. It was so funny!! I can't wait to see what they do to the guy!

    Author's response

    thank you soo much!!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) mrsgerardway616 2007-04-13 08:35:45 PM

    omg u need to updateeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i so need to know what finds out!!!

    Author's response

    i sure will!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-14 06:17:44 AM

    Oooh pirates are much better than ninjas!! That was great-- now update!!! lol

    Author's response

    lol...I actually imagined Mikey do that.
    I'll update soon!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) AlexSanDee 2007-04-28 07:06:25 PM

    Very funny chapter, you gotta love Mikey!!

    Author's response

    we all do!!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) rocker4lifeSAM 2007-06-20 11:45:34 AM

    hmm.. i believe...gerard way is at the front door.

    Author's response

    oh fuck i am that predictable!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) nicole_ownsxxx 2007-06-28 05:29:45 PM

    XD! this one was hilarious! haha..i'm still laughing..
    it's hard to type..XD! armed with a brooom..silly mikey..

    Author's response

    lol...well what would ou do in this case? grab the nearst broom of course :))

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