A sex goddess??
(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-24 04:41:26 PMthis was good. The sentence where Mikey tells her what they said was kinda long. You should try to break it up with things like Mikey stuttered or he said "so and so said blah blah" and then went on to say"and Ray said blah blah blah" . It was just kinda long to read through all at once. ----xoxo
Author's responsei tried to convey the feeling that he's really embarrassed and speaks really fast just to get it out of the way...i guess i didn't succeeded
(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-26 12:10:48 PMYeah I thought maybe thats what you were going for but its just too many words to blurt out all at once. I needed to take a breath just reading it all! You could always add something like Mikey said all that without looking at me at the end or something. You should always read your dialog back, just the words not the he said she said parts to make sure it flows right and has enough breaks in it to read well. Imagine the chara. saying it and where theyd pause add it. This was really sweet though. I liked how shes totally oblivious to things like that. -worried about looking masculine kicking a rock and all. That was good, it gave some depth to her!
Author's responsethanks for the helpful tip, i'll do it every chapter now!!