As if things weren't bad enough... a sexually frustrated Kasumi refused to let Akane and Nabiki beat her claim to mastery of the 'Tendo tonsillary tickle technique' (French kissing). After seeing K...
(A Ranma Â½ - Sexy Losers Crossover)
by avis de rapina
'Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts'
Disclaimer: Do I really have to re-disclaim that the source material for this crackfic doesn't belong to me? Just in case you didn't know; they don't. They're the property of Rumiko Takahashi and Clay (aka Hard). I do claim the idea of fusing them this way. If anyone wants them, they can have the typos. I gave them to my crazy Uncle Jiro but he passed them back.
Summary: As if things weren't bad enough... a sexually frustrated Kasumi refused to let Akane and Nabiki beat her claim to mastery of the 'Tendo tonsillary tickle technique' (French kissing). After seeing Kasumi demonstrating her skills on Ranma-chan, Nodoka left to celebrate all four Tendo 'girls' 'agreeing' to become Ranma's fiancÃ©es. Ranko's no girl, except when Nodoka's around, and just wants out. Akane's a 'sweet' girl and is looking for love. Nabiki and Kasumi? They're girls alright. And...
/"Girls just wanna have fun."/
Nodoka Saotome was a happy woman. A missed opportunity to reunite with her husband and manly son had turned into a joyful declaration by Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi AND Ranko Tendo that they were all willing to become co-wives and marry her Ranma. The giddy mother ran out waving victory fans and was halfway to the neighboring Itabashi-ku when she had a thought. She rushed to her house to fetch a special gift to bestow on her soon-to-be-daughters-in-law, and then quickly made her way back to the Tendo-ke.
Feeling like she was now part of the family, she entered, stepped into a spare set of slippers, followed the sound of voices and called out, "Tadaima!" as she came to the living room.
"O-- Onee-san?" Nodoka froze, halfway through the door. Suddenly, Nodoka Saotome was no longer that happy. There before her; calmly sipping tea; was her older sister Rumiko. The same sister who all but had her thrown out of the Shibata clan a few years after Genma took Ranma on that blasted training trip.
"What are you doing here?" The 'Soul of Ice' had nothing on the frost in Nodoka's voice; hell, liquid Nitrogen was as warm as the Caribbean sun in
"I had come looking for Ranko-chan here," Rumiko indicated the youngest redhead seated opposite her; flanked by Akane and Nabiki. The frost in her voice was nearly as cold. "As I was telling Tendo-san and his daughters, Ranko-chan fell into our pool and nearly drowned last weekend. After Kenta and I revived her, she just ran off. Naturally we were worried about her.
"We had a hard time finding her too. The MEXT didn't have her listed as actually attending any school in Japan. Their only entry for her was as a member of the Furinkan high school's Rhythmic Gymnastics and Martial Arts Cooking teams. The directory only listed one Tendo family in Furinkan-cho. We took a chance that it was hers and came over. Imagine our surprise to learn that Ranko-chan was to be your Ranma's cousin-in-law."
Some of the frost in her voice was replaced with wistful reflection. "Akane-san seems to be a wonderful young lady, imouto. Perhaps I was too hasty in faulting you for letting your husband take Ranma-kun away from our clan for all these years. He must be sufficiently manly to attract as lovely a fiancÃ©e at such a young age."
"Oh, young Ranma is manlier than you may think, Shibata-san!" Soun interjected, always mindful of ensuring the success of the Tendo-Saotome pact. A pact that would remain unfulfilled if ever Nodoka... and perhaps her sister, judged Genma's son to be insufficiently 'manly'.
"Whatever do you mean, Tendo-san? And please, if we might become relations, call me Rumiko."
"I mean, Rumiko-san; and please call me Soun; that not only is Ranma manly enough to attract my Akane; he also has at least three other girls fighting to become his fiancÃ©e."
"Really? Oh my! Nodoka-chan, can you ever forgive me for my foolish words? Ranma-kun must truly be a man among men to have four girls clamoring for his hand in marriage."
Nodoka tasted sweet victory. After nearly eight years of being forced to live away from the only family she had left, she could be forgiven for savoring her vindication.
"I might, onee-san, actions speak louder than words, after all. But I must disabuse your misconception regarding Ranma's relation to Ranko-chan."
"Oh?" Rumiko inquired. Kami, is Ranko-chan really Ranma-kun's half-sister? Did Genma leave Nodoka because he caught her having an affair? ...with Tendo-san? No. It can't be that. Even Genma wouldn't stomach letting his son marry the daughter of the man who cuckolded him... would he? And mother taught us enough to not get caught. And father DID make sure to engage us to men who couldn't keep up with our appetites enough to mind the help in keeping us satisfied. "Whatever do you mean, Nodoka?"
"Yes, what do you mean, Nodoka-san?"
"I mean, Soun, Rumiko, that Ranko-chan is not going to be Ranma's cousin-in-law. She is going to be his wife!"
Cue Tendo-Saotome Retirement Plan Automated Defense Mechanism, Pattern Alpha.
"The Schools must be joined!"
"They will be, Soun. I'm sure that Ranko-chan is just as good a martial artist as Akane-chan. Surely you will not deny your own niece training in your family's School?"
Cue Pattern Bravo.
"Ranma WILL marry my Akane!"
"I never said that he wouldn't."
"Ranko-chan and Akane-chan have both agreed to share Ranma as co-wives."
"Did I mention that Ranko-chan and Akane-chan are already in a relationship with each other?"
Yes! I knew she had to swing that way. I wonder if No-chan started on her training yet. Maybe I could help?
"Waah! My daughter is in a lesbian relationship with her fian... Wai! The Schools will finally be joined!"
"And that Nabiki-chan has decided to join the two of them as well?"
"Or that Kasumi-chan might likewise?"
"Well why should I be left-out of the fun, Father? Ranma-kun certainly knows how to kiss..."
Torn between the need to congratulate his youngest for finally accepting her engagement (though he would have preferred she had waited until her wedding night); rejoice at his middle child's decision to finally break out of her self-imposed shell; attack the young Saotome for apparently corrupting his precious angel; and maintain said Saotome's secret from his katana-wielding mother and her family, Soun decided to cue the waterworks.
"Waah! Papa is sooo happy!!!!"
What followed was a tearful reunion and reconciliation between the Shibata sisters. Nabiki provided pictures of Ranma-kun from her private, reserved collection that proved to Nodoka and Rumiko that, yes, the 'big' genes did run true in Ranma.
This brought the conversation to how unfulfilled they both were. Mr. Shibata was still out of town and Rumiko had nobody to play with. Nodoka had kept to the spirit of her marital vows and was now in her eleventh year of deprivation. Nabiki's last picture was unfortunately taken while Ranma was dreaming about Shampoo's latest attempt to glomp him in the furo, and his imagination was on overdrive. The excellent reminder of just what they didn't have at hand was just too much.
Ranma listened in horror as his mother and aunt drooled over Nabiki's pictures of his male form. Looking at the crazed gleam in their eyes, he realized that the only thing keeping him virgo intacta was the fact that neither woman knew the secret of his Jusenkyo curse. His eyes dropped to the picture that now had them panting and involuntarily let out an, "Eep!"
Nodoka and Rumiko looked at her and smiled. Nodoka proudly held up the 8 x 10 glossy of a sleeping Ranma (sans boxers) and his morning wood.
"I'm sure that you've seen this before, Ranko-chan. Tell us, what's it like to take my manly son's manhood into yourself?"
Ranma-chan's eyes boggled.
"You have had intercourse with Ranma, haven't you?"
Ranma-chan vigorously shook her head.
"No? I was under the impression that you were already in a relationship with my son..."
"They, umm, were saving that up for marriage?" Akane offered, not liking Nodoka's sudden frown. "They HAVE been bathing together and washing each other's privates for some time now," she hurriedly added, to Nodoka's delight.
"Really? That's so cute! But there's no need to be so shy about wanting some of this," she waved the picture.
"I want some of that..."
"Maybe later, Ru-chan. As his mother it's my responsibility to train him. Didn't you get to train Kenta-kun yourself?"
"Well, I was going to, but he got himself a girlfriend before I could properly start his training."
"Really? How was she?"
"Not enough stamina."
"Pity. But I don't think that will be a problem with Ranko-chan or Akane-chan; they're both martial artists. And Kasumi-chan and Nabiki-chan practice Tai chi and yoga. All of them should complete the training successfully."
"Yes, Nabiki-chan. Training in the skills needed to please a manly man. It is a tradition in the Shibata clan that male and female offspring master the arts of pleasuring their partners. I was waiting for the right moment to give this to Akane or to one of the other girls. That time has now come to give this to all four of you."
She handed over a cloth-wrapped bundle and Akane unwrapped it.
"Floating with the Clouds and Summoning the Rain: The Guide to Harmony. By Tetsuyo Shibata, with illustrations by Nodoka 'Madame X' Saotome?" Akane read.
"Oh, No-chan, you finished updating great-great-grandfather's manual!" Rumiko exclaimed.
"It's a sex manual!?" Nabiki inquired.
"You're Madame X?" Kasumi squealed.
"What are we supposed to do with this!?" Ranma-chan demanded.
"Think of it as your summer reading assignment, my dears. By the time my son returns from his latest training trip, I'll make sure that all of you will know enough to make Ranma never want to leave you ever again. Then we can get started on making sure that he masters enough marital arts skills to satisfy all four of you every night!"
"A-- All four... every night?"
"Yes, Ranko-chan. As manly as my son must be, you and Akane-chan will need help to make sure to tire him out every night. If only I didn't need to sleep some time, I would never have let my guard down enough for Genma to sneak out of the house and take Ranma on that ten-year training trip! Learn from my experience, girls. Don't ever leave Ranma with enough energy to walk away, and keep him coming back for more! At least with the four of you, you'll never have to spend a lonely night with nobody to scratch your itches."
"Oh, Nodoka. I'm so sorry! All this time and I refused to help you out..."
"Ten and a half years, Rumiko. I've been keeping my vows to forsake all other men for Genma. It's been so hard. I sustained myself for a while with my artwork; but drawing men and women having sex became too much torture after years of enforced celibacy. Even illustrating yaoi art became too much for me. All those men... naked men... naked, hunky men... Men who would follow my directions... But I couldn't tell them to touch me, even if they were gay... because I'm married!
"I couldn't stand it any longer, Rumiko! You've got to help me find Genma. He may be smaller than Ranma but anything is better than fapping myself!"
Rumiko looked speculatively at Soun, who was still crying and dancing around the koi pond, and shuddered. She turned to Kasumi and barked, "I need a futon; some string; and a medium-sized daikon, washed and with the tip trimmed. And I need it STAT!"
"O-- Onee-chan?" Nodoka inquired in a hopeful whisper.
"Shhh, imouto-chan. I'll soon make everything better."
Sisterly bonds were renewed in the manner they used to share prior to (and just immediately after) their marriages. The Shibata females retired to the upstairs guest room. Fortunately, Nodoka knew just where Kasumi kept her 'toys'.
Kenta missed being dragged along to help his mother and aunt relieve their frustrations by virtue of being drafted by Ranko to take care of Mr. Panda. Eager to do anything to get on her good side, he agreed to help drag the catatonic bear back to the furoba and to keep it submerged in ice. He thus missed out on the entire conversation.
After the four attractive Tendo girls barged into the furo and sent him into the dining room he learned from a weepy Mr. Tendo that all four of the babes were engaged to his cousin Ranma. He too started to cry at the injustice of it all.
He had just lost his chance at survivor sex with the hot redhead. The news that she was already in a lesbian relationship with at least one of her likewise hot cousins made him shed tears almost as prodigiously as their father. The loud noises that started to come from the second floor caught his attention and made him steel his resolve.
"...Ooooh, Yes! Yes! Yes! Right there! Faster! Oh, kami, Ru-chan, deeper!"
"...Is this what you like? Less talking and more sucking, No-chan! I'm almost... there...!"
THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
It might be too late to get Ranko for myself. But I swear to keep Ranko and her cousins unspoiled by Mom's depredations. My mistake was in not screwing Natsuki when I still had a chance before Mom got to her. I'll have to make sure that cousin Ranma at least gets a chance with the Tendos before Mom and Aunt Nodoka do to them what Mom did to poor Natsuki. As the kami are my witness, the Tendos will not die a yuri death!
Back in the furoba, a wayward husband was undergoing the third degree.
Pssshhh! "Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot! Are you mad, boy? What if your mother or her sister discovers our secret?"
"Shut it, Pops! You've got a lot of explaining to do!"
"A-- About what... son?" Genma inquired in a pathetic attempt to appear innocent.
"About THIS!" Ranma-chan hissed as she thrust Nodoka's 'gift' before his face.
"Kami... It's too late... It has already begun."
"What?! What's begun? Tell me what's goin' on, Pops!"
"Why, Ranma? Why didn't you marry Akane while you had the chance?
"What are you talking about, Uncle Genma?"
"If only you and Ranma had gotten married before Nodoka caught up with us, Akane, then we wouldn't have to worry about THIS!" He pointed shakily at the manual.
"What's wrong with this?" Akane asked as Kasumi started to leaf through the book.
"You're not making any sense, Mr. Saotome."
"That's par fer the course, Nabiki. Whenever some problem comes up he always passes the blame to me."
"You don't understand, boy. You ARE to blame. If only you and Akane had gotten married before your mother arrived, then we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"I suggest that you explain yourself in more detail, Mr. Saotome... before my sister takes offense at that last comment," Nabiki drawled as she pointed to a vein-crossed Akane. "Now, why did you want Ranma married to Akane so soon?"
Genma sighed. "We came back from our training trip some six months before Nodoka expected us. I had always planned for Ranma to be long married to one of you three girls before he reunited with his mother. I figured that after being engaged for a month or two, Ranma would already be married. By hiding out here, I hoped to get an extra few months for a baby to be on the way before letting Nodoka know the good news. With Ranma proving his manliness by providing an heir, and his wife in the family way... I hoped that Nodoka would never have to resort to training them in her clan's Marital Arts techniques!"
"And that would be bad because...?" Nabiki drew out.
"Trust me; you're better off never knowing."
"A bit too late for that, I'm afraid. Auntie Nodoka wants all four of us to read this for the summer. So you'll have to tell us just what to expect from this 'training'."
"All of you?"
"Ka-- Kasumi too?"
"Soun's going to kill me."
"Maybe not. Right now he believes that Akane and Ranma are in a bisexual relationship, and that Kasumi and I will be joining them. He's crying for happiness in the garden."
"Once Nodoka gets through with you three, he'll definitely want to kill me."
"If you don't start makin' sense, I'll help him!"
"Oh, what an ungrateful so..." Crack! "Eep!" Genma stared at the glowing mallet imbedded in the tile floor between his splayed thighs.
"Start. Talking!" Akane ground out.
"Wha-- What do you want to know?"
"What's wrong with Momma? Why DID you take me on that training trip? Let's start with those for now."
"Your mother is a wonderful woman, son. The secret to a happy marriage is to always praise your spouse and to do your damned best to keep them happy. The second happiest day of my life was when she said that she'll marry me."
"Awww... How sweet," Kasumi sighed. "I just bet that the happiest day was when Ranma-kun was born."
"Hell no! That was only fourth happiest day of my life; just after the day your father I thought that we had gotten rid of The Master for good. The happiest day of my life was when I finally escaped from her to take Ranma on that trip."
"If you had such a happy marriage, Mr. Saotome, then why did you ever leave?"
"Yeah, what she said. Why were you so happy to leave Momma?"
"Like I said, boy. Your mother is a wonderful woman. When I met her she was young, beautiful, rich, submissive, virginal, an excellent cook... Kind of like Kasumi here, only with lots more money than Nabiki can count. Imagine my delight when I discovered that she was also a nymphomaniac!"
"So what was your problem, Mr. Saotome?" Very like Kasumi indeed.
"None at first. After the first year though it became too much. Nodoka started to get into role-playing to 'spice up the romance'. We'd go at it two... three times a day, every day! She said it was to make sure that I got her pregnant. When I discovered her secret stash of birth control pills I cried.
"I confronted her on her duplicity and demanded that she stop taking them. I said that I needed an heir for the Sotome School. She agreed and Ranma was conceived one month later. I tried to get her to take it easy then, but there was no stopping her! If anything, being pregnant only made her more insatiable. I thought that she'd finally stop when her water broke, but she insisted I get her off."
"You were doin' Momma while she went into labor?!"
"Orally, boy, orally! That was a taste that I'll never forget, let me tell you!"
"Ewww," Kasumi winced. "Too much information, Uncle Saotome!"
"Giving birth to the boy here, finally did her in... for all of two weeks! I was so happy to get a chance to rest; I think I kissed the doctor when he told her to refrain for at least that long. That is a debt that I've tried to pay you back for, Ranma."
"What? How could anything you've ever done to me be imagined as payback for that?"
"Everything I ever did from that point on was to make you a manly man and the best martial artist of your generation! As soon as you were weaned I took you on your first training trip to accustom you to hunger and privation. All these years of training I've made sure to develop your skill, strength, speed and endurance. The things you will need as a top martial artist, or - kami forbid - as a trainee in your mother's marital arts techniques."
"So all this time you've been stealing my food; throwing me out windows; attackin' me in my sleep; siccin' dogs, wolves and bears on me; throwin' me inta pits full of ca-- ca-- mouse catchers; and engagin' me left and right to toughen me up for Momma's training?"
Genma nodded sagely. "If it was good enough for the Spartans..."
Smash! Ranma-chan manifested a chi-mallet and implanted it on her father's head. "I'm NOT buyin' it!"
Nabiki poured more hot water on Genma to revive the senior Saotome.
"Wakey, wakey, Mr. S. You still have to explain why you left Auntie on her own for ten years during that training trip. Why didn't you visit her in all that time?"
"What part of nympho-MANIAC do you not understand? If I had known then what I know now about the Shibata clan, I would never have even gone on an omiai with Nodoka!"
"Now let me get this straight. You left my mother for ten years because you felt that you were unable to satisfy her constant demands for sex?"
"It wasn't like that at all! I just had to go on a sabbatical to get my strength back. I figured that ten years ought to do it." Mustn't let them know that I was hoping for twelve. By the time Nodoka would have found us, their firstborn would have been ready for another training trip! "I lost six pounds on our honeymoon alone! Once she weaned you and got her appetites back, I almost died when she decided to try for a daughter!"
"What do you mean Uncle Genma?"
"You think that Ranma's a pervert Akane? You don't know the meaning of the word 'pervert'! The Shibatas are capable of perversions beyond your wildest dreams. Nodoka was already recognized for her skill at illustrating hentai manga when I first met her. I was honored when she first asked me to pose for her. She always drew from life..."
"Oh, so that's what you looked like with long hair, Uncle Saotome," Kasumi happily warbled from where she was holding up the manual opened to a color plate of Genma and Nodoka /in flagrante delecto/.
"My eyes! Somebody please pluck out my eyes!"
"Oh, Ranma. You're so silly!"
"That's the tame stuff, boy! The really nasty stuff is way at the back. We left for the trip before your mother could get around to asking me to pose for THOSE drawings."
"What do you mean, Mr. Saotome?"
"Nodoka had lots of models that she called on for her work; but since that manual was full of her clan's secrets she only had family members model the different techniques in it. I found that out when she asked me to man the camera for her sessions with Rumiko to demonstrate the yuri ones."
"Her own sister?"
"You are one to talk, Akane. From what I heard you and Nabiki just agreed to help each other out with Ranma and 'Ranko'."
"Anyway, yes, her own sister. The Shibatas even had a sort of motto as an in-joke... 'Incest is best. Put your kinfolk to the test.' With their techniques it's probably even true. Nobody could ever be as good at sex as their clan."
"If that's true then why DID you leave?"
"Nodoka's father only had sisters, and their husbands died young. Their sons weren't even in their teens. The only males of age in the family were Nodoka's father, Rumiko's husband and myself..."
"Yes, Nabiki. I left before my wife could ask me to pose for the yaoi section."
a la Innortal's 'La Blue Ranma' Omake:
"Now let me get this straight. You left my mother for ten years because you felt that you were unable to satisfy her constant demands for sex?"
"It wasn't like that at all! I just had to go on a sabbatical to get my strength back. I lost six pounds on our honeymoon alone! Once she weaned you and got her appetites back, I almost died when she decided to try for a daughter!" I knew I should have courted Rumiko instead! She always was the less voracious one.
"But if she was that demanding why did she let you go, Uncle Genma?" Akane asked.
"She had the seppuku pledge."
"What I can't understand about that is why you would teach Ranma nothing about sex and even give him such a poor opinion about girls if he faced seppuku for not being as manly as Auntie Nodoka wants," Kasumi put forward.
"What I'd like to know is what did you expect her to do for ten years with that kind of condition!" Nabiki commented.
"All Ranma has to do is breathe and he'd be 'manly' enough for Nodoka. It's 'Ranko' that I don't want her to learn about."
(Sigh) "If Nodoka were to discover that 'Ranko' is actually Ranma, she would insist on teaching 'her' all of her clan's ninja techniques."
"What's so bad about that, Pops? I always wanna learn new..."
"Ninja SEXCRAFT techniques, boy! The techniques the females of her clan use to seduce and hunt down shikima with!"
"Believe me, it's a good thing that she uses them too. It was the only way I could ever get a night's rest while we were staying at her house. I figured ten years of hunting sex demons would satisfy even her lusts... So I undercalculated."
"H-- How could you leave Momma alone for ten years while she went out to seduce sex demons!"
"Whaaat? It's not like she's sleeping around with other /men/!"
"Besides, think of it as a public service! You should be proud of your mother, boy!"
A/N: Well another chapter done. My thanks again to the people at TFF whose comments and suggestions on this and other people's stories helped inspire me. This is it for my take on Genma as a noble father. Other writers, notably Lord Raa, are working on their versions of that idea.
The omake was inspired by Innortal's story and was used as an example for another potential direction to take this story.
Having Nodoka as Madame X is a stretch that I think will work in this fusion. As the story summary sez, Nodoka's character in fanon inspired me to fuse her into the Sexy Losers world. Being serious about keeping her marriage vow to forsake all other men is one reason I can imagine for why she kept stringing poor Touru along. Note that I said 'other /men/'. SL fans know that Madame X did have a thing of sorts with her roommate Chi Sakamichi.
And, yes, that's as far as the yuri scenes will go in this fic.