Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Bury Me in Black
I'm such an idiot!
2 ReviewsShe meets......
Reviews
-
Bury Me in Black
(#) Jinxeh 2007-05-14 10:29:54 PM
Pretty good story you've got going, here.
If I can make a suggestion for the future, though...you make Star seem like more of a cliche than she actually is when you have her come right out and say, "I like wearing black, I sit in back of my classes, I'm the black sheep of the family, etc..." and everything like that. It's like she might as well be saying, "No, I really am emo! I'll prove it, listen to how much of an outcast I am!", like she has to prove something. Show what Star is really like through her dialogue and actions throughout the story; allude subtly towards the kind of person she is, don't just come right out and say it.
Other than that, I like where this is going. You write pretty well, and besides a few grammar or spelling mistakes here or there, your story is fairly well written; something that's becoming INCREASINGLY difficult to find in this fandom.
By the way, though? She's seventeen...technically of the age of consent depending on the state (a lot of people don't seem to realize that seventeen is the age of consent, usually; not eighteen) but Gerard's thirty...that's a little weird. Also, Gerard said in an interview he probably would never date a fan, so give him a good reason to with Star, all right? :)Author's response
Thanks for the constructive criticism! You have some really good points with the emo chiches thing. But about the Star and Gerard thing, I haven't said
they 're going to date...... Keep reading! (I know thats kind of creepy having a 17 year old date a 30 year old) -
Bury Me in Black
(#) MySweetRomance 2007-05-15 09:03:26 AM
Hehe this is so awesome, I'm totally adding it to my favourites! Keep it up chick!Author's response
Thanks im glad people like the story!