(#) Ariel_Tempest 2006-04-24Amusing, well written, good tone. Not quite sure what I think of the pacing, but that's likely because I'm a touch sleepy just now. Even if it does feel a touch off when I'm awake, I don't know what I'd do to fix it, so. I do promise to wait until I'm slightly more awake before rating.
I do, however, feel the need to inform you of a typo that slipped your notice. You have Edgar "murder" when he should "murmur". It's actually a rather brilliant typo, all told, especially since it's in the section just before he nibbles Locke's neck. First rate chuckle...or maybe I'm just easily amused. Both are thoroughly possible.
- The beginning was very amusing, but it did feel as if it moved a bit too fast. You did a wonderful job portraying their close friendship from the start, but the way they jumped into bed together so quickly almost seemed to diminish that.
Interesting idea with Locke being against the Empire before Rachel. I'd always assumed that she'd been his primary motivator for rebellion and joining the Returners, but by establishing their friendship so early, it gives an extra motivation.
Sign up to review this story.