The half inch heel of my boots clicked against the sidewalk with each step I took,, serving as a reminder of the mess I had just made. It was only a three and a half mile distance from my apartment to his house and I chose to walk every inch. It was a sort of punishment I felt I deserved. Plus, my car couldn't be seen at such a place overnight. That would erupt a disaster of consequences I wasn't quite ready to face yet. That would uncover every truth we had spent weeks and energy to bury. We tried to hide the truth with perfectly crafted lies and unfortunate smiles. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, right? Well, yes and no, but mostly we wouldn't want to get caught.
Before you judge me, allow me to clarify a few things. This is not about love. I have someone who loves me possibly more than anyone has ever been loved. This is not about attention. My personality and outward physical appearance ensure that I get enough of that more often than not. I'm actually unsure of what this is about. Obviously not much thought has been going into my actions as of late. I'm sure that's how most of these situations go, after all. Just believe me, this is not about love. Also, I have a great relationship with my father, so this doesn't stem from an unfortunate daddy issue. I'm confident in my looks, so this isn't a superficial, low self-esteem thing. I'm an intelligent young women, so this also is not because fail to know any better.
The wind blew harder as I wrapped my green jacket tighter around my thin frame. With only one mile left, I began making up fake, but believable scenarios in my mind. I had to have an alibi for when I returned. I always did. This is usually when the guilt began to set in. This is usually when I began to mentally kick myself for the previous occurrences. This is usually when I pull out a cigarette from my oversized bag in an attempt to have something to focus on other than my indiscretions. This is usually when I pull out a match as well to light the aforementioned. Once I had used the match for what it was worth, I simply discarded it wherever I felt necessary. Much like I did with my clothing the night before. Obviously, the cigarette fails to keep my mind from reprimanding myself for my actions. It just gives me something to do with my hands.
The last few steps were shaky and uncertain as I searched for my apartment keys. The lobby was spacious and empty as it usually was at this time in the morning. I allowed my green eyes to dart over to the elevator for a split second before I caught myself. Taking the elevator would be convenient and easy and I deserved nothing of the sort. My studio apartment was located on the third floor and I was going to climb every single step without complaining. I was also going to do it as slowly as possible in an effort to avoid the inevitable. I was fully aware he would be there. Him. My boyfriend. My lover. My best friend. My confidant. My partner in crime. My everything, or at least seemingly so. By now, he would have worn himself out from worrying about my whereabouts for the past few hours, that he would have no doubt fallen into restless sleep. I know this because just as I had my routine, he had his as well. The difference was that his was honorable and completely selfless. I was jealous of that, yet aware that I had no right feel so. I was guilty, I just had yet to be charged.