Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 26
"And I said, 'How about we add: "The most painful thing you've had in any orifice?' Silly buggers ended up publishing it," Nick said, eliciting a laugh from Steve. Nick allowed Steve to regain his composure before saying, "So no hard feelings about the Evelyn-Joanne thing?"
"Who's Joanne?" Steve asked.
"Fat one."
"Oh...no. Well not really. I just wish you didn't scare off Evelyn as well. I thought we really had something special going on there."
Nick laughed, "You're joking right?"
"No! Maybe I've had enough of sleeping around, not bothering to learn people's names. Maybe I finally want to settle down, perhaps get married, have a kid...well have a kid legitimately."
"Now you're taking the piss," Nick said, poking his friend in the chest.
"Yeah," Steve smirked, "But seriously...Evelyn was special. She was funny-"
"She was a Goth. Goths don't make good jokes, they have jokes made about them."
"Smart-"
"She was a Goth. Smart people realise there's no sense in rebelling against the system, by supporting the capitalist overlords through conformity!"
"And most of all, an absolutely perfect pair of breasts."
"Aha! Now the true reason emerges."
Steve's brow crinkled, "What's this 'Aha!' about? I told you, you didn't uncover anything. And besides which, I don't mean that in a sexual way."
"Oh really?" Nick raised his eyebrows, "You don't mean to compliment a women's breasts in a sexual way? In what way? Satirically? Metaphorically? Perhaps the breasts represent the feud between Israel and Palestine?"
"No, that was a different girl. But seriously, why can't a guy say that a woman's breasts look artistically perfect without getting accuses of shit? I mean, if I compliment their eyes or lips, or even their skin, I'm all the rage. But breasts-no go area."
"Well, I presume you're not planning to lick a woman's eyes, or given her lips special pet names, which you'll remember more than the woman's actual name. Oh...and you're a pervert who is incapable of artistic thought."
"Okay then Mister Art Student-"
"Art Graduate thank you very much. I earned those two letters after my name, if nothing else," Nick cut in.
"Whatever-you tell me, if you're so capable of artistic thought, how you would talk about the perfect pair of breasts?"
Nick was taken aback, for once being outside any comfort, "Well, I don't think like that, do I? So I wouldn't be focusing on her chest, but on her personality, her ideas. In fact, I can't think of anyone's chest well enough to name it as perfect so-"
"Kelly's younger sister," Steve cut in.
Nick paused, eyes up as the image was brought to mind, "Okay. I'll agree with you that far. Kelly's younger sister is the benchmark of Mammary Perfections to which all others can be compared...artistically, but she's the only one I can remember that well."
"Well, if we have a benchmark, then we can compare other chests. We have a system, Nicky my boy," Steve said, pointing to Gia, "Gia's. In what way better, and in what way worse. We'll start with perkiness, and then move over to nipple size. I think we'll want to keep cup size to the absolute end, don't you?"
"I think we'll keep this until later," Nick said, gesturing for Steve to turn from Gia's chest, "Company."
Steve turned to see Mark walking over to them.
"Hey," he said.
"Oh, hello," Nick said, "You're Gia's beau, aren't you? Mark Someone or other."
"Yep, that's me," Mark said, smiling and nodding slightly. He quickly struck out a hand, "I don't think we ever met, Nick, but I've heard a lot about you from Gia."
"Really? How much?" Nick asked, returning the handshake.
Mark was confused by this, "I'm not sure. A lot, maybe?"
"As much as she talks about me?" Steve asked, grinning.
"Oh, much more. But this is irrelevant. I was just talking to Kelly, and something came up, and she recommended I come over here to-"
"She couldn't have heard us!" Steve hissed, "She's over the other side of the room, and there's music playing."
"Kelly is a fucking witch!" Nick joined Steve, "If she was on the other side of the state she'd probably have still heard us talking about her sister. She's going to fucking kill us now."
"Excuse me," Mark cut in, but was ignored.
"Nah, she forgave us the last times, didn't she? I mean, it's not like we do anything apart from talking. I mean, you don't, and I wouldn't want to risk Kelly's wrath like that."
"Yeah, but remember, we didn't do anything but talk the last time too, and Kelly was still pissed. She'll have us castrated after this."
"Excuse me," Mark said, a little louder this time, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Kelly...Kelly's sister," Nick whispered, "She doesn't like us talking about her sister. Very protective."
"Well...don't worry. I don't think she heard anything."
"So that's not why you came over?" Steve asked.
"Well, if you'd et me speak, I was going to say that, well, I've been an idiot."
"Yes. We knew that already," Nick said, "Actually, I just presumed it. Go on."
Mark continued, his voice showing the slightest hint of annoyance, "So, anyway, I was getting jealous that Gia was hanging around you guys. And this just got to a huge level, when I found Gia stuck in Steve's arms."
"And why aren't you jealous," Steve asked, "What did Kelly say to you?"
"Well, she said what was going on between you guys. And I think its great."
Nick suspected what was going on, and began to grin. Steve also suspected, and his eyebrows clenched as he hissed, "What-did-she-say?"
"Jesus, do you want me to spill it out! She told me," Mark began, then started to whisper, "That you two were lovers."
"WHAT!" Steve hissed loudly back, his anger hidden by the laughing fit Nick was having at the suggestion.
"And I think it's great. I mean, so many men in your situation want to repress what only comes naturally, it's great to see two men who are proud-"
"I'm not gay!" Steve shouted.
"You're not?" Nick said, mock shocked, "What about last Thursday?"
"What happened last Thursday?" Steve asked, distracted.
"Well, you described it as fisting-"
"Shut up Nick!" Steve shouted, then turned to Mark, "Listen, Kelly is a lying bitch. I'm not gay. Never have been gay. And there's nothing a find less desirable than a male penis."
"That's right darling," Nick said, draping an arm around Steve's shoulders and winking, "We're both not gay together."
The arm was forced off by Steve, "Ignore him. He's an arse."
"Yeah, I will," Mark said, "Look I'm sorry. I just was going by what Kelly was saying, and I guess I was worried you were going to try and jump Gia so-"
"Me jump Gia? Ha!" Steve said, "Listen, two things you need to know. Firstly, I can't stand Gia-we just don't get on. So there's absolutely no chance I'd ever jump her."
"Okay. Good, got it. Fine. And the second?"
"There is someone you need to protect Gia from," Steve said with an evil smirk, pointing behind Mark.
Mark turned to see Kelly chatting with Gia, "That's ridiculous. Kelly...she has a boyfriend. He's here."
"So what? I had two girlfriends here, and you were still convinced I was gay!" Steve insisted, "You ee, Kelly is omnisexual. Like a cross between a porn star and the Tasmanian devil, anything that gets in her path is devoured in her sexual appetite."
"Gia's straight though."
"Doesn't matter. Kelly is always gloating about the women she's converted into building blocks of her sexual pyramid," Steve said, getting in close to whisper to Mark, "So if I were you, I'd stop worrying about the two guys who aren't interested, and get over to protect the girl you love from the sex demon who just created a story to get some time alone with your girl."
Mark looked at Kelly and Gia, uncertain. Then Kelly hugged Gia, and his mind was set off. With a stern step, he walked over to the girls. Steve watched behind him, grinning.
"Sex demon? Sexual pyramid?" Nick whispered in Steve's ear, "Where the hell did you get that from?"
"You remember? Those old exploitation films we're always going to."
"Right," Nick said, joining Steve to look at Mark, "She's going to kill you because of this, you know."
"Who, Kelly? Hey, all's fair. She says I'm gay with you, the only fair thing to do is say that she's gay with Gia."
"I wasn't talking about Kelly," Nick said, giving a knowing nod to Steve, "Shall we silently leave?"
"No, I think I'd prefer to stay and watch."
"Suit yourself," Nick said, taking his drink and heading to the bathroom.
"And I said, 'How about we add: "The most painful thing you've had in any orifice?' Silly buggers ended up publishing it," Nick said, eliciting a laugh from Steve. Nick allowed Steve to regain his composure before saying, "So no hard feelings about the Evelyn-Joanne thing?"
"Who's Joanne?" Steve asked.
"Fat one."
"Oh...no. Well not really. I just wish you didn't scare off Evelyn as well. I thought we really had something special going on there."
Nick laughed, "You're joking right?"
"No! Maybe I've had enough of sleeping around, not bothering to learn people's names. Maybe I finally want to settle down, perhaps get married, have a kid...well have a kid legitimately."
"Now you're taking the piss," Nick said, poking his friend in the chest.
"Yeah," Steve smirked, "But seriously...Evelyn was special. She was funny-"
"She was a Goth. Goths don't make good jokes, they have jokes made about them."
"Smart-"
"She was a Goth. Smart people realise there's no sense in rebelling against the system, by supporting the capitalist overlords through conformity!"
"And most of all, an absolutely perfect pair of breasts."
"Aha! Now the true reason emerges."
Steve's brow crinkled, "What's this 'Aha!' about? I told you, you didn't uncover anything. And besides which, I don't mean that in a sexual way."
"Oh really?" Nick raised his eyebrows, "You don't mean to compliment a women's breasts in a sexual way? In what way? Satirically? Metaphorically? Perhaps the breasts represent the feud between Israel and Palestine?"
"No, that was a different girl. But seriously, why can't a guy say that a woman's breasts look artistically perfect without getting accuses of shit? I mean, if I compliment their eyes or lips, or even their skin, I'm all the rage. But breasts-no go area."
"Well, I presume you're not planning to lick a woman's eyes, or given her lips special pet names, which you'll remember more than the woman's actual name. Oh...and you're a pervert who is incapable of artistic thought."
"Okay then Mister Art Student-"
"Art Graduate thank you very much. I earned those two letters after my name, if nothing else," Nick cut in.
"Whatever-you tell me, if you're so capable of artistic thought, how you would talk about the perfect pair of breasts?"
Nick was taken aback, for once being outside any comfort, "Well, I don't think like that, do I? So I wouldn't be focusing on her chest, but on her personality, her ideas. In fact, I can't think of anyone's chest well enough to name it as perfect so-"
"Kelly's younger sister," Steve cut in.
Nick paused, eyes up as the image was brought to mind, "Okay. I'll agree with you that far. Kelly's younger sister is the benchmark of Mammary Perfections to which all others can be compared...artistically, but she's the only one I can remember that well."
"Well, if we have a benchmark, then we can compare other chests. We have a system, Nicky my boy," Steve said, pointing to Gia, "Gia's. In what way better, and in what way worse. We'll start with perkiness, and then move over to nipple size. I think we'll want to keep cup size to the absolute end, don't you?"
"I think we'll keep this until later," Nick said, gesturing for Steve to turn from Gia's chest, "Company."
Steve turned to see Mark walking over to them.
"Hey," he said.
"Oh, hello," Nick said, "You're Gia's beau, aren't you? Mark Someone or other."
"Yep, that's me," Mark said, smiling and nodding slightly. He quickly struck out a hand, "I don't think we ever met, Nick, but I've heard a lot about you from Gia."
"Really? How much?" Nick asked, returning the handshake.
Mark was confused by this, "I'm not sure. A lot, maybe?"
"As much as she talks about me?" Steve asked, grinning.
"Oh, much more. But this is irrelevant. I was just talking to Kelly, and something came up, and she recommended I come over here to-"
"She couldn't have heard us!" Steve hissed, "She's over the other side of the room, and there's music playing."
"Kelly is a fucking witch!" Nick joined Steve, "If she was on the other side of the state she'd probably have still heard us talking about her sister. She's going to fucking kill us now."
"Excuse me," Mark cut in, but was ignored.
"Nah, she forgave us the last times, didn't she? I mean, it's not like we do anything apart from talking. I mean, you don't, and I wouldn't want to risk Kelly's wrath like that."
"Yeah, but remember, we didn't do anything but talk the last time too, and Kelly was still pissed. She'll have us castrated after this."
"Excuse me," Mark said, a little louder this time, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Kelly...Kelly's sister," Nick whispered, "She doesn't like us talking about her sister. Very protective."
"Well...don't worry. I don't think she heard anything."
"So that's not why you came over?" Steve asked.
"Well, if you'd et me speak, I was going to say that, well, I've been an idiot."
"Yes. We knew that already," Nick said, "Actually, I just presumed it. Go on."
Mark continued, his voice showing the slightest hint of annoyance, "So, anyway, I was getting jealous that Gia was hanging around you guys. And this just got to a huge level, when I found Gia stuck in Steve's arms."
"And why aren't you jealous," Steve asked, "What did Kelly say to you?"
"Well, she said what was going on between you guys. And I think its great."
Nick suspected what was going on, and began to grin. Steve also suspected, and his eyebrows clenched as he hissed, "What-did-she-say?"
"Jesus, do you want me to spill it out! She told me," Mark began, then started to whisper, "That you two were lovers."
"WHAT!" Steve hissed loudly back, his anger hidden by the laughing fit Nick was having at the suggestion.
"And I think it's great. I mean, so many men in your situation want to repress what only comes naturally, it's great to see two men who are proud-"
"I'm not gay!" Steve shouted.
"You're not?" Nick said, mock shocked, "What about last Thursday?"
"What happened last Thursday?" Steve asked, distracted.
"Well, you described it as fisting-"
"Shut up Nick!" Steve shouted, then turned to Mark, "Listen, Kelly is a lying bitch. I'm not gay. Never have been gay. And there's nothing a find less desirable than a male penis."
"That's right darling," Nick said, draping an arm around Steve's shoulders and winking, "We're both not gay together."
The arm was forced off by Steve, "Ignore him. He's an arse."
"Yeah, I will," Mark said, "Look I'm sorry. I just was going by what Kelly was saying, and I guess I was worried you were going to try and jump Gia so-"
"Me jump Gia? Ha!" Steve said, "Listen, two things you need to know. Firstly, I can't stand Gia-we just don't get on. So there's absolutely no chance I'd ever jump her."
"Okay. Good, got it. Fine. And the second?"
"There is someone you need to protect Gia from," Steve said with an evil smirk, pointing behind Mark.
Mark turned to see Kelly chatting with Gia, "That's ridiculous. Kelly...she has a boyfriend. He's here."
"So what? I had two girlfriends here, and you were still convinced I was gay!" Steve insisted, "You ee, Kelly is omnisexual. Like a cross between a porn star and the Tasmanian devil, anything that gets in her path is devoured in her sexual appetite."
"Gia's straight though."
"Doesn't matter. Kelly is always gloating about the women she's converted into building blocks of her sexual pyramid," Steve said, getting in close to whisper to Mark, "So if I were you, I'd stop worrying about the two guys who aren't interested, and get over to protect the girl you love from the sex demon who just created a story to get some time alone with your girl."
Mark looked at Kelly and Gia, uncertain. Then Kelly hugged Gia, and his mind was set off. With a stern step, he walked over to the girls. Steve watched behind him, grinning.
"Sex demon? Sexual pyramid?" Nick whispered in Steve's ear, "Where the hell did you get that from?"
"You remember? Those old exploitation films we're always going to."
"Right," Nick said, joining Steve to look at Mark, "She's going to kill you because of this, you know."
"Who, Kelly? Hey, all's fair. She says I'm gay with you, the only fair thing to do is say that she's gay with Gia."
"I wasn't talking about Kelly," Nick said, giving a knowing nod to Steve, "Shall we silently leave?"
"No, I think I'd prefer to stay and watch."
"Suit yourself," Nick said, taking his drink and heading to the bathroom.
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