Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > If it looks like I'm laughing, I'm just asking to leave.
Nicky's POV
I've got a feeling of deja vu. I've been here before, but in a different place. Its 2 days after my little run in with Ryan at the mall and I look around the table and see the four Panic! boys and myself and my three best friends. This was exactly like that scene about a year and a half ago. Then we were in Philly, now we're in Boston, and I was 17, not 19. I'm not even sure how I got here. All I remember is Emily coming home and telling Meg, Lane and I to get ready, "We're going to eat at a friend's house." Next thing I know, I'm eating dinner with them in their hotel suite.
It's truly odd how all the boys sit in the exact same spots. I wonder if that is how they sit when they eat dinner together, if they ever do, they probably don't have the empty seat between them though. Thankfully my "friends", friends in the loosest sense of the term since they're probably all in on this grr, didn't make me sit in the same position. Yet, I was still across the table from Ryan, between Jon and Brendon and Emily was between Ryan and Brendon. Thanks guys.
"Interesting how we all end up together again, but in a totally different city." Spencer said taking a bite of the food we ordered from room service.
"Yeah real interesting." I muttered sarcastically. Don't get me wrong. I love these boys, just not one of them.
"So why are you guys here anyways?" lane asked Jon.
"Well, we're doing a couple shows around the area. We really love Boston, so we decided to stay here for a while to chill and have a solid spot instead of always staying on the bus."
"Awesome." Meg nodded. Yes. We all know she hates their music. Yes, but she is here because they are cool people ok?
I could feel Ryan's eye boaring a hole in my head, but I refused to look up and meet his gaze.
We went on talking about different subjects, just talking about anything and everything. They were the type of guys that were just really outgoing and you could instantly feel comfortable with. Though we did our best to mask it, I know that everybody could feel the tension between Ryan and me.
"So Lane, Meg you guys still together with Will and Matt?" Brendon asked. Of course he knew already. Emily tells him everything. What is he getting at?
"Yup." They replied in unison.
"Nicky, I hear you have a boyfriend."
"Yeah. Tell us about Sean, Nicky." Ryan remarks.
I turn my head my head, finally looking him in face. My eyes shoot daggers at him, but he has a smug content look on his face that doesn't meet his eyes.
"There's nothing to tell." I said still glaring at Ryan. "We broke up."
At this his face drops and a surprised look replaces that smug look I wanted to slap off his face.
"WHAT?!" Emily, Lane and Meg exclaim in unison.
"You didn't tell us this because....?" Meg asked.
"It never came up."
"When did it happen?" Emily asked.
"Um he called night before last and I told him that if he couldn't trust me, that I couldn't be with him."
"Jesus. That's so unlike him. I thought you two would never break up. You guys were so cute together." Meg said. At the last part Ryan turned and glared at her. "I, I mean-"
"Guitar Hero anyone?"
"Oh Spence, You know that Ryan and I boycott, but we'll watch."
"Yes! You are so going down twinkle toes!" Brendon yelled running over to the TV.
"I hate it when you call me that." Spencer whined.
Everyone got up to watch the competition. At least so I thought. I had stayed seated I looked up and Ryan was still sitting across from me. My eyes met his and I just stared.
I know that I still love him. I also know that I shouldn't, but I do.
He broke our stare down by getting up and moving to the other side of the table coming around the back of my chair and leaning down so his lips were next to my ear.
"Can we please talk?" He whispered. I could hear the pleading tone in his voice.
The feeling of him so close again was indescribable. The feel of his hand on my shoulder, his lips next to my ear sent electric shocks through my body and goose bumps spread down my arms.
He pulled the chair out slightly and I stood up and while everyone else was concentrated on the TV, rooting for whom ever they wanted to win, we slipped into Ryan's room.
I walked in and stood in the middle of the room while he shut the door behind us.
He walked over to me sliding his hands into his pockets. How he got his hands in his pockets I have no idea. His pants are always so tight. And I love it.
The look on his face made him look like a vulnerable boy, yet I knew he was a 22 year old man. I bit my lip and looked away from his perfection. I tried to look anywhere, but at him. I have found that this helps to dull the hurt pumping through my chest.
We stood in silence, it wasn't awkward, yet it wasn't totally comfortable.
"So how have you been?" He asked quietly.
"Please Ryan, no small talk." I said looking up into his face.
"Is it true? Are you and Sean over?"
I nodded slowly.
"Then listen to me, please." He said coming over and standing in front of me. He put his hands on my upper arms, which were crossed over my chest and he turned me so I had to look at him. "I never meant to hurt you, Nicky. Life just got so crazy I lost track of time and I don't know..." He sighed. "I don't know how I even got through those months with out you."
I pulled out of his grasp and sat down on the bed with my head in my hands. He walked over and sat down next to me.
"Nicky, I-" He took a deep breath in and out. "I still love you. I love you more than anything in the world."
I sighed into my hands. I dropped them so they were clenched between my knees and I looked straight forward. Then, I turned my head looked at him. I shook my head and smiled slightly to myself then I made myself meet his eyes. "Ryan, I never stopped loving you."
He smiled and leaned in. /I can't believe this is happening again. /His lips met mine and it was electrifying. It was something I had been thinking about since that day he left me so many months ago. He wrapped his arms slowly around my waist and soon he was leaning me back onto the bed.
Then I realized what I was doing and I jumped back to reality. This was the guy that left with no word at all for months and broke my heart. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him off of me.
"But I can't. I can't do this." I said sitting up.
"Wh-what? Why?" He asked surprised.
"I can't trust you Ryan and until you gain my trust back, we can't do this." And with that I got up and walked out of the room.
I've got a feeling of deja vu. I've been here before, but in a different place. Its 2 days after my little run in with Ryan at the mall and I look around the table and see the four Panic! boys and myself and my three best friends. This was exactly like that scene about a year and a half ago. Then we were in Philly, now we're in Boston, and I was 17, not 19. I'm not even sure how I got here. All I remember is Emily coming home and telling Meg, Lane and I to get ready, "We're going to eat at a friend's house." Next thing I know, I'm eating dinner with them in their hotel suite.
It's truly odd how all the boys sit in the exact same spots. I wonder if that is how they sit when they eat dinner together, if they ever do, they probably don't have the empty seat between them though. Thankfully my "friends", friends in the loosest sense of the term since they're probably all in on this grr, didn't make me sit in the same position. Yet, I was still across the table from Ryan, between Jon and Brendon and Emily was between Ryan and Brendon. Thanks guys.
"Interesting how we all end up together again, but in a totally different city." Spencer said taking a bite of the food we ordered from room service.
"Yeah real interesting." I muttered sarcastically. Don't get me wrong. I love these boys, just not one of them.
"So why are you guys here anyways?" lane asked Jon.
"Well, we're doing a couple shows around the area. We really love Boston, so we decided to stay here for a while to chill and have a solid spot instead of always staying on the bus."
"Awesome." Meg nodded. Yes. We all know she hates their music. Yes, but she is here because they are cool people ok?
I could feel Ryan's eye boaring a hole in my head, but I refused to look up and meet his gaze.
We went on talking about different subjects, just talking about anything and everything. They were the type of guys that were just really outgoing and you could instantly feel comfortable with. Though we did our best to mask it, I know that everybody could feel the tension between Ryan and me.
"So Lane, Meg you guys still together with Will and Matt?" Brendon asked. Of course he knew already. Emily tells him everything. What is he getting at?
"Yup." They replied in unison.
"Nicky, I hear you have a boyfriend."
"Yeah. Tell us about Sean, Nicky." Ryan remarks.
I turn my head my head, finally looking him in face. My eyes shoot daggers at him, but he has a smug content look on his face that doesn't meet his eyes.
"There's nothing to tell." I said still glaring at Ryan. "We broke up."
At this his face drops and a surprised look replaces that smug look I wanted to slap off his face.
"WHAT?!" Emily, Lane and Meg exclaim in unison.
"You didn't tell us this because....?" Meg asked.
"It never came up."
"When did it happen?" Emily asked.
"Um he called night before last and I told him that if he couldn't trust me, that I couldn't be with him."
"Jesus. That's so unlike him. I thought you two would never break up. You guys were so cute together." Meg said. At the last part Ryan turned and glared at her. "I, I mean-"
"Guitar Hero anyone?"
"Oh Spence, You know that Ryan and I boycott, but we'll watch."
"Yes! You are so going down twinkle toes!" Brendon yelled running over to the TV.
"I hate it when you call me that." Spencer whined.
Everyone got up to watch the competition. At least so I thought. I had stayed seated I looked up and Ryan was still sitting across from me. My eyes met his and I just stared.
I know that I still love him. I also know that I shouldn't, but I do.
He broke our stare down by getting up and moving to the other side of the table coming around the back of my chair and leaning down so his lips were next to my ear.
"Can we please talk?" He whispered. I could hear the pleading tone in his voice.
The feeling of him so close again was indescribable. The feel of his hand on my shoulder, his lips next to my ear sent electric shocks through my body and goose bumps spread down my arms.
He pulled the chair out slightly and I stood up and while everyone else was concentrated on the TV, rooting for whom ever they wanted to win, we slipped into Ryan's room.
I walked in and stood in the middle of the room while he shut the door behind us.
He walked over to me sliding his hands into his pockets. How he got his hands in his pockets I have no idea. His pants are always so tight. And I love it.
The look on his face made him look like a vulnerable boy, yet I knew he was a 22 year old man. I bit my lip and looked away from his perfection. I tried to look anywhere, but at him. I have found that this helps to dull the hurt pumping through my chest.
We stood in silence, it wasn't awkward, yet it wasn't totally comfortable.
"So how have you been?" He asked quietly.
"Please Ryan, no small talk." I said looking up into his face.
"Is it true? Are you and Sean over?"
I nodded slowly.
"Then listen to me, please." He said coming over and standing in front of me. He put his hands on my upper arms, which were crossed over my chest and he turned me so I had to look at him. "I never meant to hurt you, Nicky. Life just got so crazy I lost track of time and I don't know..." He sighed. "I don't know how I even got through those months with out you."
I pulled out of his grasp and sat down on the bed with my head in my hands. He walked over and sat down next to me.
"Nicky, I-" He took a deep breath in and out. "I still love you. I love you more than anything in the world."
I sighed into my hands. I dropped them so they were clenched between my knees and I looked straight forward. Then, I turned my head looked at him. I shook my head and smiled slightly to myself then I made myself meet his eyes. "Ryan, I never stopped loving you."
He smiled and leaned in. /I can't believe this is happening again. /His lips met mine and it was electrifying. It was something I had been thinking about since that day he left me so many months ago. He wrapped his arms slowly around my waist and soon he was leaning me back onto the bed.
Then I realized what I was doing and I jumped back to reality. This was the guy that left with no word at all for months and broke my heart. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him off of me.
"But I can't. I can't do this." I said sitting up.
"Wh-what? Why?" He asked surprised.
"I can't trust you Ryan and until you gain my trust back, we can't do this." And with that I got up and walked out of the room.
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