Maybe people reviewing would change that?! -hinthint-
I woke to the sound of my phone ringing. Without opening my eyes, I groped around for it. I hit the on button and answered, "Hello?"
"Hey, you feel alright?" It was Kaoru.
"...huh? Yeah, I'm alright. Why? Did you talk to Die?"
"No... did something happen with Die?"
I sighed softly, "No, nothing happened. Just... talk to him if you want to know. But I better go; I'll talk to you later."
I hung up the phone and set it back on the bed. I rubbed at my eyes and felt tears forming again. They ran down my cheeks and I cried out in anger. I was sick of crying. I was sick of everything.
I turned over again and stared at the drawer beside my bed. I moved again and pulled the little blade out.
I lay and thought about it. How much would I be throwing away if I really did this? I had no relationship, sure, I was in the band, but how would I cope with seeing Die everyday? They could find someone new.
I had my parents... my mother and father... but they would be able to get over it. I didn't have much beside that, did I?
I had friends... but they would move on. No one's life depended on mine. No one would be crushed if I was gone.
Besides, it was easy. Skin isn't that thick. Neither are veins. Just a small, little push and it'd be over.
I didn't realize that almost 20 minutes had passed with my thinking. I had spent too long; I had to do this before I lost the nerve.
I held the blade against my wrist, my heart racing in my chest, the beating echoing in my ears. I had already decided not to leave a note; they wouldn't understand me even if I wrote my reasoning plainly.
I took a deep breath, tears leaving salty streaks on my face. I closed my eyes to summon up the courage and pressed very slightly, not enough to quite break the skin. My heart beat excitedly with the realization that I would soon be happy.
I heard the bedroom door opening, but didn't feel the need to look up to see who it was.
"Shinya, stop it! Don't do it, please!"
I looked up quickly at Die's voice. He launched himself on the bed and pulled my hand away.
"Shinya, it's not worth it, stop it, please," He pleaded softly, staring directly into my eyes. "Why would you do something like this to yourself?"
"I don't care anymore, Die," I looked away. "What do I have to live for?"
"You have friends... you have our band. You have a family, Shinya; don't you care about any of them?"
He held my face softly and I stared back into his chocolate brown eyes. "You'll get over me... you'll find a new drummer. It's not a big deal. I don't have a relationship or anything."
"That doesn't mean you should just kill yourself," Die said gently, his eyes shining.
I looked away finally, falling out of his grip. I dropped the metal bit on the bedside table. "Why are you here anyway?" I asked suddenly.
"Kaoru called, he was worried."
"And he couldn't come here himself? That's touching."
"No... he thought it would be better for you... if I was here."
"Really, now why would he think that?" I choked slightly again, tears slipping down my cheeks.
"Shinya, please, look at me, you can't hurt yourself."
"Yes I can," I coughed slightly; "It's not that tough."
"No... I don't want you to hurt yourself. You're my friend."
"I'm just a stupid friend, you'll get over it. It's not like you're my lover or anything."
"Shinya don't talk like that," He held my face, kissing my forehead softly, "You're one of my best friends, and you know I can't love you back..."
"That's why I want to end it. I can't have the one person I truly love. Why does it matter anymore?"
"Shinya, you're still alive, that's what matters. Besides, the numbers you got... the guys you met last night, what about them?" He asked softly.
"I threw the numbers away."
He looked at me with pity in his eyes. I looked away again and wiped my eyes to rid them of the tears. "I only want you, Die," I said softly, not looking at him.
He sighed, "Listen... how about you come out and lay on the couch, and I'll just stay here with you for a while? I really don't want to go home and be alone right now anyway."
I looked away slightly but got up anyway. I grabbed a pillow and blanket, moving out to the couch. I curled up and stared at the TV blankly, exhaustion from the crying, thinking, and stress washing over me.
"You should try to get some sleep," Die said softly.
I nodded and stared up at him silently.
"What is it?" He asked in a gentle voice.
I shook my head, looking away.
He walked to my side of the couch, "Tell me what's wrong. Do you want something?"
"Nothing I can have," I said softly, holding back tears.
"Shinya..." He sighed softly, wrapping his arms around me, "I'm sorry... you know I am."
I nodded and held him close. After a minute I let go and apologized, "Sorry... sorry, Die."
He shook his head, "Its okay. You look really tired."
"Yeah... I am," I rubbed my eyes again.
"Okay, I'll stay here with you then. Do you mind if I make something to eat? I can make you some."
I shook my head, "I just want to rest; I'm really not hungry. You can help yourself though."
"Alright, well you sleep well. I'll try not to wake you up. Oh, and is it alright if I use your phone? I was going to call Kaoru."
I nodded, "Its fine, I'm not going to get mad at you for using something... I don't mind."
"Alright, well, I'll leave you alone to get some rest."
I watched him walk away and curled into myself. I closed my eyes and fell back to sleep.