FicWad

Week 28

"You don't have to do this, you know?" Steve said, leaning back on Nick's couch, "We've still got our regular film night on Tuesday, and you've got a lot of cleaning to do."

"It's not a problem. In fact it's something we have to do," Nick said as he put in a DVD, "The only way two heterosexual men are allowed to talk about their feelings is over porn. Well, actually I can talk about my feelings anyway-"

"What feelings?"

"True-that only makes them easier to talk about. Anyway, I can talk about my feelings, but you're the homophobe, so I thought you'd probably want a film in to balance it out," Nick said, collapsing in a sofa with the DVD box, "Girl meets girl-technically not porn, but lesploitation-I hope you don't mind lesbians."

"You know I don't mind. That's what it's all about if you ask me, girls kissing girls."

"Okay, now what is the first rule of our movie nights?" Nick asked, "All comments are to be sarcastic and witty, not misogynist and ultra-male. We are here to make fun of the bad plots and acting, not to be turned on."

"Right," Steve nodded, staring at the screen, "Still, lesbians, fine."

"Duly noted," Nick said, eyes also at the screen, "So...you want to talk about what your problem is now, or what until a dull scene comes up?"

"Well, it's pretty dull now. I mean, they're just swimming. Swimming naked, I know, but I'm kinda expecting more."

"Okay then, go. Unleash."

"Um, I think I've got feelings for Gia, and shit," Steve explained. Nick nodded calmly, before getting up from the sofa, taking two steps over to Steve. He then bent over his relaxing friend, and slapped him across the face.

"What the hell was that for? Why'd you slap me?"

"Well, it gets the message across, without causing the damage a punch would. Plus, it doesn't require that much energy-you need so much energy for a punch, whereas a slap is 50 inertia so-" Nick said, going back to sit in his sofa.

"You know what I mean!"

"Try and think back, Steve, to one of the first rules I set out between us. What one do you think is relevant now?"

"Um...don't order you to make a dinner party?" Steve asked confused.

"I wish. I wish I had had that foresight," Nick answered, "No. My only rule to you was don't try and fuck my friends. They deserve better than you, and I respect them far too much. And I think it was a pretty good deal."

"What did I get in return?"

"My undying devotion and respect, fucktard," Nick said, before continuing, "It was a really good deal then, and it's even better now, considering I've only got three friends. And quite frankly, you can fuck yourself as often as you wish-I don't have a problem with that."

Nick turned back to the television, "Now, let's go back to watching the Swedish lesbians, and forget this conversation ever took place. Oh look, they're in a sauna. I wonder what will happen next."

Steve rubbed his cheek still stinging from the second time he'd been slapped today, let alone the third.

"This isn't me just trying to seduce her, man. It's, like something deeper. I'm feeling something like," Steve began before yelling, "I can't say this shit. It's not true to my character."

"I think that was my line," Nick muttered, "So, let's get you back to normal and forget all about your grande romance."

"I can't, man. You gotta help me. If I don't get hope, I'll keep out spouting this shit like some sort of, sort of..."

"Internet fiction writer?" Nick suggested, "Tempting, but I think I can just avoid you for as long as you're irritating. Besides, how do you suppose I was going to help you anyway?"

"Well, you have known Gia for longer. Surely you'd be able to, give me some details about her."

"I haven't known her that much longer than I've known you. It was only two years of school we spent together, y'know."

"But, still, you must know something. Like, what she wants, what she hates, and-"

"Oh, that's easy. She wants Mark. She hates you," Nick said, "There's your answer."

Steve faced the television, thinking it over "Well if Mark was out of the picture then-"

He was cut off by Nick throwing a cushion at him.

"As I can't be arsed getting off the sofa, that's how harsh I'll be able to express my dislike of that tactic," Nick said, "I swear, Steve, fucking my friends is one thing, but if you set about ruining a relationship that actually appears to be going well for her-I swear I'll spend the rest of my days making sure you never get laid."

"You already do."

"Well, I'll try even harder. I mean, I let Joanne get through the net, didn't I?"

"Who's Joanne?"

"Fat one," Nick answered, "Yeah, you won't even be getting sympathy sex if you screw around with Gia and Mark."

"It'll be your fault. I mean, you're not even trying to help me."

"Why bother? Steve, I doubt you had a chance when you first met her, but even if you did, think about how you've treated her over the past two months. If the positions were reversed, would you date you?"

Steve thought it over for a while, "Dunno. Would I put out?"

"And thus we have the old Steve returning."

"Oh come on, that was an accident! I'm not used to being like this."

"Neither am I! Steve, think about me and Kelly for once in your life. We've both known you for, what, four, five years now? And in that time we've known you as a cad, the guy who prides himself on never sleeping in the same bed for more than a week at one time. Now you want to try monogamy. I don't think we'll cope," Nick explained, "For starters, if you tied yourself down to one woman, any woman, it'd make Kelly the sluttiest one of us."

"I'll tell Kelly you said that. She'll probably kill you."

"Please, Steve. I wash dishes and serve food for a living. If some Asian girl wants to kill me, it'd be more excitement than I've had in years-I'd welcome it. Now, forget this foolish dream, and let's get back to the movie."

Steve grumbled, but started watching the television again.

"I'll still do it, you know. I'll win Gia over with or without your help."

"And don't worry Steve. I'll be there to laugh at you when you fail."