Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 30
"So that's it for another week. As always, to our five listeners, come back next week unless you've got something better to do," Nick said into the microphone, "Until then, it's goodnight from me, Nick Thompson, and-"
Steve was tuned out, just staring at the microphone.
"And goodnight from him, Steve Bardwell. And now...an hour of chant-" Nick began, but to be cut off by Steve.
"And a big goodnight from me to Gia Tsiakis, someone who I hope will realise that change, change for the better is always possible. And I hope she takes the gift I left as an indication of that change," Steve said, being watched by Nick, currently at the mid point between shock and rage.
"And we're out," Kelly said over the intercom.
"Kelly, please tell me we didn't transmit that over-emotional sack of crap just then?" Nick asked.
"I managed to drown most of it out in the chanting," Kelly explained, "But Gia's name would still be able to be heard. I'll apologise to her in the next time I see her. However, we may think about investing in a ball gag for our lovesick puppy over there."
Steve just stared straight ahead, not noticing their comments. He got up from his chair and started to walk out of the recording studio.
"Well, I for one can't do all the female voices for much longer," Nick said, perhaps a bit too loudly, "Perhaps you should get a replacement soon, Kelly?"
"I've put out the requests around campus, but I don't think we'll find anyone soon."
"You could always ask your sister to come. I mean, she knows the place, we get along with her really well. Really really well," Nick said, raising his eyebrows.
Steve said nothing, continuing to head out of the station.
"No way am I letting my little sister back in here. You guys can't be trusted when she's around, and, well I just get offended."
"How so?" Nick asked.
"You called us "Hot and Homely Huan sisters" where I was not the hot one. And Steve, well Steve called us "Sweet and Sour Shou sisters."-same problem."
"Oh, what problem is that?"
"For starters-neither of these are our surnames. We're Cambodian, not Chinese."
"You are?" Nick asked, surprised, "What is your surname then? Pot?
Still no reaction from Steve.
"Oh for crying out loud," Kelly said, grabbing Steve and shaking him, "Nick just raised the possibility that you'd be working with my sister again-and I'm still not getting a reaction."
"I'm just not that interested anymore," Steve answered.
"Jesus, you're meant to be dull and predictable after you start a serious relationship, not before," Kelly, letting him go and walking off.
"Hey, if you guys can't handle a normal person trying to pursue normal feelings then-" Steve began, turning to leave, but stopping when he realised something, turning to point at Nick, "You told her! You told her about our private chat."
"Well, not everything," Nick said, "The movie we were watching, I didn't think that was important."
"Well....it was porn. Kelly, we were watching porn," Steve said, yelling at Nick, "How do you like that? How do you like your reputation tainted in front of a friend?"
"Meh," Kelly said, "I already knew it was porn."
"And besides, it wasn't porn. Lesploitation. There's a difference. I don't know what the difference is, but it definitely exists."
"You guys are absolute bastards. I'm outta here," Steve said marching out of the station.
"Hey! My parents were married, thank you very much. Can't speak for Kelly-her father was probably a disillusioned GI, but my parents, definitely C of E," Nick called out after him.
"Fuck you," Kelly said, "Could you maybe, just once not make a remark about my ethnicity? Just once?"
'Seriously, though," Nick said, getting his coat and opening the door for Kelly, "What's your surname? Saloth Sar? Sak Sutsakhan?"
"Sen, if you must know." Kelly said, walking past him. Nick locked the door behind them.
"That's not very good. You'll have to change that when you get married. You'll have to find yourself a husband with a cool surname. Like, Killmaster or something," Nick said, walking alongside Kelly, "Speaking of which, you hanging out with your beau tonight, or is Super Mario busy with his brother saving the princess?"
"I'm presuming you're calling my boyfriend Super Mario because he's Italian?" Kelly asked.
"Of course," Nick shouted, "You shouldn't even need to ask."
"Well, it's always nice when I realise it's not just the Asian community you talk about in stereotypes," Kelly said, "And to answer your question, no. I dumped him a few nights back."
"Oh really. What good reason this time? Bad horoscrope? Hairy chest? Bald chest? Wanted not to have to wear the dog collar all the time?"
"Get this. Get ready, because it'll hit you like a brick," Kelly began, taking a deep breath before saying, "He took me to see Miss Saigon."
Nick thought this over, "Now, to me, that's a good reason for why I should be dating him. Why you wouldn't date someone who did that-I don't understand. You've lost me."
"It's a musical with a mainly Asian cast."
"So what? Progressive. I thought you wanted more for the Asian acting community than extras and prostitutes."
"Progressive, my arse. Instead of Extras and prostitutes, all the Asians are singing extras and singing prostitutes," Kelly yelled, "Except of course, for one dainty china doll who also is a whore, but for a good reason."
"I can understand why you wouldn't like the show, obviously bringing up bad memories of your undergraduate degree. But still not getting why you're blaming Super Mario for this? I mean, he didn't write the score, did he?"
"He obviously thinks now that just because I'm Asian, I'm either going to be some sweet virginal flower, waiting to be defiled-"
Nick laughed at this point. Kelly grimaced, and continued, talking a slightly bit louder, "Or I'll be this dirty women who'll do anything for money."
"Disgraceful!" Nick said, regaining his composure, "You'll do anything free of charge. Hell, if we could combine your activities with the Salvos, we'd have a very nice charity, and therefore tax-deduction on our hands."
Kelly groaned and walked faster.
"Hey!" Nick called after her, "Now that I know your very good reason for dumping your beau, do you want to discuss what to do about Steve somewhere. Unless you've already found something else to do."
Kelly stopped, "Let's go, Nick. There's a coffee bar around here somewhere."
"Coffee?" Nick said, hurrying up to her, "Who needs coffee when I can have some hot china t-"
Kelly, not looking back, swung her elbow backwards, her fist stopping just before it reached Nick's face.
"There's a line, Nick. Feel free to cross it anytime you choose. But remember, there'll be consequences."
"All right, all right," Nick said, "I'll stop, okay. Calm."
Kelly slowly lowered her elbow.
"You know," Nick said as the fist returned to its lowered point, "Martial arts is such an Asian stereo-"
"Nick! Warning you for the last time!"
"So that's it for another week. As always, to our five listeners, come back next week unless you've got something better to do," Nick said into the microphone, "Until then, it's goodnight from me, Nick Thompson, and-"
Steve was tuned out, just staring at the microphone.
"And goodnight from him, Steve Bardwell. And now...an hour of chant-" Nick began, but to be cut off by Steve.
"And a big goodnight from me to Gia Tsiakis, someone who I hope will realise that change, change for the better is always possible. And I hope she takes the gift I left as an indication of that change," Steve said, being watched by Nick, currently at the mid point between shock and rage.
"And we're out," Kelly said over the intercom.
"Kelly, please tell me we didn't transmit that over-emotional sack of crap just then?" Nick asked.
"I managed to drown most of it out in the chanting," Kelly explained, "But Gia's name would still be able to be heard. I'll apologise to her in the next time I see her. However, we may think about investing in a ball gag for our lovesick puppy over there."
Steve just stared straight ahead, not noticing their comments. He got up from his chair and started to walk out of the recording studio.
"Well, I for one can't do all the female voices for much longer," Nick said, perhaps a bit too loudly, "Perhaps you should get a replacement soon, Kelly?"
"I've put out the requests around campus, but I don't think we'll find anyone soon."
"You could always ask your sister to come. I mean, she knows the place, we get along with her really well. Really really well," Nick said, raising his eyebrows.
Steve said nothing, continuing to head out of the station.
"No way am I letting my little sister back in here. You guys can't be trusted when she's around, and, well I just get offended."
"How so?" Nick asked.
"You called us "Hot and Homely Huan sisters" where I was not the hot one. And Steve, well Steve called us "Sweet and Sour Shou sisters."-same problem."
"Oh, what problem is that?"
"For starters-neither of these are our surnames. We're Cambodian, not Chinese."
"You are?" Nick asked, surprised, "What is your surname then? Pot?
Still no reaction from Steve.
"Oh for crying out loud," Kelly said, grabbing Steve and shaking him, "Nick just raised the possibility that you'd be working with my sister again-and I'm still not getting a reaction."
"I'm just not that interested anymore," Steve answered.
"Jesus, you're meant to be dull and predictable after you start a serious relationship, not before," Kelly, letting him go and walking off.
"Hey, if you guys can't handle a normal person trying to pursue normal feelings then-" Steve began, turning to leave, but stopping when he realised something, turning to point at Nick, "You told her! You told her about our private chat."
"Well, not everything," Nick said, "The movie we were watching, I didn't think that was important."
"Well....it was porn. Kelly, we were watching porn," Steve said, yelling at Nick, "How do you like that? How do you like your reputation tainted in front of a friend?"
"Meh," Kelly said, "I already knew it was porn."
"And besides, it wasn't porn. Lesploitation. There's a difference. I don't know what the difference is, but it definitely exists."
"You guys are absolute bastards. I'm outta here," Steve said marching out of the station.
"Hey! My parents were married, thank you very much. Can't speak for Kelly-her father was probably a disillusioned GI, but my parents, definitely C of E," Nick called out after him.
"Fuck you," Kelly said, "Could you maybe, just once not make a remark about my ethnicity? Just once?"
'Seriously, though," Nick said, getting his coat and opening the door for Kelly, "What's your surname? Saloth Sar? Sak Sutsakhan?"
"Sen, if you must know." Kelly said, walking past him. Nick locked the door behind them.
"That's not very good. You'll have to change that when you get married. You'll have to find yourself a husband with a cool surname. Like, Killmaster or something," Nick said, walking alongside Kelly, "Speaking of which, you hanging out with your beau tonight, or is Super Mario busy with his brother saving the princess?"
"I'm presuming you're calling my boyfriend Super Mario because he's Italian?" Kelly asked.
"Of course," Nick shouted, "You shouldn't even need to ask."
"Well, it's always nice when I realise it's not just the Asian community you talk about in stereotypes," Kelly said, "And to answer your question, no. I dumped him a few nights back."
"Oh really. What good reason this time? Bad horoscrope? Hairy chest? Bald chest? Wanted not to have to wear the dog collar all the time?"
"Get this. Get ready, because it'll hit you like a brick," Kelly began, taking a deep breath before saying, "He took me to see Miss Saigon."
Nick thought this over, "Now, to me, that's a good reason for why I should be dating him. Why you wouldn't date someone who did that-I don't understand. You've lost me."
"It's a musical with a mainly Asian cast."
"So what? Progressive. I thought you wanted more for the Asian acting community than extras and prostitutes."
"Progressive, my arse. Instead of Extras and prostitutes, all the Asians are singing extras and singing prostitutes," Kelly yelled, "Except of course, for one dainty china doll who also is a whore, but for a good reason."
"I can understand why you wouldn't like the show, obviously bringing up bad memories of your undergraduate degree. But still not getting why you're blaming Super Mario for this? I mean, he didn't write the score, did he?"
"He obviously thinks now that just because I'm Asian, I'm either going to be some sweet virginal flower, waiting to be defiled-"
Nick laughed at this point. Kelly grimaced, and continued, talking a slightly bit louder, "Or I'll be this dirty women who'll do anything for money."
"Disgraceful!" Nick said, regaining his composure, "You'll do anything free of charge. Hell, if we could combine your activities with the Salvos, we'd have a very nice charity, and therefore tax-deduction on our hands."
Kelly groaned and walked faster.
"Hey!" Nick called after her, "Now that I know your very good reason for dumping your beau, do you want to discuss what to do about Steve somewhere. Unless you've already found something else to do."
Kelly stopped, "Let's go, Nick. There's a coffee bar around here somewhere."
"Coffee?" Nick said, hurrying up to her, "Who needs coffee when I can have some hot china t-"
Kelly, not looking back, swung her elbow backwards, her fist stopping just before it reached Nick's face.
"There's a line, Nick. Feel free to cross it anytime you choose. But remember, there'll be consequences."
"All right, all right," Nick said, "I'll stop, okay. Calm."
Kelly slowly lowered her elbow.
"You know," Nick said as the fist returned to its lowered point, "Martial arts is such an Asian stereo-"
"Nick! Warning you for the last time!"
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