Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 34
Steve stared straight into Gia’s eyes and gave what he thought was a charming smile. Her clenched brow didn’t waver.
“Look, thanks for coming. I’m sure you were reluctant to-“
“Oh no,” Gia said, sarcasm entirely evident in her voice, “There’s nothing I like better then spending a Lunch with a guy I can’t stand, especially when I could be spending that same lunch with, say, friends I can stand, or, y’know, my boyfriend.”
“Okay, got the message,” Steve said, putting his hands up defensively, “I’m a dick. Well aware of it. But, really, I was a dick. I’ve changed now. I’m not the guy you knew before.”
“Oh really? So this metamorphous-when in the last week and a half did it happen? Because entire changes of character usually takes longer than that.”
Steve’s smile grew wider, “But don’t you see? It’s not a change of character-it’s the emergence of the real me. You’ve only known me as a selfish guy, the one who likes humiliating people for his own amusement, sleeping with people he doesn’t care about-but you’ve never met the real me. The one who wants to actually connect with people, on a deep level.”
“You’re playing semantics here. What cause the emergence of your true self then?” Gia added, rolling her eyes with condescension.
“Well, I guess, it was when the Selfish-Steve did something that hurt the Selfless-Steve, Selfless-Steve had to fight back, in order to win what he truly needed,” Steve said, pausing for effect, “That something was you.”
“Oooooh,” Gia said in a high pitch, her eyes going wide, “You say such wonderful things Steve. You’ve truly won me over with your poetic, almost Shakespearean, love sonnets for me. Come, fill my loins.”
Steve’s eyes clenched, “You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am. Your flowery language did all but make me vomit in my own mouth. And really, the fact you’ve probably tried this on, and succeeded with, so many girls before me, just makes me lose respect for my entire sex,” Gia said, her brow returning to a clench, “But, please go on. Tell me how I compare to a summer day. I’ve always wanted to know.”
“Listen, you’re not taking me seriously. I really do-“
“How am I meant to take you, Steve? Even if I believed you’ve changed, which I don’t, it’s so sudden, after being an arsehole for so long, that how am I supposed to trust that your selfish side won’t return just as suddenly?”
“He’s gone. Forever. Killed him.”
“No, that’s not true, Steve. You’re just going to go through Jekyll and Hyde like transformations for the rest of your life, and hurt anyone who’s involved with you in the process. What’s stopping you?”
“YOU!” Steve shouted, “You say you hate the poetry, then let’s forget it. Here’s the real reason I changed-it’s you! I like having you around, I need to have you around. When you told me you were leaving the station, I realised I’d never hear your voice again, never see you again, and suddenly I realised what our moments meant to me.”
“Our moments? When I told you I never wanted to see you-it’s more than we’d ever spoken.”
“But it was still there. It was there from the first time Nick introduced me to you-“
“When you decided to make a pass at the waitress and leave with her within half an hour? Sticking me and Nick with the bill. Which wasn’t exactly cheap. And did you ever pay us back?” Gia reminded him, “You know, your fond memories are certainly different from mine.”
“Well, when I saw you, I knew you were someone I wanted to be with, instead of just wanting to sleep with. You know how difficult that is for a guy who has spent the best part of his life since puberty trying to sleep with as many women as possible, while simultaneously trying to learn as little names as possible? So I protected myself by being an arse to you, getting you away from me. Making me so horrible you’d never want to get to know me. And God damn it, it wasn’t easy, because no matter how much of an arse I was, you’d always be ready to forgive me. But finally, when my wish came true-suddenly I realised why I’d been pushing you away for so long.”
Steve stopped there, hoping for a response from Gia. A grunt, a nod, an embrace (He was being very optimistic), anything would have pleased him.
When that didn’t happen he just said, “So? Can you give me a response?”
“You want me to say something, Steve? Okay, try this. What do you want me to do? I have a boyfriend who I love, and you’re asking me to run off with you, and break Mark’s heart? Is that what you’re asking? Because it was what you wanted less than a week ago.”
“No…no, it may have been what I wanted a week ago, but…”
“Another change? Seriously, what sort of chameleon are you?” Gia said deridingly.
“No, not a change, I just came to a realisation. You like Mark, and you’re happy with him. And that’s fine by me, because I want you to be happy, more than I want myself to be happy.”
“That’s a lie,” Gia sneered.
“Let me finish! I don’t want you to hurt him, or yourself. I just want, I just want you to accept me, as a friend. Let me be that person on the other end of the telephone to talk to. That person you have a lunch with when you’re free. Like you are with Kelly, and Nick. They care for you, no matter how much they deny it. I do too, so why can’t I be to you like they are?” Steve explained, becoming slightly annoyed, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much attracted to you. But, I’m happy to just be a friend for you. Unlike any other woman I’ve ever known, it’d be enough for me.”
Again, Steve paused, hoping Gia would respond. He was wrong.
“So…” he said, again pausing in a last chance for Gia to but in, “What d’ya say?”
“No,” she answered curtly.
“No? Just no! I’m laying my feelings out here for you and you just say no?”
“You’re not capable of that relationship with a woman. Not with any woman, and especially not with me.”
Steve put his head in his hands, mainly to muffle the sounds of him yelling into his palms. Then his face contorted to a sneer and looking up at Gia, he said, “Why the hell did you come, anyway? It’s obvious that nothing I’m going to say is going to convince you to even the tiniest degree of my good intentions, so why come?”
“Oh, I could tell you that, but….”
“But what?” Steve said. Gia pointed behind him, and he turned his head.
Evelyn and Gothic Rose sneered back at him.
“I think they can explain so much better than me,” Gia said, smiling for the first time that night.
Steve stared straight into Gia’s eyes and gave what he thought was a charming smile. Her clenched brow didn’t waver.
“Look, thanks for coming. I’m sure you were reluctant to-“
“Oh no,” Gia said, sarcasm entirely evident in her voice, “There’s nothing I like better then spending a Lunch with a guy I can’t stand, especially when I could be spending that same lunch with, say, friends I can stand, or, y’know, my boyfriend.”
“Okay, got the message,” Steve said, putting his hands up defensively, “I’m a dick. Well aware of it. But, really, I was a dick. I’ve changed now. I’m not the guy you knew before.”
“Oh really? So this metamorphous-when in the last week and a half did it happen? Because entire changes of character usually takes longer than that.”
Steve’s smile grew wider, “But don’t you see? It’s not a change of character-it’s the emergence of the real me. You’ve only known me as a selfish guy, the one who likes humiliating people for his own amusement, sleeping with people he doesn’t care about-but you’ve never met the real me. The one who wants to actually connect with people, on a deep level.”
“You’re playing semantics here. What cause the emergence of your true self then?” Gia added, rolling her eyes with condescension.
“Well, I guess, it was when the Selfish-Steve did something that hurt the Selfless-Steve, Selfless-Steve had to fight back, in order to win what he truly needed,” Steve said, pausing for effect, “That something was you.”
“Oooooh,” Gia said in a high pitch, her eyes going wide, “You say such wonderful things Steve. You’ve truly won me over with your poetic, almost Shakespearean, love sonnets for me. Come, fill my loins.”
Steve’s eyes clenched, “You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am. Your flowery language did all but make me vomit in my own mouth. And really, the fact you’ve probably tried this on, and succeeded with, so many girls before me, just makes me lose respect for my entire sex,” Gia said, her brow returning to a clench, “But, please go on. Tell me how I compare to a summer day. I’ve always wanted to know.”
“Listen, you’re not taking me seriously. I really do-“
“How am I meant to take you, Steve? Even if I believed you’ve changed, which I don’t, it’s so sudden, after being an arsehole for so long, that how am I supposed to trust that your selfish side won’t return just as suddenly?”
“He’s gone. Forever. Killed him.”
“No, that’s not true, Steve. You’re just going to go through Jekyll and Hyde like transformations for the rest of your life, and hurt anyone who’s involved with you in the process. What’s stopping you?”
“YOU!” Steve shouted, “You say you hate the poetry, then let’s forget it. Here’s the real reason I changed-it’s you! I like having you around, I need to have you around. When you told me you were leaving the station, I realised I’d never hear your voice again, never see you again, and suddenly I realised what our moments meant to me.”
“Our moments? When I told you I never wanted to see you-it’s more than we’d ever spoken.”
“But it was still there. It was there from the first time Nick introduced me to you-“
“When you decided to make a pass at the waitress and leave with her within half an hour? Sticking me and Nick with the bill. Which wasn’t exactly cheap. And did you ever pay us back?” Gia reminded him, “You know, your fond memories are certainly different from mine.”
“Well, when I saw you, I knew you were someone I wanted to be with, instead of just wanting to sleep with. You know how difficult that is for a guy who has spent the best part of his life since puberty trying to sleep with as many women as possible, while simultaneously trying to learn as little names as possible? So I protected myself by being an arse to you, getting you away from me. Making me so horrible you’d never want to get to know me. And God damn it, it wasn’t easy, because no matter how much of an arse I was, you’d always be ready to forgive me. But finally, when my wish came true-suddenly I realised why I’d been pushing you away for so long.”
Steve stopped there, hoping for a response from Gia. A grunt, a nod, an embrace (He was being very optimistic), anything would have pleased him.
When that didn’t happen he just said, “So? Can you give me a response?”
“You want me to say something, Steve? Okay, try this. What do you want me to do? I have a boyfriend who I love, and you’re asking me to run off with you, and break Mark’s heart? Is that what you’re asking? Because it was what you wanted less than a week ago.”
“No…no, it may have been what I wanted a week ago, but…”
“Another change? Seriously, what sort of chameleon are you?” Gia said deridingly.
“No, not a change, I just came to a realisation. You like Mark, and you’re happy with him. And that’s fine by me, because I want you to be happy, more than I want myself to be happy.”
“That’s a lie,” Gia sneered.
“Let me finish! I don’t want you to hurt him, or yourself. I just want, I just want you to accept me, as a friend. Let me be that person on the other end of the telephone to talk to. That person you have a lunch with when you’re free. Like you are with Kelly, and Nick. They care for you, no matter how much they deny it. I do too, so why can’t I be to you like they are?” Steve explained, becoming slightly annoyed, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much attracted to you. But, I’m happy to just be a friend for you. Unlike any other woman I’ve ever known, it’d be enough for me.”
Again, Steve paused, hoping Gia would respond. He was wrong.
“So…” he said, again pausing in a last chance for Gia to but in, “What d’ya say?”
“No,” she answered curtly.
“No? Just no! I’m laying my feelings out here for you and you just say no?”
“You’re not capable of that relationship with a woman. Not with any woman, and especially not with me.”
Steve put his head in his hands, mainly to muffle the sounds of him yelling into his palms. Then his face contorted to a sneer and looking up at Gia, he said, “Why the hell did you come, anyway? It’s obvious that nothing I’m going to say is going to convince you to even the tiniest degree of my good intentions, so why come?”
“Oh, I could tell you that, but….”
“But what?” Steve said. Gia pointed behind him, and he turned his head.
Evelyn and Gothic Rose sneered back at him.
“I think they can explain so much better than me,” Gia said, smiling for the first time that night.
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