Part 6. I'm on an updating roll atm!
Amy’s POV- ‘And I know that I should let go but I can’t’
I come out of the exam with the beginnings of a headache thinking about synagogues and Rabbis and cursing my RS teacher for predicting all the wrong things. Not one topic he’d guessed would come up was on the paper. “I’ll see you later then.” Becky says, turning right at the gates.
“Yeah see you.” I reply and turn left. Stood there looking extremely frightened are Gerard and Frank.
“It was his idea.” Frank says when my face fails to light up at the sight of them. I grimace as this statement reminds me of him passing the blame over the bet.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, looking up and down the busy road out side of school in the hopes that I’ll be able to cross some time this century.
“Thought we’d walk you home. I wanted to apologise.” Gerard answers. “I am sorry you know. For everything. For making the bet and for making such a scene about it.”
“At least you told me.” I answer him once we’ve safely crossed the road. Somehow I’ve ended up stood between the two guys and I feel short.
“If I was having a better day I’d have told you in a nicer way than that though.” He explains even though I’d just about figured that out for myself.
“I don’t suppose either of you know the order of service for a Jewish circumcision do you?” I ask. They both choke then shake their heads frantically as if I’d just threatened them. It hadn’t meant to sound like that, I was just letting my post-exam worries spill out of my mouth.
“I know you haven’t completely forgiven me yet but you sort of have so please forgive Gerard because he did less wrong than me. And what he did wrong usually had a good excuse behind it.”
“Ok Frank. I forgive him.” I reply, even though I think he did worse than you, but I’m not going to tell you that.
“What?” I ask impatiently. I really needed to wee after an hour and a half exam and walking with them two was slowing me down.
“Do you think maybe you could watch a movie with us tonight? You can sit on the opposite side of the room from us and we won’t talk to you if you don’t want us to…” Frank trails off as if heartbroken by the thought of me not wanting to speak to him.
“Everyone misses you, especially Charli.” Gerard takes over from Frank.
“I still see Charli.” I point out.
“But not all of us as a group. It’s different.” Frank reiterates.
“Fine. I’ll watch a film with you guys, but I really need to revise science too.”
“Field Mice Attack and all that jazz?” Gerard asks.
“Hey that’s my rhyme!” I say, startled out of my cool.
“Frank taught me it.”
“Ditched me for another study buddy?” I ask Frank feeling oddly jealous at the thought of him learning science off someone who wasn’t me.
“You did hate me to be fair.”
“I didn’t hate you.”
“It’s what you said.”
“Well I’m sorry then.” The apology spills out of my mouth before I think about it. This would be so much easier if I never became friends with them again. It would be so easy to slip back to old times and pretend it was all perfect but I don’t want to. It wouldn’t be real.
We reach my house. I let us all in and run up to the toilet. Bob’s in the living room with Mikey and Charli and a lot of revision notes. Gerard and Frank go and join them as I relieve my bladder and put ordinary clothes on. I make my way back downstairs and head for the living room feeling apprehensive all of a sudden. Like I hadn’t gate crashed a million and one movie nights, and I’d even been invited this time…
Somehow I end up sat between Charli and Frank on the sofa. The unavoidable bodily contact with Frank due to the lack of space has my skin on fire. I’m trying to figure out whether it was a good or bad fire when Bob asks me what film I want to watch.
It was an honour and I recognise it. I also realise that now I’d be expected to hang out with them all as a group more often and that idea scared me a little.
“Erm… The Lost Boys?” I say with a sheepish grin, it was a corny film but I loved it. Soon we’re all sat watching the film and laughing at all the really bad hairstyles. The others concentrate pretty hard on the film but I let my mind wander, I’d watched this film a million and one times so I can pick it up anywhere… I wonder how people can possibly fall in love in film like situations. In any horror movie you get a guy and a girl, and in between almost being murdered, discovering some terrible hidden secrets about each others past’s and almost being killed again they manage to fall in love. They make it look so easy. They make it seem so simple. As if when the cameras stop rolling everything will be perfect and they won’t have to worry about affairs and angry slaps and tears.
Frank shifts slightly and momentarily increases the bodily contact that is already grabbing most of my attention. I desperately hold back a gasp. This is not happening. When I hugged him he’d smelt of vodka and cigarettes and pot and sex. He wasn’t /safe/. He wasn’t mine anymore. I don’t want him to be mine anymore. The film ends and I make my swift exit. I know I’ve disappointed everyone by not sticking around longer but to be fair if they want me that badly they just have to walk up a flight of stairs and knock on my door but they won’t. They never do.
I know I should be revising for science but my thoughts are so scrambled over Frank and my brain frazzled by the RS exam so instead I lay on my bed, close my eyes and think. I let memories and feelings and fantasies wash over me.
Do I really forgive Gerard and Frank? I suppose so, no matter how reluctantly.
Do I want to be friends with them again? Part of me does. The other part wants to stay with Tom and the security he holds because I will have to choose again in the end. It was inevitable.
Do I want to be more than just friends with Frank? Honestly… I don’t know. I’m attracted to him physically. Emotionally… it’s complicated.
Does he really love me?... How could he?
Frank’s POV- ‘Cause tonight I know I’ll miss you, and tomorrow it’ll be the same. Just please tell me you still know my name’
I sit in my room with my guitar tucked under my arm like an extension of my body and a science text book open in front of me. I stare at the words remembering how they’d sounded coming from Amy’s mouth. How she’d taken the time to explain things to me that came naturally to her.
I pluck out random chords. Warming my fingers up even though they didn’t need familiarising with my guitar anymore than I needed reminding of the exact shape of Amy’s lips. God knows I look at them enough for them to be imprinted on my memory forever.
Sometimes I wonder if I just kiss her maybe she’ll completely drop the mask and we could be Ok again. Maybe it would reconnect me to her emotions. Then again maybe she’ll slap me.
It was hell today, sitting next to her through that movie. I could feel burning desire leaving my body in waves. I was almost glad when she left to revise. Then I realised that there was now a gaping hole left where she’d been sat that went far deeper than the empty seat that Mikey soon claims. It’s a hole deep down inside of me that up until now I’ve tried desperately to fill with drugs and booze and sex.
I give up on my books and fiddle around on the guitar. Letting myself pour my heart out through the stringed extension of my soul. Maybe I could write something for her and play it to her? No. Too sappy. Anyway as much as she says she has forgiven me she didn’t say two words to me once we were in her front room. The only time I saw her smile was when Tom text her to ask how the exam went and some other stuff I didn’t have the stomach to read. I never asked her how it went. Maybe I should text her. Maybe she’ll smile in the dark to her phone before slipping back into her façade and replying with an icy cold ‘Fine’.
I contemplate a moment longer before deciding it’s too late. The moment came and passed while I walked her home. I was too wrapped up in myself to see it present itself then and now I’ve missed it.
I still miss her. So badly. Now I know I have her a s sort of friend it’s not so bad. It still sucks though.
Strumming out a simple rhythm I hum to myself a slow melody. Making up words in my head but never daring to speak them aloud.
Sometimes I love you more than life itself .
A minor, D major, G major, C.
A mirror reflecting a boy I used to know so well .
A minor, D minor, G major, F transgression, E minor, C…
/And I hope you know I love you
I hope you’re not sickened by the thought.
Every passing moment here without you,
Leaves me lying wasted on the floor/ .
If I could ask her to do one thing it would be to remember me as I was before she left me. I finally know that the real me was the boy I was around her. I wish I could bring him back.