Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 43
“OH MY GOD! THAT IS FUCKING SICK, MAN!” Steve shouted out at the television, “That three headed dude just tore off that chick’s face!”
“And you thought you were sated by fucking watching Snakes on a Plane. I tell you, man, you haven’t lived until you’ve enjoyed Hong Kong Category Three Horror films,” Nick said.
“But, I thought this was porn. I mean it started out that way.”
“Oh, it’s both,” Nick said with a grin.
“Seriously, man, get some fucking help,” Steve said, “I worry about you.”
“You think this is leading me astray? Wait till I show you the Japanese shit! You’ll feel like you need to go to confession, I don’t care whether or not you’re Catholic.”
“Please don’t tell me you brought any of that Japanese stuff here.”
Nick faked a look of shock, “How can you even ask that? Of course I’ve brought the weird Japanese stuff here. It’s next on the play-list.”
Steve groaned and went into his kitchen to get a drink, “Look, mate, I appreciate you coming to cheer me up and everything, especially on one of the nights that Tristan’s not here to do that job, but really, it’s going to take more than Chinese lesbian ghosts, and three headed demon monsters to help me now. I really need some time alone.”
“Nonsense. You need to get out at the clubs again. I mean, I’m sure it’s time for the debutante’s to come out soon-that’s your second favourite time of the year,” Nick said, “Tell you what. We’ll go out at the end of this film. You’ll get to have sex again, and I’ll get to piss off a bunch of Goths. We’ll all be happy.”
“No, man, you’ve got me all wrong,” Steve said, joining Nick back on the couch, “You think I’m still that sleazy guy focused on sex.”
Nick pointed to the television, “We just watched three ghostly sisters repeatedly seduce a shy and retiring scholar. I think I can be forgiven over any such assumptions.”
“Point taken, but still, the change Gia made in me, it’s permanent. I don’t want a warm bed and a warm body anymore. I want a person to live with, not just sex,” Steve said, “And even if Gia, despite everything, won’t see me as that person, then I’ll have to find someone else like her to fit this gap in my life.”
“That doesn’t stop us from going to a club. I mean, they’re so packed with people, by average alone one of them must fit the bill.”
“Oh come on, Nick, you don’t honestly believe that,” Steve said, “You think any club would have any person I’d want to settle down with?”
“Okay, maybe not. But to be fair, I can’t be sure. Every time we go to a club I manage to scare off all the shy and retiring girls, who would be absolutely the right sort for you. So, maybe if I restrain myself, you can still succeed at a club.”
“No, I kinda like you going crazy. It makes a challenge,” Steve said smiling, “After this movie is done, maybe you could home though, and I’ll get an early night.”
“Fine. If you’re certain you don’t want to hit a club?”
“I’m certain.”
“Or the internet. Lot of desperate people on the internet. And this tragic romantic aspect, it’s sure to raise your Hot or Not rating up from 2.8 to at least 3,” Nick suggested.
“No. I think I just need to sleep for a while,” Steve said.
“Fine, Mr. 2.8.”
“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Hey, I got a 5.1 and I was discouraging people from voting for me,” Nick said, “But seriously, the movie’s done soon. Then I’ll head off. In the meantime, try and enjoy this film. It’s a cult classic.”
At that point the doorbell rang. Steve moved to get up.
“No, I’ll get it. You enjoy the porn,” Nick said, getting up, “I was going to head off anyway.”
“But the film hasn’t finished yet.”
“The Taoist priest saves the day, and teaches the lesbian ghosts the importance of the Dao in reaching reincarnation,” Nick said, walking to the door, “And besides, when you’re in these moods you’re one glum fucker, and so both you and I would prefer it if you were left on your own.”
Nick opened the door to see Gia waiting at the doorstop.
“Hi,” she said.
“Oh, hello. Look who’s here, Steve, it’s Gia,” Nick said with surprise in his voice, calling back to the lounge room.
Steve jumped to alertness, then, realising what was playing on the tv, tried in vain to find the remote to switch it off.
“Oh, don’t bother, Steve, she’s seen it all before,” Nick said, “Specifically she’s seen this film more than once.”
“Chinese Erotic Ghost Story?” Gia asked, walking in.
“The one and only,” Nick said, leading her into the living room.
Steve gave up trying to find the remote, instead pulling the plug from the wall.
“It would have been easier just to switch it off manually you know,” Nick said.
Steve didn’t answer, just looking at Gia. Gia returned the look.
“You know, now you’ve reset your clock, lost anything you had on the VCR timer and-“ Nick continued, “Neither of you are listening to what I’m saying, are you?”
Still no response.
“Well, I guess I’ll just fuck off home then, shall I? Gia, you’ve got your rape whistle just in case? Good, good, good. Anyway, see you both soon,” Nick said, leaving before any response could be uttered.
“OH MY GOD! THAT IS FUCKING SICK, MAN!” Steve shouted out at the television, “That three headed dude just tore off that chick’s face!”
“And you thought you were sated by fucking watching Snakes on a Plane. I tell you, man, you haven’t lived until you’ve enjoyed Hong Kong Category Three Horror films,” Nick said.
“But, I thought this was porn. I mean it started out that way.”
“Oh, it’s both,” Nick said with a grin.
“Seriously, man, get some fucking help,” Steve said, “I worry about you.”
“You think this is leading me astray? Wait till I show you the Japanese shit! You’ll feel like you need to go to confession, I don’t care whether or not you’re Catholic.”
“Please don’t tell me you brought any of that Japanese stuff here.”
Nick faked a look of shock, “How can you even ask that? Of course I’ve brought the weird Japanese stuff here. It’s next on the play-list.”
Steve groaned and went into his kitchen to get a drink, “Look, mate, I appreciate you coming to cheer me up and everything, especially on one of the nights that Tristan’s not here to do that job, but really, it’s going to take more than Chinese lesbian ghosts, and three headed demon monsters to help me now. I really need some time alone.”
“Nonsense. You need to get out at the clubs again. I mean, I’m sure it’s time for the debutante’s to come out soon-that’s your second favourite time of the year,” Nick said, “Tell you what. We’ll go out at the end of this film. You’ll get to have sex again, and I’ll get to piss off a bunch of Goths. We’ll all be happy.”
“No, man, you’ve got me all wrong,” Steve said, joining Nick back on the couch, “You think I’m still that sleazy guy focused on sex.”
Nick pointed to the television, “We just watched three ghostly sisters repeatedly seduce a shy and retiring scholar. I think I can be forgiven over any such assumptions.”
“Point taken, but still, the change Gia made in me, it’s permanent. I don’t want a warm bed and a warm body anymore. I want a person to live with, not just sex,” Steve said, “And even if Gia, despite everything, won’t see me as that person, then I’ll have to find someone else like her to fit this gap in my life.”
“That doesn’t stop us from going to a club. I mean, they’re so packed with people, by average alone one of them must fit the bill.”
“Oh come on, Nick, you don’t honestly believe that,” Steve said, “You think any club would have any person I’d want to settle down with?”
“Okay, maybe not. But to be fair, I can’t be sure. Every time we go to a club I manage to scare off all the shy and retiring girls, who would be absolutely the right sort for you. So, maybe if I restrain myself, you can still succeed at a club.”
“No, I kinda like you going crazy. It makes a challenge,” Steve said smiling, “After this movie is done, maybe you could home though, and I’ll get an early night.”
“Fine. If you’re certain you don’t want to hit a club?”
“I’m certain.”
“Or the internet. Lot of desperate people on the internet. And this tragic romantic aspect, it’s sure to raise your Hot or Not rating up from 2.8 to at least 3,” Nick suggested.
“No. I think I just need to sleep for a while,” Steve said.
“Fine, Mr. 2.8.”
“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Hey, I got a 5.1 and I was discouraging people from voting for me,” Nick said, “But seriously, the movie’s done soon. Then I’ll head off. In the meantime, try and enjoy this film. It’s a cult classic.”
At that point the doorbell rang. Steve moved to get up.
“No, I’ll get it. You enjoy the porn,” Nick said, getting up, “I was going to head off anyway.”
“But the film hasn’t finished yet.”
“The Taoist priest saves the day, and teaches the lesbian ghosts the importance of the Dao in reaching reincarnation,” Nick said, walking to the door, “And besides, when you’re in these moods you’re one glum fucker, and so both you and I would prefer it if you were left on your own.”
Nick opened the door to see Gia waiting at the doorstop.
“Hi,” she said.
“Oh, hello. Look who’s here, Steve, it’s Gia,” Nick said with surprise in his voice, calling back to the lounge room.
Steve jumped to alertness, then, realising what was playing on the tv, tried in vain to find the remote to switch it off.
“Oh, don’t bother, Steve, she’s seen it all before,” Nick said, “Specifically she’s seen this film more than once.”
“Chinese Erotic Ghost Story?” Gia asked, walking in.
“The one and only,” Nick said, leading her into the living room.
Steve gave up trying to find the remote, instead pulling the plug from the wall.
“It would have been easier just to switch it off manually you know,” Nick said.
Steve didn’t answer, just looking at Gia. Gia returned the look.
“You know, now you’ve reset your clock, lost anything you had on the VCR timer and-“ Nick continued, “Neither of you are listening to what I’m saying, are you?”
Still no response.
“Well, I guess I’ll just fuck off home then, shall I? Gia, you’ve got your rape whistle just in case? Good, good, good. Anyway, see you both soon,” Nick said, leaving before any response could be uttered.
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