A/N: I Own none of this. No Potters here move along.
Last time on The Power He has Not:
The Daily Prophet:
"I'm not printing this. It would be insanity."
"Mr. Titus, this is my public statement to Voldemort. It is news. You are supposedly the editor of a News Paper."
"It isn't going to happen Mr. Potter."
"I believe it is Mr. Titus." He handed the older man afile. "These documents will tell you that I have just yesterday, in conjunction with Gringotts, acquired a controlling interest in the Prophet. Either you print this, exactly as I have written it, or I will be hiring someone who will. I am a very good friend of Luna Lovegood; I don't believe it would take her long to talk him into stepping into your shoes to run this paper."
"You can't do this. I've been the editor of this paper for 20 years."
"And in those 20 years, published stories that alternatively lionized me, and drug me through the mud. You should not annoy people with the capability of buying your job out from under you. Just this once, the Daily Prophet will tell the story I want told, and tell it the way I want to tell it." He took a scrap of parchment and made a quick note. "This is your banner headline tomorrow. Disappoint me and you will be lucky to be judging Witch Weekly's Best Smile contest."
Harry Potter and the Power He Has Not.
Chapter 32 - Challenge
The Daily Prophet:
BOY WHO LIVED: Voldemort is a Coward
Says to Dark Lord: Your days are Numbered! I Kill YOU on the 25th
Diagon Alley - London
In an unprecedented interview, Harry Potter, also known as "The Chosen One" has issues a challenge to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. These words are those of Harry Potter and in no way reflects the views or opinions of the staff of the Daily Prophet.
Tom, you gutless coward. Are you ready to quit hiding behind your Death Eaters and face me like a man? It is well reported that through the abject cowardice that has marked your entire life, rather than face me in battle you spinelessly used the Imperius curse on a defenseless muggle to attack me, to rob me of my magic. Fine, one point to He-Who-Hides-Behind-Women. I challenge you, you coward to meet me at the gates of Hogwarts (outside the wards so that you don't soil yourself in fear) on the 25th of May this year. (I have to specify THIS year so you don't fail to show up don't I Tom, how sad is that?) We can end this once and for all, face to face like men. You remember Men don't you Tom?
Bring your Death Eaters. Bring all of them. When I've warmed up on you, I could use the work out. I'm going to beat you so badly, your mother, who killed herself in order to avoid you, will feel it. Bring your Dementors. They don't run away like you and your Death Eaters, so at least I'll have a challenge. Bring your Werewolves. I like killing werewolves almost as much as I like killing Death Eaters. I'm coming for you Tom. You had best show up, you don't know what I'll do to you if I have to come looking.
I know what you're thinking Tom, kidnap my friends and hide behind them. You are just so pusillanimous that you're likely to do just that. You disgust me. It won't matter if you do, no matter who or what you hide behind, I'm going to kill you.
And don't claim this isn't about you Tom Marvolo Riddle. Do not hide behind that stupid anagram "I am Lord Voldemort'. Seriously how stupid is that? How old were you when you decided that was cool? Six? Oh hey look, I can do anagrams too. Call me: Pyjamas The Terror. Yeah, Pyjamas The Terror is at least 20 times cooler that 'Lord Voldemort' and it doesn't lead to nicknames like Moldyshorts.
Just so I'm clear, I'm coming for you Tom Riddle. I am giving you until the 25th of May at 1p.m. (I prefer to do my killing after lunch) to get your affairs in order, and to dredge up the testicular fortitude to face me. You'll disappoint me as usual. We've faced each other what? 5 times. And each time you ran screaming like a little girl. Come on Tom, have you got what it takes?
Last warning: If you pull your usual crap and send a herd of your 'Death Eaters' (and don't get me started on that stupid name) then I'll kill them and come looking for you Tommy. That would make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Yours in eternal hostility;
Pyjamas The Terror. AKA Harry Potter
Harry Potter to face Voldemort in Personal Combat
By Luna Lovegood staff reporter
Hogwarts, Scotland.-It is announced to day by this reporter that Harry Potter, also known as The-Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, Pyjamas The Terror, He-Who-Picks-The-Rasins-From-His-Rasin-Toast, and My Boyfriend and Lover's Best Friend will be challenging Tom Marvolo Riddle AKA Lord Voldemort, He-who-must-not-be-named, You-Know-Who, The Dark Wanker, MoldyShorts, and Snickerdoodle (the last only used by Bellatrix Lestrange during intimate moments) to personal combat, just off the grounds of Hogwarts on the 25th of May.
The Battle will include Death Eaters, Dementors, Werewolves, and Nargles, though the Nargles will not be noticed in the mayhem. There will much carnage, many explosions, a sprinkling of a muggle invention called 'roofing Nails', and most unfortunately, Miss Lavender Brown's hair style will be ruined.
On the fashion front, the Death Eaters will of course be dressed in their drab all black robes with optional white masks. You-Know-Who will be in a flowing black robe that covers him from head to toe, not allowing this reported to confirm or deny the rumours of his exceptionally small genitalia, although confirmation of that rumour would go along way in explaining that whole 'take over the world' fixation. Might someone be compensating for something? Pyjamas the Terror will be wearing a fetching suit of Goblin chain mail, which will accentuate his bum. As nine out of 10 girls at Hogwarts will tell you, his bum is his best feature, and this Reporter is please to tell you that the effect of the Goblin mail will render it 'tasty'.
Harry will of course win, unless he doesn't in which case this reporter will be quite vexed with him.
London to Glasgow:
Harry put the Prophet away. Just as he wanted. Too bad he hadn't found a thesaurus, he wanted to call Tom a Coward a couple more times in different ways.
The Quibbler on the other hand perplexed him. How the hell did Luna find out any of that stuff? He hadn't told her. He hadn't told anyone outside of Gringotts. She even knew what he was wearing. WHAT? My bum is 'tasty'? Why am I just finding this out now?
Pyjamas the Terror. That was growing on him...
Riddle sat on his throne the smell of the destroyed body of the Death Eater who brought the articles to his attention still hung in the air. So Potter is challenging me. We will see who is the coward.
"Bellatrix, arrange to have all or my Death Eaters at Hogsmeade on the morning of the 25th."
"Of Course My Lord"
Riddle returned his attention to the papers. The Quibbler confused him more than angered. How had this Lovegood discovered Bellatrix's pet name for him? And what is this about 'exceptionally small genitalia? He had never received complaints.
"Bellatrix. Are my bits small?" Riddle asked, casting aquick crucio at the guard who dared laugh.
"Of course not My Lord."
"I didn't think so." Back to the story. Wait a minute; Potter's bum was 'tasty'?