Categories > Original > Humor > Five Minute Soap Dish
Week 50
Kelly put down the phone, as her and Nick’s meals arrived. She nodded, and Nick groaned.
“It’s bad!”
“Terrible.”
“Worse than bad and terrible combined…like a bad and terrible lovechild!” Nick agreed, “For one thing, it’s so clichéd. The four friends, two male, and two female. One male and one female get together, leaving you and me as the supporting cast.”
“Like a bad romantic comedy,” Kelly said.
“We’d probably be played by two people you see in everything, but you can’t actually name. And neither can anyone else. So while the Steve and Gia’s of this world use the publicity to go onto better, Oscar winning roles, we get stuck in these bit parts forever and ever and-“
“Nick, you’re rambling,” Kelly said.
“Sorry. But you agree with me.”
“Yeah, but for different reasons. I mean, how on earth are those two going to be fun anymore?”
“I know, I know. They’ll be doing couples things. No more clubbing for you-it’ll be dinners for two from now on, no doubt. Favourite movies that they’ll always want to watch together. There’ll be no more lads movie nights, that’s for sure.”
“Probably come up with cute nicknames for each other,” Kelly wrenched, “Stevie Wonder, and Darling Gia. Cur-cur and Monkey Butter. Snoopy and Van-Van. Or Sappho and Lady Agatha.”
Nick was confused, “Where the hell did you get those from?”
“I don’t know. Just felt right, at that moment,” Kelly explained, equally confused, “Less right now.”
“Oookay,” Nick said, eager to get back on topic, “Gia I could handle in a relationship, but Steve! He’s only interesting character trait is that he’s an arsehole to women. If he becomes a romantic-my interest is gone. I’ll have to be an arsehole, and goddamn, I can’t be mean in a selfish way. I’ve tried, and failed.”
“Quite frankly, you as an arsehole isn’t that hard for me to visualise,” Kelly said, preventing Nick from getting mad by adding, “From an outsider’s point of view, you understand.”
“Okay, go on.”
“But, more importantly, Steve was a man-whore. Different bed each night. Partners were for sex and nothing more. I was the serial monogamist. I may have had a few partners in my time, but they were always joined with me by a deep emotional connection.”
“Sometimes, this commitment would up to as long as thirty seconds.”
“Exactly. I always used Steve to compare myself against. If I wasn’t like him, I wasn’t a whore. But if he’s settled down, who am I going to compare myself against? Not Gia, she’s only been in long term relationships. You?”
“Don’t think so,” Nick said, “Everyone’s a whore compared to me.”
“And worst of all,” Kelly finalised, “Now everyone will think that we’ll be getting together.”
“No!” Nick shouted, embarrassing himself.
“It’s like you said-with the romantic comedies. In a group with two males, and two females, if one male ends up with one female, the other two soon couple up,” Kelly explained.
“That’s ridiculous. It’s never going to happen between us.”
“Of course not,” Kelly agreed, “I mean, ewwww!”
“Exac-what?”
“No…I mean, just no. Never, not in a million years, no. It’s just wrong.”
“Getting a little offended there now, Kelly.”
“I mean, it’s disgusting. What sort of unartistic pathetic waste of space, trying in vain to call him or herself a writer would force such a perversion on me?” Kelly continued, ignoring Nick, “And what sort of easily pleased audience would want to read it?”
“Getting very offended now, Kelly.”
Kelly laid a reassuring hand on Nick’s arm, “Oh, don’t take it so personally, Nick.”
“Don’t take it personally? Don’t take the fact that you just said the idea of dating me was beyond disgust to you as personal?”
Kelly was taken aback, “I thought you felt the same way.”
“I do, but I’d prefer it that the fact we’ll never ever in a million years have a relationship be due to many mutual incompatibilities between us, rather than some disgusting feature of mine.”
“But that wouldn’t be true,” Kelly said, with only the slight intonation of sarcasm, “I mean, I’ve dated many guys who have been absolute incompatible with me, but stayed with them merely on looks alone. Now if I say I’m not dating you because of differences, just to keep your fragile masculine ego feeling like its in control, I’ll have to limit who I see in future. And I just can’t do that. All right?”
Nick wanted to argue, but Kelly said it with too much seriousness for him to say anything other than “All right.”
“So, it’s clear then? We’ll definitely not be getting together, and no hard feelings on us telling the other exactly why we feel this way?” Kelly asked.
“Certainly. We’re all fine.”
“Good.”
There was a pause, with Nick idly tapping his fingers on the table before saying, “But now that you mention it, fuck you Kelly. You’re a whore who I wouldn’t sleep with, even if promised all the antibiotics in the world following the act. Quite frankly, just thinking of the act makes me want a chemical shower.”
Kelly was enraged, “You-“
“And now we’re done!” Nick said with a smile, holding up a finger to silence Kelly.
Kelly thought about letting it go, about not reacting violently and setting a scene in such a public place, and let the small amusements amuse Nick’s small mind. Ultimately she rejected this idea, and slightly bruised her fist in the process.
*******************
Author’s Note
That’s it. It’s finally over! After 50 weeks of me regularly going online to post the newest chapter, complicated further by me starting when I was travelling, I now have one less reason to go to the internet café each Sunday.
Thanks goes to everyone who read this, reviewed this, and mentioned it to friends. It makes it all worthwhile. I didn’t think anyone would read this once I started-Hell, I never thought I’d be bothered continuing it for the whole year.
So what did we all think of the ending? For those who want me to continue, drop me a line as I’ve some ideas for a second year. And for all those who wish dearly for me to stop writing altogether, as even if I stop this, I’ll still be doing other stories, the future looks very bleak indeed.
Kelly put down the phone, as her and Nick’s meals arrived. She nodded, and Nick groaned.
“It’s bad!”
“Terrible.”
“Worse than bad and terrible combined…like a bad and terrible lovechild!” Nick agreed, “For one thing, it’s so clichéd. The four friends, two male, and two female. One male and one female get together, leaving you and me as the supporting cast.”
“Like a bad romantic comedy,” Kelly said.
“We’d probably be played by two people you see in everything, but you can’t actually name. And neither can anyone else. So while the Steve and Gia’s of this world use the publicity to go onto better, Oscar winning roles, we get stuck in these bit parts forever and ever and-“
“Nick, you’re rambling,” Kelly said.
“Sorry. But you agree with me.”
“Yeah, but for different reasons. I mean, how on earth are those two going to be fun anymore?”
“I know, I know. They’ll be doing couples things. No more clubbing for you-it’ll be dinners for two from now on, no doubt. Favourite movies that they’ll always want to watch together. There’ll be no more lads movie nights, that’s for sure.”
“Probably come up with cute nicknames for each other,” Kelly wrenched, “Stevie Wonder, and Darling Gia. Cur-cur and Monkey Butter. Snoopy and Van-Van. Or Sappho and Lady Agatha.”
Nick was confused, “Where the hell did you get those from?”
“I don’t know. Just felt right, at that moment,” Kelly explained, equally confused, “Less right now.”
“Oookay,” Nick said, eager to get back on topic, “Gia I could handle in a relationship, but Steve! He’s only interesting character trait is that he’s an arsehole to women. If he becomes a romantic-my interest is gone. I’ll have to be an arsehole, and goddamn, I can’t be mean in a selfish way. I’ve tried, and failed.”
“Quite frankly, you as an arsehole isn’t that hard for me to visualise,” Kelly said, preventing Nick from getting mad by adding, “From an outsider’s point of view, you understand.”
“Okay, go on.”
“But, more importantly, Steve was a man-whore. Different bed each night. Partners were for sex and nothing more. I was the serial monogamist. I may have had a few partners in my time, but they were always joined with me by a deep emotional connection.”
“Sometimes, this commitment would up to as long as thirty seconds.”
“Exactly. I always used Steve to compare myself against. If I wasn’t like him, I wasn’t a whore. But if he’s settled down, who am I going to compare myself against? Not Gia, she’s only been in long term relationships. You?”
“Don’t think so,” Nick said, “Everyone’s a whore compared to me.”
“And worst of all,” Kelly finalised, “Now everyone will think that we’ll be getting together.”
“No!” Nick shouted, embarrassing himself.
“It’s like you said-with the romantic comedies. In a group with two males, and two females, if one male ends up with one female, the other two soon couple up,” Kelly explained.
“That’s ridiculous. It’s never going to happen between us.”
“Of course not,” Kelly agreed, “I mean, ewwww!”
“Exac-what?”
“No…I mean, just no. Never, not in a million years, no. It’s just wrong.”
“Getting a little offended there now, Kelly.”
“I mean, it’s disgusting. What sort of unartistic pathetic waste of space, trying in vain to call him or herself a writer would force such a perversion on me?” Kelly continued, ignoring Nick, “And what sort of easily pleased audience would want to read it?”
“Getting very offended now, Kelly.”
Kelly laid a reassuring hand on Nick’s arm, “Oh, don’t take it so personally, Nick.”
“Don’t take it personally? Don’t take the fact that you just said the idea of dating me was beyond disgust to you as personal?”
Kelly was taken aback, “I thought you felt the same way.”
“I do, but I’d prefer it that the fact we’ll never ever in a million years have a relationship be due to many mutual incompatibilities between us, rather than some disgusting feature of mine.”
“But that wouldn’t be true,” Kelly said, with only the slight intonation of sarcasm, “I mean, I’ve dated many guys who have been absolute incompatible with me, but stayed with them merely on looks alone. Now if I say I’m not dating you because of differences, just to keep your fragile masculine ego feeling like its in control, I’ll have to limit who I see in future. And I just can’t do that. All right?”
Nick wanted to argue, but Kelly said it with too much seriousness for him to say anything other than “All right.”
“So, it’s clear then? We’ll definitely not be getting together, and no hard feelings on us telling the other exactly why we feel this way?” Kelly asked.
“Certainly. We’re all fine.”
“Good.”
There was a pause, with Nick idly tapping his fingers on the table before saying, “But now that you mention it, fuck you Kelly. You’re a whore who I wouldn’t sleep with, even if promised all the antibiotics in the world following the act. Quite frankly, just thinking of the act makes me want a chemical shower.”
Kelly was enraged, “You-“
“And now we’re done!” Nick said with a smile, holding up a finger to silence Kelly.
Kelly thought about letting it go, about not reacting violently and setting a scene in such a public place, and let the small amusements amuse Nick’s small mind. Ultimately she rejected this idea, and slightly bruised her fist in the process.
*******************
Author’s Note
That’s it. It’s finally over! After 50 weeks of me regularly going online to post the newest chapter, complicated further by me starting when I was travelling, I now have one less reason to go to the internet café each Sunday.
Thanks goes to everyone who read this, reviewed this, and mentioned it to friends. It makes it all worthwhile. I didn’t think anyone would read this once I started-Hell, I never thought I’d be bothered continuing it for the whole year.
So what did we all think of the ending? For those who want me to continue, drop me a line as I’ve some ideas for a second year. And for all those who wish dearly for me to stop writing altogether, as even if I stop this, I’ll still be doing other stories, the future looks very bleak indeed.
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