That I can't make you stay But where's your heart? And I know There's nothing I can say To change that part
I laid there for a while on my back, staring up at the blue sky, they were so bright it hurt my eyes..
How could they be so bright? Didn't they hear that my world came crashing down on me last night? Or maybe they simply didn't care...And why would they? Today was probably the happiest day is someone's life, someone's getting married, someone celebrating their 10th birthday hoping to get the red bicycle they asked their grandma and someone just fell in love for the first life, and all these people deserved a beautiful day with bright sky and cloudless...But what about these who feels like they insides crumbled and died? These who got their heart torn and ripped apart, these who cried themselves to sleep last night? Does nature just ignores them?
Figures...Not even mother earth cares about the beaten, the broken and the damned...
I got up slowly and rested my face in my palms, hoping everything would stop spinning so fast, where the fuck did I come to?
Spending the night in the fucking bushes, how pathetic can I get? No, I gotta be stronger then this, I gotta hold everything together.
Thank god this is about to come to an end, another 2 weeks and I can go to my apartment and to normal life.
But how normal would my life would be without Gerard, my heart was about to explode, no Gerard...What would I do without him?
I didn't want to think of life without him, it cause my lungs to refuse to work.
This divorce will change my entire life but isn't it what they say about divorces?
This is not how it was supposed to end...Not like this...Not with hate...Not with a divorce...We were supposed to grow old together and die together...What went wrong?...Gerard went wrong!...How could he?!...Doesn't he know it's not how it was supposed to be?....It wasn't in any of my plans of the future!...Why do I have to relive my parents lives?! Divorced, unhappy, bitter, evil, cruel...
Ughh I gotta push it to the back of my mind and lock it up if I want to manage through this day.
I can't go from angry to sad to I don't know what, I've been through worse and survived...Survived...That's what I've been doing...Not living but surviving...
I kicked the bottle of booze with anger, it coasted me Gerard who usually helped me back on my feet so I could keep surviving.
GAH! I hated him so much! He should've just let me go when I was 15 and not let him cure me with his warm hugs!
I stood up, my head was probably about to explode, everything was spinning so fast I stumbled a little and leaned in the bushes to throw up.
I felt a little better after throwing up.
I looked at my watch, it was 6 AM, luckily the buses weren't scheduled to pull out until something like 10 after breakfast, or I would be walking to the next destination.
I choose the deserted road to our bus, I had to change my clothes and brush my teeth and pack my shit, I just had to keep thinking about practical stuff and not my ex husband.
I was about to go around the corner and there he was, my soon to be ex fucking husband smoking and not breaking eye contact with the minibus door.
Why the fuck does he do this to me? Haven't I suffered enough?
I took a deep breathe and marched straight to the minibus without as much as glancing in his direction.
He didn't take the hint and as soon as my hand touched the handle I felt his hand close around my shoulder.
It's like by touching me he woke the evil me, my gut clenched in rage. He better be careful with what he says unless he wanna find himself in a fucking ditch! I plastered my evil glare and turned around, "What the fuck do you want now?".
He looked caught off guard, he probably expected me to be all I love you Gerard, we'll get you better sob sob.
But who can blame him for getting used to it, it was like this everytime we fought, all he needed to do for me to throw my arms around him was to say that he loved me. But this time it was different, not only did he hurt and upset me he also pissed me off beyond belief.
"You didn't spend the night here", his voice had an accusatory tone which annoyed me even more but then I kinda softened, "You spent the entire night out here?"
He nodded with a shy smile like he finally found away to break down my defences. Ugh manipulative cunning bitch!, "Kinda stupid of you considering I have nothing to say to you".
"You're talking now", he stated.
"What the fuck do you want?", I gritted my teeth.
"Where were you last night?"
Who he thought he was? My mother? Husband? A close person?, "None of your business".
"I'm your husband", he stated knowingly.
Ha!, "Until I find a good lawyer".
"I won't sign the fucking papers, Skyler", he smirked.
"Then I'll take you to court", my fist ached to wipe that smirk off his beautiful face.
"You can fucking try!", he raised his voice at me.
"I'll do anything to get rid of you", I crossed my arms on my chest.
"I will never let you go", he stepped closer in an attempt to intimidate me I guess, "I'll always be there, hunting you"
"Oooh spooky", I said dryly.
"where where you last night?", he demanded again.
"with Bruce", I moaned, "He can go all night long, so much better then you"
He shook his head, "Don't lie. I checked, you weren't with him".
I threw my hands in the air, "I can't believe you fucking spied on me"
"I told you I'll never let you go even if it means stalking you, so where were you?"
"Fuck off, Way", I turned around to go in the minibus when he spun me around, I got dizzy and stumbled into him a little, he used it to be my knight in Madonna tee and wrapped his arms around me, "You OK?"
"I'll be once I remove you from my life", I wriggled away from him.
"Why can't we just talk?", he sighed.
"We are talking", I leaned on the minibus, I literally felt drained.
"Not like this, Skyler, really talk", his shoulder hunched and he looked tired too, dark circles under his eyes that brought out his pallor even more.
"What's the difference?", I snapped. I wanted to run away, never see him again, never think of him again, forget about Gerard Way, wipe him off.
"Just talk not you biting my head off over each word", he took out his cigarette pack and lit one.
"OK you wanna talk? Let's fucking talk", I stuck my index finger in his chest, making him wince, "Let's start with you telling me why you lied to me"
"I never lied to you", he said softly.
"Right. OK", I laughed, "Let me rephrase it, why you forgot to mention you're on drugs?"
"What would you do if I told you", he kinda sniffled in his sleeve, I never noticed but he did that a lot, "Dump me earlier? Leave me to fucking die?"
"I'm not leaving you to die", I protested.
"Oh you're not?", he snickered, "The divorce is just for fun?"
"What you want me to do?", I exclaimed, "I don't know what to do. I can't live like this anymore"
"I tried to make you happy the only way I knew how", he blew the smoke against the wind.
"You're not my personal clown", I leaned my head against the minibus, "You're not supposed to make me happy, you're my husband"
"OK", he snapped, throwing his cigarette with anger, "OK, so hearing about my fucking depression would make you feel better? How I was so depressed I thought I'd die? That would make you happier? Or the fact that I have everything I ever wanted and I still want to hang myself...Feeling the joy, Skyler?".
"Don't blame your weakness on me, Gerard", my voice cracked a little as my brain started to process everything he just said, I tried to push it to the back of my head, "It's not my fault!"
"Not your fault?", he hissed, "Because I had to keep your little dream satisfied for years! I knew you'd leave the minute I show you who I really am! Because you're so much better then me! You don't try to drink yourself to shit! Oh no! You're fucking perfect!".
"This is not what it's about", I yelled, I felt so weak and dizzy, "I would've never left you".
"Oh really? Cause you're not leaving me to die alone now, right? You're divorcing me to prove a point", he didn't yell but his voice was deadly cold.
"What am I supposed to do? Drown with you?", I chocked on my own tears.
"Yes!", he cried out, "Cause I would do it for you! I'd die if you asked!"
"Well you should've known what a selfish bitch I am!", I sobbed, my heart was breaking to million pieces.
"I should've", he nodded, "I should've known I'll die alone! That you would leave me to die alone once I show you who I really am"
"You're not gonna die", I rubbed my tears away.
"I will", he said calmly, "I just wish I've died before you showed your true colors"
"Stop it!", I pushed him away, "Shut up! You can't hold me at gun point like this! Gerard!".
"I just knew it", he turned away from me a little, staring ahead, "I just knew you'd walk away someday, I did everything I could think of to keep you near me, I married you, I manipulated you cause I thought you didn't believe in divorce. You're right it's not all your fault, I kept my own fantasies too, of true love, of you", he turned to me, "I guess it's over now?"
I looked down, I needed time to think, I had to calm down, my head was buzzing, my heart was pounding, my legs felt like jelly, I can't do this right now. But Gerard took my silence as agreement, "Yeah OK. Just don't bother acting like you cared at my funeral".
I looked up to see his back walking away from me, he held his head high and his steps were confident. He turned around to look at me before turning a corner and disappeared.
Why was he doing this? Blaming me for everything? I didn't buy his coke for him and I didn't know he was on it...
The rage roared inside me again! Who the fuck does he think he is? Blaming me for his drug abuse like that?! He's a fucking coward! He can't even take responsibility for his own weaknesses!
Ugh! And threatening to kill himself if I divorced him! And how he wanted me to drown with him bullshitting me about true love? Who he thinks I am? Fucking Juliet?! Well wrong decade motherfucking Romeo!
He probably believed I was born yesterday if he thinks I was buying into all the motherfucking crap he was telling me...He'd die for me?! Don't make me laugh! He won't even cancel one fucking show to be with me in the hospital!
And that crap about him feeding my fantasies? Ha! I had no fantasies about him being perfect!
How could I be so blind to think he loved me? Or to think he was the only one for me! And manipulating me like that!? What a low life!
How could he use my childhood to tie me down like this? After everything I went through! How could he use that against me?!
How fucking dare he?!
At least something good came out of this, I discovered I was married to a low life coward bastard motherfucking bitch 6 months into the marriage and not 6 years.
The sickness overwhelmed me and I threw up right there on the spot.