I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
Fuck, these words still didn't connect, I broke up with Gerard.
I pushed it to the back of my mind as I took a drag, I just couldn't fall apart now, I still had a job to do.
I could see Pete standing with his back to me, he was far down the bus row, he was filming someone but I couldn't see who because of the angle the buses were parked in.
I was still pissed at him, he betrayed me in the worst possible way, I pushed that to the back of my mind too, I just have to stick it out, I took another drag while watching from the corner of my eye.
I pushed a lot of things to the back of my mind, pretty soon I'm gonna run out of space there and what then?
I kept watching Pete until the person he was filming came to view, it was Gerard. My whole posture changed and I stiffened.
Gerard was stumbling in the bushes and throwing in them it seems.
It broke my fucking heart, I tried to look away and push it to the back of my mind but I just couldn't.
He finally stood up, swaying on the spot, he looked around and said something to the camera, Pete laughed and told him something back.
They walked a few feet, Gerard was zigzagging and Pete was filming when Gerard collapsed.
I gasped, throwing down my cigarette and running to him, I stopped mid way there. We're not together anymore, I told myself.
So it's a reason to abandoned him? I answered myself, at the very least he's your childhood friend you selfish bitch.
I finally got to him after what seemed like eternity, he was mumbling something to the ground, the area was deserted so there was no fear that anyone's going to see him and their bus wasn't far so I could drag him there but first I had to eliminate Pete, "Turn the fucking camera off".
"Just doing my job, Skybaby", he smiled at me, adjusting the camera on his shoulder.
"Turn it off or I'll break it and then your neck", I hissed, crouching down next to Gerard, he was muttering to himself.
I turned him on his back, Pete got closer and filmed Gerard's close up.
Gerard smiled, "Do I look pretty?".
"You sure are, dude", Pete told him.
I felt like crying, I felt so helpless.
I looked up to see Frankie and Matt, the guitar tech rushing down the row of buses to where we were.
I glanced up at Frankie, he nodded at me like don't worry, everything's under control and along with Matt helped Gerard to his feet. They completely ignored Pete.
I stood up too, as Matt and Frankie were carrying Gerard off to the bus, Pete was still filming.
My gut clenched with hurt and sadness and hurt, "Please stop".
He didn't even acknowledge me.
"Sunshine!", Frankie stood still, waiting for me to catch up.
I looked at Pete and then at Frankie, Frankie motioned for me to come.
I sprinted to join them.
I waited outside while they unloaded Gerard, I took out my own first cigarette pack. I never owned one so I won't be tempted to smoke more then I should but now I held on to anything that would keep me in line.
I leaned on the bus and slide down to a sitting a position, taking a long drag and closing my eyes to arrange my emotions and stuff the ones that threatened to overwhelm me to the back of my mind.
The door opened and Matt walked out, he smiled and winked at me and walked away.
Five minutes after him, Frankie walked out and sat opposite me, he stared at me smoking and shook his head.
"What?", I frowned.
"My sunshine is smoking", he shrugged, "The health freak"
"People change", I took another drag.
He nodded and propped his chin on his elbow.
"Is he OK?", I muttered, avoiding his looks.
"Go see for yourself", Frankie said.
"You know I can't", I snapped and took another drag, my hands shook.
"Because you're a stubborn ass", Frankie grabbed my chin and twisted it so I could look at him ,"Go there, there's no one there and he's sleeping but don't sit here and shake and smoke yourself to shit".
My eyes welled with tears and I looked down so Frankie won't see but he did and he pulled me in a tight hug, "Go sunshine", he kissed the top of my head. It caught me by surprise, Frankie didn't kiss me since the 4th grade!
I climbed up the stairs and saw Gerard passed out on the sofa like I saw him so many times over the years.
They didn't even cover him up, he's usually cold after he wakes up after his drunken sleep. Boys.
I wandered to find a blanket and covered him.
I crouched next to him, stroking the hair out of his face, he was sweaty and smelled of booze and sweat, "You do know I love you?", I whispered, "So much it physically hurts", I took his hand in mine, it lay limp in mine, "I always did and I always will...OK Gee?", he gave my hand a gentle squeeze, I freaked out and ran out of there as fast as I could.
Frankie caught me as I ran out, "I just can't do it, Frankie, I can't!"
Frankie sighed like what is he gonna do with me and squeezed me closer.
"He'll die and I won't be able to take it", I sobbed, "I want out before it's not too late"