If you were here I'd never have a fear. So go on live your life. But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
I felt so bad these few days that I held on to everything, like I used to do when I was younger. If I menage to kick the stone past that line my mother would yell at me today, if Mikey says goodbye before they leave today then everything is gonna be fine.
And he did, he gave me a kiss! On both cheeks! And even a tiny smile!
So maybe I wasn't doomed after all.
I waved to Alessa when she got in the van and waved back, then Liz pulled her luggage into the van and walked up to me.
My jaw dropped when she hugged me.
"Umm", was all I capable of saying, I was shocked! I hoped that they were just dropping her off at her place.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of Gerard in Japan", she squealed happily.
"Japan?", I murmured.
Japan? As the place the guys were heading to? Like the country with all cool shit and strict dudes? Japan? Gerard's country?...Well it wasn't his but that's where he was going...
She nodded like a dog on the shield, "If you wanna we can give you a lift to the airport?"
WE?! WE who? We as in her and Gerard?! Liz and Gerard? Gerard and Liz? Elle and Gee?! Elizabeth and mr. Way?! We?!
I'd kill her!
No Skyler, take a deep breathe, you and the other half of WE aren't together anymore, HE can take who ever he wants to Japan, "No thanks, my flight doesn't leave in like 6 hours".
She shrugged and turned to hop into the van.
I started walking away with my arms crossed, I already said goodbye to everyone and my shit was packed since yesterday, all the numbers were secure in my sidekick.
I walked with my head down so I didn't see I was about to bump into Gerard and his baggage. But I did.
I didn't know what to say, it looked like a scene from a stupid romantic movie, I stared at him for dear life, like I wanted to memorize every details of him cause even though I was still pissed, I started to miss him but he didn't look healthy, he looked sick and tired.
"You OK?", he smiled a little.
I nodded, "You?"
We stared at each other a bit longer but then it became awkward, "Have a safe trip".
"You too", he said.
I waved a little and walked past him, I think he turned around, I hopped he turned around but I didn't dare to check if he did.
Later that night, like wayyy later...More like early the next morning I finally made it home.
My head was pounding like I don't know what...I rolled my suitcase to the living room and dumped it there, a damp smell was in the air so I decided to open the windows and let the cold night breeze chase shadows around the house.
I was torn between wanting to collapse in bed and sleep forever or have my first bath in two months.
The bath won so I stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the water, our taps were wack so you had to do this right otherwise you could freeze or get 3rd degree born.
First the hot water then the cold then five minutes of hot again and two minutes of cold, Ray used to time it and when he was away, I called him, put him on speaker phone and we'd have a trance atlantic timing the bath session, I lost track of the time and what tap I turned last.
I stared at the clear water and let everything sink in, the whole summer was like a dream, like it happened to someone else and I was just watching the recap.
Scenes and images ran through my mind, meeting the crew for the first time, boarding the minibus, the first photo session, the first time Ronald made me cry, fucking Gerard in some bush...So much happened but I sped to the last week or two after I found out about his drugs, all the looks we snuck when the others weren't looking...I snapped to present and began undressing.
I poured half of the soap bottle Gerard left behind, it made me shiver to smell him again.
I stepped into the bath and yelped. It was too hot, I knew I couldn't do it without Ray...And really how could I make it without them?
I was stupid for letting Gerard go. Stupid and proud but where do I go from here? So much shit was said and done, how can I turn back time? Reverse everything?
My head was exploding with thoughts, I slid under water, letting the water flow in my nose and ears and to every other cell in my body. It became silent and dark and everything stopped.
The oxygen didn't flow and thoughts froze in my mind and darkness took over my eyelids.
Maybe this is how it feels to die. I rose up and gasped for air, coughing the water from my lungs.
I slipped under and above water a few more times until eventually I dozed off.
I woke up with the phone playing the I'm not OK melody in my jeans pocket, I was disappointed to find myself alive and well but reached for the phone.
I started to cry when I heard Billy's familiar voice, it was like hearing a song you liked for the first time in many years, it brought me comfort, "Yeah"
"It's me. Billy", his voice was raspy and hoarse.
Silence during which I was weeping and I heard him breathing.
"Please come over"
"Skyler", he sighed, "Are you in town?"
"I've done some bad shit, Skyler", he sniffled but it wasn't a flu sniffle or a crying sniffle, it was a different kind of sniffle, one I became familiar with over the summer.
"Are you in jail?"
"Then come over"
"OK", he hung up on me, leaving me to weep even harder, I dunked myself in the bath again to stop myself from crying.
But Billy didn't show up, not a day after he called, not a week and not 3 weeks since the phone call.