“Brendon!” I began to slap his face lightly but he still wouldn’t come to it.
“I don’t mind where you come from as long as you come to me.
But I don’t like illusions.
I can’t see them clearly.
I don’t care though I wouldn’t dare to fix the twist in you.
You’ll show me eventually what you’ll do.
I don’t mind…I don’t care… as long as you’re here.”
The room was dark and the air stale. I could only make out a crouched silhouette against the faint glow of a tipped over lamp.
“Hello,” I whispered.
The silhouette shifted and grunted.
I stepped into the room and felt the walls for a light switch. My fingers grazed across the tip of it and I was ready to flick it when I heard my name.
The voice was recognizable but sounded different. It was raspy and dry but I still notice a hint of familiarity. I flicked the switch and what was revealed was something I would pray later I wouldn’t have ever seen.
“Brendon?” I was shocked beyond belief.
Brendon’s white body was laying limp on the carpeted floor in his hotel room. He was sweating profusely and his clothes were no where to be found. The room had looked like it was hit with a major tornado. The mattress was flipped and the light fixtures were all knocked over and the mirror was shattered.
“Annabelle, I’m so sorry,” his raspy voice said in my ear once I kneeled beside his nearly naked body.
“B, what happened?” What happened was that he relapsed again and all he could say was that he was sorry?
I shifted his body into my lap and his anxious yet still endearing brown eyes stared up at me. I wanted to hate him but my heart wouldn’t let me; he needed me after all. I hadn’t lost belief in him yet that he would get cleaned up and make that album…but time was still ticking and well, he was still shooting up.
“B, what’s wrong!” His eyes started to roll into the back of his head and his body was trembling prolifically.
“Brendon!” I began to slap his face lightly but he still wouldn’t come to it. He was sweating worse and vomit spewed through his open mouth.
“Someone call an ambulance!” I was screaming frantically now wanting anyone to hear me.
“Belle, what is going on?” Ryan was standing in the doorway.
“I don’t know! Help me please!” Tears were soaking my chest and Brendon’s face. I can’t really remember anything after that. I couldn’t make out the words Ryan Ross was telling the support on the line. All I was doing was staring at Brendon. His eyes still placed in the back of his head, his body continuing to quake.
Snap out of it! I wanted to yell at both of them because this couldn’t be happen right in front of me. No! This is just a dream.
/Someone pinch me and wake me out of this nightmare/, I thought as the medics lifted his body away from me and wheeled him out of the door.
“Annabelle, you can’t take care of him anymore,” Mr. Urie told me while at the hospital that following evening.
Brendon’s family had tried telling me the same thing every time he would relapse and would put me through everything from therapy to anger management to straight up missing the he was, before the heroin.
“Steven, I can’t.” My eyes glanced back to Brendon’s hospital room. I could hear the beeping of his heart monitor.
“You can’t keep putting yourself through the stress and misery. You are going to crash and bur before he does.” My eyes started to run again, hot tears.
“You don’t understand!” I tried not to my voice too much but I let it slip. “He is my life! I can’t let him go like this!” Brendon’s dad pulled my arm and led me to the waiting room.
“Anna, do you know what this feels like to me as a father, telling my youngest son’s girlfriend that she should leave him? I don’t think you do…All I am saying is that you should take some time out to yourself and we will take care of him.”
I tilted my head up ashamedly and dried my tears instead of letting them dry themselves.
My mind was running about 150 miles per hour. I had no clue what I would do. Should I leave him and teach him a lesson? Or should I stay like I have done before, in the past? Mr. Urie must’ve been able to read my mind because he spoke the next words to me slowly…
“Annabelle, you are so young, barely eighteen…you really need to think about your future. Focus on keeping your grades up in college. Brendon told me last week that you got accepted to UNLV. Please, do something for yourself.”
I slowly pulled my frown into a small grin to please Mr. Urie.
“I guess.” I shrugged my shoulders and turned to walk away from Mr. Urie.
“Anna, it’s for the best.” I kept walking; past Brendon’s room, past the buzzing door, past the nurses that stared at my tears.
I walked out of my life with my love…Once I reached the main door and in my black Cadillac CTS, courtesy of Brendon, I realized what I was doing and cried.
I was walking into my new life.
The bell had already ringed when I walked into the doors of UNLV. Great my first week and I was late almost everyday so far. What a wonderful way to start off a school year huh? I was making my way to the Music Theory room when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
“Manda, where are you?” My best friend and off-campus roommate was never awake this time in the morning.
“You’ll never guess who I saw at that restaurant me and Danny went to last night.”
I wasn’t really into the whole guessing game thing, especially at 8:30 in the morning.
I stopped dead in my tracks. I almost dropped the phone too, if I didn’t want to hear more.
Ryan and I had gotten pretty close as friends go and we really had no choice. We never really saw eye to eye but Brendon connected us. I missed Ryan to some degree…okay a fairly large degree…it had been two months without any companionship besides Manda, Danny, and well the Internet. I’ve had no interaction of any kind from any of the guys since Brendon’s last relapse. His parents would give me small updates but after I had a nervous breakdown on the phone with Debby, Brendon’ sister, they stopped telling me. It hurt.
“And?” I was trying my best not to care, but I missed my old life…minus the drama.
“Oh Annabelle Williams!!! We both know that you miss him.” She sighed deeply and I heard someone on the other side of the receiver. “Sorry babe, I didn’t mean to yell…”
“You and Danny had fun I take it.”
“Don’t change the subject,” she hissed
“That is not changing the subject Amanda. Changing the subject would be saying ‘gotta go hun’.” Click.
I turned and walked out of the Fine Arts Building. I truly didn’t feel like going to class today. The thought of augmented and diminished chords made me want to kill myself so I walked away. Something I was getting good at. Then I thought for a moment…I had no where to go. Amanda was probably heaping mad at me or getting busy with Danny.
So I kept walking, off the campus and to my car and drove off toward the Vegas Strip.
Every since I moved to Vegas, a few years ago, this place had always attracted me. The lights ad sounds drew me in. Then the people and…character kept me there. It was like a city all in its own. A world describes it better. I pulled off I-15 and parked my car in the Treasure Island parking lot. Something had to change I thought to myself but I knew that I wouldn’t have the heart to change it at all.
So, defeated, I rested the seat back and bundled my legs to my chest.
Soon after I fell asleep.
“Wrong or right.
Black or white.
If I close my eyes, it’s all the same.
In my eyes, the compromise, I’ll close my eyes…
It’s all the same.”