Sorry i haven't updated in a while.
The next few days were a blur of moving into Ryan's guest bedroom, potty-training Ella, and getting used to being single. Ryan was kept busy with planning for the new tour. It was so much fun when we'd stay up until four in the morning discussing his soon-to-be first headlining tour. I had gotten a call from Pete and my brother. They were trying to get me to go to New York for a couple of days to listen to this really unique band that Patrick was already co-producing, but they wanted a second person just to keep their sound fresh. My brother also figured this would be a good way to ease myself into producing. I was contemplating the idea at the kitchen counter when Ryan came in from walking the dogs.
"Hey!" I greeted Maddy as I walked through the door. She didn't reply. She was in deep thought, i could tell, but i couldn't resist. I placed my hands on her sides and tickled her a bit. She squirmed and giggled.
"What's eatin' ya?" i asked. She looked up at my and back down at the tea she had been drinking. She then looked back up at me again.
"Pete called me."
"What did he say?"
"Well, it was a long conversation, but I'll give ya the short version."
"Pete and my brother discovered some new band and they thought i could produce them along with Patrick."
"Congratulations! That's great!"
"Thanks, well I still have to go to New York and listen to them, you can come if you want."
"Yeah, I'd love to, but why do you look upset about the whole thing?"
"Well, if all goes well I'll be in New York for two, almost three months."
"Wow, that's a long time."
"Tell me about it. I mean it's a long time, but part of me is really excited and looking forward to it."
"Yeah, well what happens with us?"
"What do you mean?"
"I thought we had something going here?" I asked her completely on a limb.
"We do, sorta. I mean I like you a lot, Ryan just a relationship is a lot to handle right now. I mean if we did engage in something it would tear us apart. You'll be on tour all over the world and I'll be in New York City."
"But that kiss..."
"Meant a lot to me," she finished my sentence, "but it would be disastrous to start a relationship this way. I just don't know if right now is the best time. And I'm sorry if kissing you made you confused. I had every intention of trying to start something with you, it just might have to wait."
I wasn't rejecting Ryan, not in the least. If anything I was falling in love with him, or have i already fell? I didn't want a long distance relationship to always be on his mind while he was on tour. He tried it last time and it ripped him into shreds.
"Wait for what?" he asked completely sincere.
"I don't know. I'm just a bit torn between everything right now."
"Maddy I-" His phone began to go off and he ignored it and continued to stare in to my eyes. I was beginning to go weak under his spell.
"Are you gonna answer that?"
"No." He simply stated.
"Maddy I don't understand how this wouldn't work."
"Ryan," I sighed," I'll be in New York City working with another group on an album and you will be touring all over the place wondering if i am being faithful or not. You did it the entire last tour."
"I trust you though."
"It's not about trust, it's just about the inevitable."
"You're wrong. I think you are just scared that you may love me like i love you."
"Don't be ridiculous I'm not scared."
"Prove to me that you aren't afraid."
"And how would you suggest I do that?"
"Don't kiss me back," he whispered as he bridged the increasingly smaller gap between us. He placed his hands on the back of my neck and nudged me towards him. I felt his lips dance across mine and i couldn't help but kiss back. It felt like that wonderful feeling i got when i kissed him before all over again. Why was he having this affect on me? Wasn't I supposed to be the smart one here who was looking out for the both of us. After a minute or so, I think, the kiss parted. He rested his forehead against mine. I felt him smile against my forehead.
"You kissed back," he whispered.
"It's your fault," I laughed back.
"Maddy I want this so much that i'll do whatever it takes to make this work. Anything!"
"Ryan I can't ask that of you."
"You didn't ask. I insisted."
"Why do you want to have a relationship so bad? We can still be close like this when we see each other."
"No that won't work."
"It's not enough for me. I need to know that we belong to each other. I need to know that when i say "i love you" over the phone every night, that before we hang up, i'm yours and solely yours and that you're mine and solely mine."
"I love you. I think i always have. I mean i loved Brendon, too. But i'm so in love with you that i feel i might not make it if we aren't together. I know it's crazy that I've been refuting it. But you're right. I'm scared. I'm so scared that one of us will hurt each other and i love you so much that im willing to keep you in my life as just a friend who i know will never leave rather than my boyfriend who i may have to part from."
"We'll never part. Never."