I don't know if he ever told you, even though I'm pretty sure he didn't cause you didn't seem to discuss things much, but anyway, he had these recurring nightmares for couple of years about your death, they were different but the theme was the same.
Last night I heard loud noises and screams from his bedroom, I found him absolutely hysterical, If I didn't know better I'd think he was on something, he said you came to him and talked to him and said you're not mad at him for killing you but you're sorry he moved on so quickly and you wish him all the best.
And I know it was just a dream but what the fuck?! Seriously is it because of my letters? Cause if it is I'll stop. I swear I'll stop writing to you and thinking badly of you, I swear just please stop! I don't know if he can take anymore of these dreams.
God I can't believe I was thinking it's because of my letters, it can't be because of my letters cause you're dead! You're not alive! You've been 6 feet under the ground for 4 years! There's no such things as ghosts or the after life or even heaven! There's no such thing! You're dead! You're gone! You're in the past! You don't look down on us or watch us or remember us.
It was just a dream and Gerard's going crazy.
He fucking thinks he killed you cause he didn't watch out for you better, cause he let you be with Billy for a couple of months during your fall out, cause he let you walk by yourself that day, cause he hit Billy, cause he didn't see Billy for who he was, cause he didn't spend his entire time with you instead of touring....Fuck he's going crazy and he's taking me down with him.
And I keep trying to explain that it's not his fault, that Billy was mentally unstable, that anything might've set him off, even a comment made by a Starbucks employee, that's when he vowed not to drink coffee ever again for as long as he lives.
I'm running out of rational ways to explain this, I really am. Nothing I say is good enough, he finds 49348 opposite argument for my one. So what's the point?
He's sleeping right now, he's really peaceful in his sleep, not a hint of his previous melt down, not even a trace of tears. Have you ever seen him cry? It's heart breaking. Absolutely heart breaking! Fuck you! Don't ever come near him ever again you motherfucking bitch! Ever! Not even in a dream! Just stay the fuck away!
God what am I saying.
I have to get away from this madness, I swear sometimes I just think he wants to join you one way or the other, and maybe he's better off this way, not with me but with you, with your memory, with your ghost.
Have you ever got that feeling that you can't bear to think anymore? To analyze shit anymore or your head is going to explode? That's what I feel, I need a break, I need to get out of this house but I can't leave him all alone...Perhaps I should call one of his friends to keep him company, he likes when they come over cause they maintain the illusion, all they do is remember the past and the good days.
PS I think I cheated on him.