Sunshine should've, could've, would've...
I was talking to Gee the other day and he mentioned that girl was writing to you and at first I was like what the fuck? That chick has officially lost it but here I am, following her example.
I don't even know how to call her, I keep referring to her as she and her and you and that girl and that chick and I don't know what to make of her. She's not Gerard's wife cause you were his one and only wife and she's not our friends cause she's too good to hang with us so what does it make her? I have no idea and I'm glad I don't have to define her status cause I couldn't.
I was so pissed at Gerard for marrying her I didn't come to the wedding, no one but Ray came. We took it like he's trying to replace you, Ray was the only one clever enough to see how desperately Gerard needs someone, we saw it as betrayal and I'm kinda sorry for not coming, I should've come and be there for him if not be happy for him.
I find myself thinking a lot about the past, sometimes regretting shit I didn't do or things I should've done differently.
Life is so short sugar and I'm so sorry we didn't realise it sooner, there's so many things I could've tell you to make you feel better, I saw how sad you were but I never told you anything. I mean what do you say? With guys it's easier, you nod and tell an off color joke and they're cool but girls? I felt so awkward telling you life will get better, partly cause I didn't believe it and partly cause...I don't even know.
But I saw you ache and break and I didn't do anything, and when you and Gee hooked up I believed it's his job to fix you and now I wonder if I could help.
Remember our stupid kiss at 4th grade? I had a crush on you then! yeah I know I'm being all sensitive and emotional and you'd laugh your fucking ass off if I told you this to your face but I really liked you then, and remember all the years we were awkward at junior high and high school? Yeah that's me being a jerk and secretly liking you, but then Gerard asked you out and you were his...And it's a guy thing but I was over you. Now stop rolling your eyes and read on.
I realize it was a childish crush but I can't help but wondering if me telling you would've made a difference? Cause I know you were hot for my ass at some point. Yes you were! Yes! You! Were!
Fuck how I wish you were here to tell you all this, to hear you laugh your idiotic laugh even if it's at me.
I feel guilty for being here, I'm about to get married and I know you never properly got married and it hurts.
It hurts to know I don't have to mail you an invitation or have you pull stupid faces at me when I'm standing at the alter committing for life, cause you know you would've.
To have kids and not have you as auntie Skyler. It feels so wrong.
You were so young, 25 fucking years old! And for what? Why? Cause a stupid motherfucker had a meltdown! How is that fair? I have no idea sunshine, but I learned that life is short and I'm trying to make the best of it without feeling guilty.
I have a new band now and a clothing line, it's keeping me busy, it kept me sane for the first year or so, I think we all just looked for reasons to go on, Gerard drove himself to the limit to find out who did this to you, Mikey dedicated himself to Alessa, Bob found a new career as sound tech and Ray kept jogging between different bands.
I miss my chemical romance, the feeling it gave us but Gerard won't hear of it, he doesn't do much nowadays, it's like he went back to his teenage self.
I don't know what would be the end of him and honestly I'm afraid to think of it.
And that girl of his, fuck I can't say it, I just can't.
You know what sunshine, I'm gonna wrap it up now.
Love, (roll your eyes and I'll kick your ghosty ass!)