- Okay I am not trying to be harsh but I am definitely going to be critical of this story. I am a huge fan of Star Wars, and a big fan of Harry Potter.
I like the idea of the story but there is some things that bothered me, and others that seemed heavy handed. Also, there isn’t really anything saying what this story is about. There is no real outline. Is it an excuse to hook Harry up with several girls? I hope you intend for it to be more than that.
And I honestly hope it isn’t a set up for Dumbledore Ron or anyone bashing. Really, that isn’t the way to a good story. (Personal :-) opinion) its like listening to a rant only instead your reading it. Talk about self-inflicting wounds.
Harry’s actual hate, don’t get me wrong I believe him capable of it but his thoughts were far too sith already, with his future plots and he was already too crafty, almost sinister. He is only a small child of what… six years?
Next he doesn’t seem to have fear, a major driving emotion for a sith. Fear, to anger, to hate, suffering. (Generally the suffering of the sith enemies. There is a whole group of sith philosophies, which this chapter just seems to disregard. Fear is a natural part of humans and all beings, and sith believe themselves to follow the natural order of life. (I hope the point I am trying to get across makes sense and I am not just confusing you)
Your Dark Lady for example, her concern for Harry yes that could be an emotion but sith training is often described even by sith and sith masters as torture, in the literal sense. Her enragement should be more along the lines that the abuse was solely abuse. Not used to train such a promising child, that someone else had hurt what she viewed as so precious. That is more inline with sith philosophy.
She would look for fear in Harry. If he didn’t have it, she would instill it. Sith aren’t charming people, unless it’s to offer poisoned honey. Yes, she could have been kind to Harry even friendly but her internal dialogue was very un-sith-like. Also it seemed that the moments where Harry should have felt apprehension and fear should have been, were wasted as those would have been excellent points for Darth Talya or Lady Talya to teach sith philosophy to her new apprentice, explaining emotions, and sith outlooks on life, etcetera.
(Did you use Lady instead of Darth on purpose? What was her rank in the sith order? And which order is she from? Exar Kun? Revan? Sion Nihilus Traya? The brotherhood of Darkness? Some other sith order? Bane’s, with the rule of two? How strong was she? Did she complete her training? Did she kill her master at the end? Or was she a sith knight, allowed a chance to conquer her own world to become a sith lord herself? Was she THE Dark Lord of the Sith was she the best capable of taking the Title of Darth if she had wanted?) (Dark Lord is the correct term for either sex, though a very few have been known as Dark Lady)
Harry’s reaction to Azkaban was also lacking, he should have been afraid or at least affected negatively, he still has harsh memories the Dementors could feed off of; his parents dying, life at the Dursleys, etc.
In fact, Harry while wanting to have a different place to live and willing to take a risk to get it is totally realistic. He should still be scared, terrified even. He is six, and has been severely abused and his trust would be practically non-existent. He should be at least internally scared/freaked out/terrified of new surroundings, even if he doesn’t externally show it, this also allows Harry to be grateful to his master later, for saving him, and making him strong when he was weak. When he looks back on his past remembering how ‘pathetic’ he was
Also I really think you should have had the Dark Lady kill the Dursleys not save them for Harry. They were a tie to his past and sith tend to make sure those ties are severed, just like the Jedi. Only the sith tend to do it in a more gruesome fashion.
Why was the Dark Lady of the Sith in hibernation that part really doesn’t make sense. She gave up a bunch of time she could have been learning secrets of magic and the force since all Jedi and Sith are trained to believe the secrets of the force are limitless. A force vision showing her downfall if she remained active before she found her “true apprentice” would have been a good reason for her self-seclusion, and hibernation.
Also, there is the ‘viewpoint’ or ‘following’ changes that seems to happen the way you did it was choppy. You are telling this so far from a 3rd person view, so you don’t need to cut back and for to tell what Harry said and thought then what the Dark Lady said and thought it can all be told without the special separation and the story will flow more smoothly. Normally double spacing works well for scene separation though some prefer a spacer such as asterisks (*) but you don’t need either when the characters are all in the same conversation.
Now there are some “technical” aspects I would like to cover. First being the Black lightsaber, please first think about that phrase, a BLACK LIGHTsaber, black absorbs light. So how can you have a black LIGHTsaber. It doesn’t work. Having a white beam of energy or plasma casting a black “glow” it doesn’t work. It’s just one of those things that is overdone to make one character stand out more only it ends up making the statement “Hi I’m Mary Sue/Garry Stu!” and in the end what does it really do? Look cool? Not really maybe if it was a movie and you could somehow make the special affect but….
Most of the time, I think when authors try to write about a black lightsaber they have the idea of a black light in mind, which is a little misleading, as it isn’t actually black light. Her is a link to more information. if a black light was your inspiration for a black lightsaber.
If black lights weren’t the inspiration ignore the link or don’t your choice, and just please don’t write a black lightsaber stick to the traditional colors, or any that can be found in crystals from earth. (Diamond, ruby, emerald, sapphire etc. If you really want to make a unique blade, there are two good options without making it seem so odd. One is the diamond since it refracts light into many colors you (could) have a multi colored shimmering lightsaber, though again there is the marry sue aspect, or you could have the blade made from an alexandrite crystal which color shifts between purple and green.) More important make the story character, and plot driven rather than a shopping list of goodies. It will be a better story. Show Harry’s training and his experiences how he realizes a certain aspect of his training and sith philosophy held true, after a hard mission.
Show his first mission and his trials as he works towards becoming a sith knight, master, lord. The same goes for his wizarding aspect of training. Don’t get to focused on the tech and equipment.
There are a couple books for information that I would recommend that if you don’t have can be picked up at your local library. Namely, the star wars essential guide series. Or if you have questions emailing me works, I would be happy to help.
Um, lightsaber forms. Please at least use them and have Harry stick to a few not just boom Harry is powerful he mastered them all. that is so boring.
Behavior that is one of the things that always worries me the most. With stories like yours I find enemies and allies acting one of a few way according to the author. They are overly sadistic crude, dominant, or unfeeling, or some other extreme they tend to never be fleshed out.
Sadistic as in Voldemort torturing his followers for the slightest infractions, and that type of behavior not many will endure long before a rebellion will occur.
Crude, the villains etc are stupid using unnecessary means, or sloppy technique to achieve goals. Also a dark lord/wizard merely fucking and forgetting a servant girl callously throwing her aside. In some instances yeah that works but, even sith still have desires and passions, and being unnecessarily cruel to a servant who has done well, is a good way t get a knife in the back so to speak..
Dominant, again the torturing with the slightest excuse, constantly having a chip on the should if a person is truly powerful they don’t bark at insects. And a servant would already know there place. If one was getting truly out of hand even after veiled threats and warnings and then true warnings, then yes violence.
Unfeeling is obvious, and while it may seem contradicting to what I said earlier about your dark lady, even sith enjoy comforts and pleasures, hell even company so long is the company is respected or pleasant/pleasurable.
A real good way to avoid unbalanced-ness is knowing what your characters goals are. Then making sure the characters actions are working towards their goals. Excessive cruelty to a follower who has been loyal for example will increase the chances of mutiny etc. after all if you are already being tortured and subject to death on a whim why not try and make it more worth your while than being a servant?
I know this probably seems like a lot of lecturing, but I am only trying to help. It’s just it would be nice to read a HP/SW that didn’t become stupid.
Last I would like to remind you there are steps before mastery. Novice, practitioner, expert, master. There are other systems available and you can make your own up.
Example: a form IV Specialist would practice heavily using form IV. And become an expert in that form, but at the expense of form II. This would mean that against any other form, he would seem extremely proficient but a form II practitioner, or expert could tear him apart. And it doesn’t make him a maser but he has a special talent in a certain area do to his diligent study.
True mastery takes time and experience training alone will never give true mastery. And mastery can’t always overcome surprise, or a piss poor situation. A fight isn’t just who was better or stronger. It’s who was better, more prepared, faster, smarter, stronger, at that precise second when the battle happens when that unexpected explosion knocks the combatants of their feet, or the unexpected interference of an ally or enemy comes into play.
Also what I mean by master mastery isn’t just one thing someone can master the use of a weapon in no time but becoming masterful or a true master what take much longer.
Example: learning to use a rifle you learn the ins and outs of it how to take it apart clean it aim it so on and so forth but that doesn’t mean you mastered its use. knowing that at a thousand you have to aim for the spot your target will be and accommodating for the guy bending over to pick up that coke can or whatever.
Same for Harry with the lightsaber he could master it but that doesn’t mean he was a master of the lightsaber, or a specific form it means he knows enough to continue teaching himself by learning from mistakes, watching others, practicing, and through combat.
Am I making sense or just confusing?
Anyway, you get the idea I hope. I am looking forward to the next chapter and I hope your writing goes well. I also hope this hasn’t sounded like a flame or pissed you off. If so I am sorry, it wasn’t my intention.
If you have any questions, or want to talk about anything I said, or ask about, …well you get the idea. Here is my email, its also my yahoo messenger tage.
- It is a good start. Personally I like the idea of a black light saber. Just think of a TV showing an all black picture. It creates an spooky kind of light, but enough to see by. I'm not a huge SW addict, and the reason for even reading fan fiction is to see how an author twists canon, rather than adhering to it. So far you have an interesting blend I look forward to seeing where it goes.
- Too bad Dumbledore didn't see Star Wars, otherwise he would have been familiar with the Fear=>Anger=>Hate warning. I suspect he will become aware of the consequences of his actions and neglect once Harry attends Hogwarts, and some of it will be directed towards Dumbledore once Harry learns who put him with the Dursleys.
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