A nice, sedate start to another year of quiet learning. Riiiiight.
squick ahoy. None of it be too graphic, but some of it be rather
And thank you to all those who praised the preview, and to the Omake
contributors. I'd go further, but this part is long enough already.
Ron Weasley said, "I have a brilliant idea." Ginny should have known
that she was in trouble then, but apparently didn't.
Ron was probably the most disappointing member of Gryffindor House's
unimpressive crop of second years. Seemingly uninterested in
anything other than Quidditch and food, Ron had coasted through most
of his courses, doing just enough to pass. Ron reasoned, if that is
the word, that "None of this really counts until fifth year anyway."
When he and Ginny had found the barrier at Kings' Cross impassible,
Ron made the decision to return to the family car. They slipped away
almost unnoticed just as the Ministry of Magic personnel arrived.
The rest of the Weasleys hadn't seen them depart, either, and as a
result, the entered the Kings' Cross parking area unobserved. Ron
and Ginny were pondering what to do to ensure their arrival at
Hogwarts, when he hit upon the aforementioned shiny notion:
"Let's take the car! You want to impress Harry, right? Nothing will
impress the others like making a perfect landing in our car for
everyone to see!"
"Sure!" Ginny wasn't quite sure about this, but she had no ideas of
her own to present. Besides, Harry didn't really know she existed
yet, and she desperately wanted to change that.
And so, after several minutes of Ron's fiddling with the controls, a
1962 Ford Anglia was seen rising over the parking area at exactly
9:43 in the morning. It remained visible to a small crowd of
onlookers until Ginny finally located and pressed the invisibility
Meanwhile, the Hogwarts Express pulled out of the station precisely
on time. The Potter wives and Harry shared two rather crowded
"Well, I guess we dodged that spell," said Su.
"Which brings up the question of what the Malfoys will do next, or
try to do," Hermione said. "What they've done so far makes no sense
as a real plan of attack."
"Maybe it's just some kind of prank," Megan said. "Some kind of
hazing, like when my aunt got traded to a new Quidditch team."
"What do you think, Susan?" Millicent asked Susan, who was sitting
quietly by the window.
"I don't have any ideas. I don't know them well enough. Maybe they
have friends at Hogwarts who will do something," Susan muttered.
"Who could that…?" Hermione stopped. She knew that there were
Professors who resented House Harem enough to do some damage. It
took only another second to think of an obvious suspect, Professor
"We're going to have to work together to beat Snape, or whoever it
is. I told Harry before he left my house that the goal may be to
split us apart. We cannot let that happen."
"And we're going to need allies," Mandy concluded. "Gilderoy, I mean
Professor Lockhart should be very helpful, I think."
"As long as he doesn't try to kiss me again, that works for me," said
a skeptical Millicent.
In the other compartment, Harry was having a similar conversation
with the Patils, Lisa, Mandy, and Tracey. Tracey actually had what
Harry thought was the best idea. "I'll see if my mother can find out
anything. She lunches with Narcissa and some of the other society
witches every once in a while. Their husbands think they can conceal
big plans, but I bet they can't," Davis said confidently. Harry
asked her to do so, and thanked her.
About seven hours later, with the ride entering its last stages,
Harry was kicked out with his robes so that he wouldn't interfere
with their changing process. As he took his robes out into the
hallway to change in the bathroom, along came Draco Malfoy and his
friends/ guards, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle.
"Why'd you get kicked out of your compartment, Scarhead? Girls
finally get sick of you?" Draco laughed at his own joke.
"No, Malfoy. They just want to look their best for me when I'm done
changing. It's a surprise, they said. By the way, I saw your
parents this summer. They look well, especially your mother. She
and I are becoming good friends," Harry finished, smiling broadly.
"Don't you talk about my mother, Potter. She loves me," Draco said,
"Sure she does, Draco. That's why she told me about your tutor,"
Harry bluffed. He'd heard about Draco's grades through the grapevine.
"That bastard was… none of your damn business, Potter! We'll see
who's laughing this year when my father's plan comes through!" Draco
screamed, drawing the attention of the girls.
Millicent stuck her head out of her compartment's cracked-open
door. "Who's yelling out here? Oh, it's you, Malfoy. Say hi to
your dear mother for me." She shut the door again.
"No one makes fun of my mother!" Draco hollered shakily.
"We're not making fun of her. We like her. By the way, what does
your daddy have planned?" Harry queried innocently.
"Oh, you'll see when his friends here come through for him. You'll
all see!" Draco stalked off, quivering with anger.
"Well, that was informative. Sort of," Harry muttered to himself as
he headed down the corridor.
When he returned to the compartment, he found that replaying the
conversation to them caused the girls to giggle uncontrollably. He
then went next door to enlighten the other half of House Harem. All
of the family recognized that Draco might also be a useful source of
information and amusement.
"Just make sure that we don't use the Pictures until we're good and
ready," Hermione chuckled, with the capital P somehow audible.
It was a gloomy and overcast evening when the Express arrived. The
boat trip was uneventful, as was the beginning of dinner. Professor
Dumbledore was just about to introduce the new addition to the
faculty… when a loud crash came from outside.
Ron really didn't know exactly how to drive a car, but it looked
simple enough- point it in the right direction, step on the gas, and
go. Flying through the air seemingly removed the problems involved
in staying on the road. This actually worked out, for a few hours.
Unfortunately, the one trip to Hogwarts didn't give him a good idea
of the direction in which he needed to fly, and he soon became lost.
Fortunately, when his head start was gone, the Express passed right
under his Anglia, making his path clear- follow the tracks.
Sadly, all good things come to an end. About twenty kilometers south
of Hogwarts, just when it started to come into sight, the engine
began to cough and sputter. A glance at the fuel gauge showed it
pointing to "Why didn't you fill the tank fifty kilometers ago?"
"Ginny! Turn off the invisibility thingy!" yelled Ron as the Anglia
began to rattle.
"But we'll be seen!" wailed Ginny.
"There's nobody down there! We just need to squeeze out a few more
The Anglia was now sailing over the lake, steadily losing altitude.
"Put on your seat belt, Ron!" hollered Ginny. "You're going to run
That would be the bleachers of the Quidditch pitch. The Anglia
sideswiped the Gryffindor tower, throwing Ron around the passenger
compartment. Now completely out of control, the Anglia sputtered its
last before crashing into the lawn between the pitch and the castle.
Magic has a tendency to make its practitioners tough. Given the ways
that they choose to amuse themselves and the fauna they share their
world with, this is necessary for their survival. That is the only
reason Ron or Ginny were still alive when Madam Pomfrey reached
them. Both suffered multiple broken bones and internal injuries.
Ron was unconscious when he was found, and Ginny nearly so. Both
were shuttled directly into the hospital wing.
Meanwhile, the Sorting was just getting started. The Sorting Hat
opened its rip and began:
Founded long ago by two men
And two women smart and strong,
Who wanted to create a place
Where magic kids belong.
Succeeding beyond all their hopes,
Their legacy is here.
This school will help you learn and grow
Throughout your seven years.
When they were gone, the Founders thought,
It would be good to know
That there was something that could tell
Where students ought to go.
Each house has its own unique strengths
To help you to achieve,
And each will help you find some friends
In which you can believe.
They started out with four houses,
But magic does contrive
To bring us to a time instead
Where houses number five.
Gryffindors show bravery,
And Hufflepuffs will labor,
Ravenclaws seek knowledge, and
The Slytherins seek favor.
The Harem House is newest,
Seeking Harry Potter's wives…
Harry, who had listened with only half an ear- after all, nothing
that happened here would affect the House much- jerked up when he
To join this house is to commit
To Harry all your lives.
"I must have a word with the Sorting Hat," said Harry.
"Need a Fire spell? Or a match?" inquired Susan, as the other wives
started to speak up.
Enough of all our talking,
We've heard quite enough of that.
It now is time to sort you out,
For I'm the Sorting Hat!
"Harry, I think that comes from the wedding ceremony. I don't think
there's anything more to it," offered Millicent. "But maybe we
should talk with the Professors when this is over."
"I'm not going anywhere. Are any of you?" Hermione challenged. If
anyone was thinking of leaving, no one said so.
Up on the dais, the Sorting itself was commencing. With the rest of
the student body quiet, Harry began to calm down again.
"I want to be with Harry's House Harem!" Colin said breathlessly.
"But you're a boy," the hat responded.
"So?" Colin wasn't quite old or physically mature enough to
understand the problem this would pose.
"Harry's not looking for a husband," the Hat patiently explained.
"Maybe he will later," Colin said, trying to preserve his chances.
"I don't think so, Colin. But I see a young man who loves
challenges. I see a GRYFFINDOR!"
More time passed and more students were slotted- Slytherin seemed to
be getting more than its share. Then about halfway through came a
"Hello," Luna said calmly. "I would like to be in House Harem."
"You know that this involves marrying Harry, right?"
"Yes, I heard it from the boys at the table." The line of students
had stretched out on the edge of the room, closest to the Gryffindor
table, but it had shortened enough that the line was now close to the
dais. "But I knew he'd married them all already."
"You're sure? This is about more than just the next seven years."
"I'm sure," she said as if telling Xeno that she really would like
one more Fizzing Whizbee.
"Very well. HAREM!"
The students got unusually quiet as Luna raced down the length of the
tables to join her new family.
Millicent's talk with the Professors had to wait for a conference at
the Head Table. Apparently none of them expected the membership of
House Harem to grow either. After several minutes of waiting,
Trelawney waved them away, promising an explanation later.
Fortunately, no one had changed the password, and House Harem's
interior looked just as it had when they had left. The fire was
burning, the chairs and sofas inviting, and the now baker's dozen
members of the House took seats and chatted a bit, waiting for the
Professors to return. After a few minutes, Sinistra made an entrance.
"Why did the hat say they'd committed to me for the rest of their
lives? Where do we put Luna? Why do all the weird things happen to
me?" Harry kept it short and simple. The girls waited with their
questions to see if Harry actually got answers.
"Because those are the words of the marriage ceremony you performed
with each of your wives, in her bed in the same room as the other
girls' beds, and because you're just lucky. Now, unfortunately,
Dumbledore has called a special faculty meeting in half an hour; I
get the feeling that he's as surprised as you are. I won't have
anything more until it's over.
"Luna," Sinistra said, shifting her tone to be as welcoming as
possible, "we're so glad to have you in House Harem. I hope that you
enjoy yourself here, and remember that Professor Trelawney and I are
here to help you in any way that we can."
"Thank you, Professor. I'm sure I will," Luna said quietly. "Now, I
wanna see my new bed."
"Good idea. Girls, please show Luna her new bed. I have to leave
now. I'll be back as soon as I can. Remember that classes start
tomorrow!" With that, she grabbed a file of papers and headed for
Harry, meanwhile, went to the bathroom attached to his room, not so
much to do his business (although he did) as to collect his
thoughts. He'd not really expected to have another wife, after all.
After several minutes, he shrugged his shoulders and put on the
pajamas waiting for him, and headed out into his room.
The big bed was there, if anything a little bit bigger than
previously. The sheets were turned down. And right in the middle of
it lay Luna Lovegood.
"Luna? Why are you in my bed naked?" Harry wondered.
"Because this is where I sleep. The other girls showed me their
beds, but I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. And I'm
naked because I know you're marrying me. Be gentle,"
"Luna, we're not doing that tonight," Harry explained.
"Okay, don't be gentle. It's up to you," Luna conceded.
"We're not doing that either."
"Oh poo. I thought we were getting married."
"We are, I think. The Professors said they'll tell us later. But
we're not consummating the marriage tonight. Now put some clothes
"But why? I don't need to wear clothes to go to sleep," Luna said
"Because if you don't, then you can't stay here. That's what they
said last year when this House started."
"Oh, very well. But I'll be back, Harry."
"I look forward to it."
"You know, if you really look forward to it…"
With the fragile peace established the previous summer shattered, the
professors' emergency meeting was more than a little spirited.
Of course, that wasn't the only reason for the meeting. Having a
student nearly killed moments before she was to be Sorted was another
unwelcome novelty. Professor McGonagall's motion to defer Ginny's
Sorting until she was healthy enough to attend classes was
unanimously accepted. As for Ron, after a heated debate, it was
decided that Gryffindor would lose its first 100 points of the term.
After receiving the reports on his injuries from Madam Pomfrey,
everyone except Snape decided that for Ron, the next few months would
be punishment enough.
As acrimonious as that had been, it was nothing compared to the
debate over House Harem. In addition to the previously existing
problems with the House, it would now apparently have a one-person
year, which went beyond absurdity into utter farce.
Lockhart made it clear that he would support House Harem. "There is
nothing wrong with a good harem, Professor Burbage. Many great
Muggle and magical families have had them. As for Harry," he said
over Burbage's loud objections, "he seems like a good kid, and he'll
certainly get us some positive publicity that I'm sure you could use
On the other hand, think of the headaches that you'd get from stories
about tearing a twelve-year-old boy away from the only family that
he's ever known."
Dumbledore thought on that carefully. While the Quibbler had shifted
against him, the Daily Prophet was still firmly in his corner. Good
publicity would keep it there, keep Fudge in office, and keep his
secrets from emerging- not least his maneuvers to push Fudge over the
top in the election earlier in the year. Still, he had to
ask, "Professor Lockhart, how much publicity do you believe that
Harry can be worth here in school?"
"What do you know of Luna Lovegood?" inquired Lockhart.
"I know her father. He writes the Quibbler. But they're already
against me," said Dumbledore.
"True. But remember that their circulation keeps rising- they're
not a real threat to the Daily Prophet, but you'd still rather have
them for you than against you, right? There's no reason that old
Xeno can't be for you again. I'm sure I can convince him, and if I
can't, she can. Give them the kid-glove treatment for a while, and
they'll eat out of your hand. It works for me!" Lockhart concluded,
Kettleburn said, "I'm planning to retire after this year, so what
goes on after that isn't all that big a deal to me. A little good
publicity will make all our lives easier."
McGonagall was not happy about the possibility of public relations
overcoming educational realities. "But we can't very well admit her
as a first year. You cannot disrupt the schedules of hundreds of
students to accommodate one! We need to put her in another House, at
the very least."
"Is it really her fault that she loves Harry? She's had a hard
childhood, losing Celine just a couple of years ago. No friends in
grammar school, from what I have heard," said Flitwick
softly. "You've told me about the night you found Harry. Can you
really put a youngster in the hands of people who may mistreat her…
"Now that isn't fair, Filius! Putting Luna in a group that…"
"Her dad's been writing about them for almost a year!" Flitwick
Just as the crosstalk became overwhelming came a voice from the last
person expected to serve as a mediator- Professor Snape.
"I believe that we are at an impasse," he intoned. "We appear to
have the main issues of Luna as a one-person class and of the House
as a workable unit. I say that we should combine them."
"How?" asked McGonagall and Trelawney together.
"Place her in the second year with all the others, so that there is
no more disruption than before, but have her take all of the first
and second year finals together. If she fails even one of them,
House Harem will be dispersed," Snape said smoothly.
"That seems to be a reasonable compromise, don't you think?" asked
With Dumbledore's position now clear, it appeared that the pro-Harem
forces would carry the day. Snape's compromise was passed. Its
author, of course, had his ideas on what he could do to sabotage the
compromise- it was, after all, in his power to fail Luna on any
It was after midnight before the Professors returned to their
houses. Trelawney and Sinistra reached House Harem only to find the
students (including Luna, clad in a long tee-shirt) slumbering
together on Harry's bed. They decided to wait until the morning to
inform the kids of the new situation.
Omake: Accident of Convenience (my title) by Ted Carroll
Snape had been assigned the task of breaking the news to Luna that
Harem house wasn't open to new members and that the hat had misspoken.
Well... not quite assigned so much as promised to be fair in his use
of house points for the first month of school. He'd needed virgin's
tears from a broken heart for a potion that he was working on and this
seemed a prime opportunity to get some.
The other heads of houses waited outside for Snape to send her out so
they could properly sort her.
There was a loud noise and the door shattered outward spraying
fragments of wood everywhere.
Getting back to their feet and brushing themselves off they quickly
rushed in to see what had happened.
Luna was standing there with her usual wide-eyed stare, but of
Snape... there was no evidence.
"Miss Lovegood, where is Professor Snape?" Prof. Sprout asked gently,
wondering what had happened.
"It's Mrs. Potter," Luna stated firmly. "And I'm afraid I had a bout
of accidental magic in his direction and he's gone now."
"Accidental?" Prof. Minerva McGonagall asked carefully, having never
seen accidental magic this destructive after a student had bonded to a
"Yes," Luna stated again, "Accidental. I left my wand in my luggage,
so obviously it has to be accidental. I believe he was trying to say
something that would upset me and 'Accidental' magic happened to
him... loudly. I'm sure we wouldn't want any more accidents around
here... now would we?"
Prof. Minerva McGonagall had never been accused of being a coward in
her life or taking the easy route in anything, but then she'd never
been accused of being an idiot either. "Very well, Mrs. Potter, I'll
go fetch your husband so he can comfort you, I'm sure this was a very
upsetting thing to have witnessed."
Omake Squared by Rorschach's Blot:
"Nice classroom you got here. Be a shame if something
were to get . . . broken."