Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > He always said Vampires will never hurt you, I guess he lied!

Chapter 11 - Tell me I'm an Angel, Take this to my Grave

by Give-emHellKid 2 Reviews

I was speechless, I couldn't move 'This guys a nutcase' I thought...

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2008/04/16 - Updated: 2008/04/16 - 405 words


  • He always said Vampires will never hurt you, I guess he lied!

    (#) MCRoxsmysoxs 2008-06-04 02:54:13 PM

    **Honestly the story would be good if you:
    Proof read,
    Used more vivid vocabulary,
    Used a dictionary,
    Made the plot less hurried
    You have everything happening to fast.
    It's good story line it's just not being written well.
    Also give us readers a more detail about the setting and makes the story more enjoyable and allows us to picture it in our heads more vividly.

    Well good luck in the future I hope my review has helped. **
  • He always said Vampires will never hurt you, I guess he lied!

    (#) MCRoxsmysoxs 2008-06-04 03:06:42 PM

    **The story would be good if you:
    Used a dictionary;
    Used spell check;
    /Proof read/;
    Slowed it down a little you making things happen to quickly;
    Use diverse vocabulary;
    Don't use the same words over and over. It gets boring and people will lose interest quickly. A wonderful site to get synonyms from is just go to the thesaurus.
    Also give the readers more details about the setting and characters, it helps the reader understand you better and allows them to paint a more vivid picture of what going on.

    Anyway I wish you well with more of your writing in the future, just try using some of those tips and it should help you tremendously.

    Author's response

    yeh i do agree about this,
    i feel that i could of done better with this story and myself am not extremely happy about it, but i've not been able to proof read, check spelling etc.. to well because i haven't had alot of time on the computer recently and i've been swamped with exams, but the next one should be better, plus i'm working on a new story that is alot more descriptive as i've had more time...

    so thank you for the review it has really helped and i'll use it in my new story =]

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