It felt so good to be outside, away from the drama, the headaches…the acting. He sat by the pool, feet dangling into the chilly crystal clear water, at night drawing by the light of the moon and pool lamps combined. He was drawing a girl with shoulder length dark brown hair, murky blue eyes, and pale skin the moon couldn’t even compare to. She was tall, lanky, and elegant in every sense. By herself she stood, in the dark shade of night on a Cliffside overlooking the ocean, surrounded by demons and blood. She was much like the girl who laid tucked upstairs in his house, he thought to himself gulping with lust. He spent his days ignoring her, saying a pathetic ‘hello’ before wandering off before his lust and greed consumed him and he did something he might regret later. The only thing he would regret, he concluded, was the fact that he had not struck out and claimed her by now. Just because he would not be near her didn’t mean he didn’t think of her, the way she flipped her hair behind her small petite shoulders, the way her eyes shined when she was excited-he gulped again before he continued in his mind- the way she swung he perfect hips when she walked, her innocent girlish laugh. All of these things turned him on greatly.
He assumed that by ignoring her, the feelings he felt for her would simply disappear; out of sight out of mind. But that sure wasn’t the case; he seemed to think about her even more when he was trying not to think about her. He put his sketchbook aside leaning back, letting his head hang allowing his black hair to almost touch the undeserving ground. Opening his eyes he could make out a dark figure standing in one of the second story windows, it was small and feminine looking. The figure disappeared leaving Gerard breathless, and an aching in his loins. His want and almost need for her was unbearable, so he reached into his pocket to retrieve his cigarettes. Lighting one up he took a long drag, and finding no solace in its familiar taste and rush he threw it into the bushes. If a cigarette couldn’t comfort him then he had a problem. So he got up from the water’s edge and began his trek back to the house, leaving cold wet footprints behind him.
He didn’t notice anything in the house as he opened his door, and retreating to the confines of his room. Falling onto his bed, he breathed in the familiar scent, but it wasn’t enough. It only made him think of Mikey, and that didn’t help his current situation at all…it only made it worse. Mikey. Mikey was the one with all the luck. Through both of their lives, Mikey was the one who got everything. He got the grades, he got accepted more than Gerard did, he got ‘the girl’ first, and he got a job first. He got the name that founded their success, and now the thing that Gerard found, the thing that Gerard cherished and didn’t want to share with anyone else, Mikey got. Gerard’s breathing became labored as he though of his brother with seething hate. The little shit! He thought. The unfairness of it all, why can’t I have something first? Why can’t I get something that he’s jealous of? Why? He began to sob quietly into his crisp white sheets, wanting nothing more than to sink into a black pit of blasphemy and never resurface.
A quiet, almost inaudible, knock at his door made him draw silent. Wiping his pitiful tears on his black sleeve he went to the door, only expecting to see Frank smiling on the other side.
“Hey Frankie.” He said stepping back allowing Frank to enter.
“Sup Gee, what’s new?” he asked in an upbeat tone. Gerard shrugged not knowing if he should confide in his best friend and tell him the truth, or not.
“Not much, it’s just that,” he paused watching Frank mess with his action figures. He would always take them with him as comfort food, in a way. Frank turned now looking at him, willing him to continue. “It’s just that…look I’ve always been jealous of Mikey and now he has my prize, and it just really pisses me off.” He finished, shaking now with rage. Now it was Frank’s turn to shrug.
“So? Do something about it if it makes you that mad. If you want her, don’t let her go without a fight.” He said walking past him lightly patting him on the shoulder. “And Gee? Just don’t hurt her, ok?” And he left him standing there in complete awe. How was it that Frank could always find a way to get him through anything he was stuck with? Maybe it was a gift, he didn’t know. All Gerard did know was that he had to get Rae; if he didn’t…he didn’t want to think about it. Shaking his head slightly he walked out of his room closing the door gently, and her headed down the hall toward her room. Tonight, he thought to himself, I’ll tell her tonight. As he stood outside her door he felt something he hadn’t felt in so many years, since his grandma’s funeral, he felt fear. Fear she would reject him, fear Mikey would be in there, and fear…so many things that came with fear ran through his mind but he didn’t feel like naming all of them. It would take hours to name them all and he didn’t have that kind of time, if he was going to do anything, then he needed to do it now. So he gathered his breath, shook the fears from his cluttered mind and gently knocked on the barrier that held captive the girl of his dreams.
A small “come in” came from within the room, making Gerard’s heart quicken its pace. He opened the door and slowly entered not feeling at all at ease. He stood in the doorway frozen, just gazing at Rae sitting upon her bed, a book propped up against her knees. She was in skimpy white shorts that revealed the perfect plains of her pale legs, and a black skin tight tank top that drew all eyes to the rounded peaks of her chest. Gerard had to remind himself how to breathe, and look away before he was caught staring at her. When neither of them said a word, she glanced up wondering who had entered her room and seeing Gerard standing there made a small blush creep up on his cheeks and fear appear in her eyes.
“What are you doing here?” she asked setting the book aside. Gerard was speechless for a moment, but he cleared his throat and began to speak.
“I was just- I wanted to- I had to come tell you something!” He said in a rush, gazing down at his feet. He slowly made his way over to her bed and when he sat down, she didn’t move an inch. Gerard was astonished she didn’t cry bloody murder, but she did look like she wasn’t breathing.
“What do you want…really?” She asked in a strangled voice, making him look up at her. Of course now it occurs to her to become scared, he thought to himself smirking.
“God, you are so…different from the others,” he began peering at her face gauging her reaction and by the looks of it, he’d have to speed things up in order to say what he wanted before being shooed out of her room. “Look,” he began again, “I know I have given you quite a scare this past week, and I’ve done some pretty rash things. But I did it all out of…something.” He paused again, playing with his hands for a moment before yet again, continuing. “ I did it because of you, because of how you make me feel when I’m around you. You make everything spin, I can’t ever breathe, my face gets hot, and you make me go insane. Can you understand what I’m saying to you?” he asked softly, glancing at Rae. She sat perfectly motionless staring off at the wall, not a flicker of any emotion portrayed on her fair face. “Say something…please?” he begged quietly to her, and she indeed looked at him.
“What do you want me to do, Gerard? Your brother-”
“No, Mikey doesn’t belong in this conversation!” he yelled to her, but realizing his mistake at raising his voice he tried again. “What I meant was…we’re discussing you and I, not my brother. Of course I want him to be happy and find someone, but I brought you here…for me. I know it sounds selfish, but ever since we were both small, he’s always gotten whatever he’s wanted. He’s gotten all the girls too; he even stole some of my girlfriends. One night my girlfriend Jenna and I were supposed to go to a movie, but she canceled saying she was sick. I went over to her house to see if she needed anything, and when I got inside, she and Mikey were…” he paused composing himself before continuing. “I never forgave either of them after that. I told Mikey it didn’t matter because he was my brother, and that I forgave him completely, but not really. There was always some part of me that hated him because it would always happen, girl after girl. He would screw them in his car, in our living room, our basement, his room, and my room! They used to belong to me, and he deliberately fucked them…in MY room! And all his girlfriends were always ok with it, they never said anything about it, and I told my parents, but they thought I was overreacting…” he kept going with his story, and she sat there, in her room, listening intently to every word, while the tears began to silently well up in her eyes. But by the end, they were lightly washing her cheeks in warm saltiness. She tried ever so much to conceal them from Gerard by turning her head away, but nothing ever got past his eyes.
“Are you crying?” he asked in a shocked tone, lightly tilting her face back to his. Damn! She cursed inside her head, always in a time like this, why in front of him of all people? She shook her head a bit, but only made more fall onto his warm, yet pale, skin. He began wiping them away with his thumbs, cooing soft sweet words like “it’s alright, nothing to worry about, calm down silly child, Gee is here to chases away your fears”. While he said these things, more tears brewed in her eyes and he began to freak out in laughter.
“Will you stop crying? Wait… why are you crying?” he asked. She sighed knowing he wouldn’t let her leave without an explanation.
“Because…because what you said sounded a lot like what happened to me, with my best friend. She stole anything and everything I held dear; my boyfriend, my other friends, my clothes, toys…even my parents liked her more than me. My parents, for Christ sake! How could they love my friend more than their own daughter? I don’t know, it just hit a sore spot in my heart, and in a way, it makes me feel better knowing that it happened to someone else, that someone knows how I feel.” He pulled her close to his chest, crushing her in a bear hug. Rae’s mind knew it could turn into something bad but her body responded by wrapping her arms around him too. She pressed her face into his body, and was surprised she could hear his heart. It was going so fast…too fast, she thought.
“Gerard,” she asked into him, “are you ok?” she looked up at him, and was answered in a most unusual way.