Harry's been beaten and his friends don't like him, but how does Merlin fit into him having to save the world AGAIN?!? Super!Angry!Dark!but!not!evil!Harry, slave!Tracey, Harry/Fluer, maybe!femmesla...
(#) Vlad_the_Inhaler 2008-05-09 07:51:06 AMThis quite frankly, is terrible. Rushed plot, cliche, illogical, irrational, massive OOC, and random bashing without reason. The only thing whatsoever in your favor is that for the most part, grammar and spelling are above average.
- Harry is a whiny, crying, little emo bitch with a tendency to trust things far to quickly. So far this fic has taken about 10 of the standard fanfic cliches and rolled them into short grammatically incorrect chapters.
I understand that it's your first fic and all that, but you have to have a general plot outline before you start writing each chapter.
(#) Sksniper128 2008-05-16 09:21:56 PMMY EYES!! THEY BURN!!
Jesus F**K man! This is total and utter crap.
The plot line is cliche, Harry is a whiney Emo crying bitch, the story is rushed, and you seem to have no plot line other than: "Harry gets assload of money, gets hot chick, and becomes really powerful"
Jeez man come up with something original not the reused, recycled crap that is ciruclating the net. Or if you most use the "reused, recycled crap that is ciruclating the net" then at least make it more intresting.
(#) stealacandy 2008-05-22 04:07:13 PMCan't write constructive criticism, this fic is so bad only thing we can suggest is shove it to the dust bin and go take some creative writing classes in your college before trying again.
I actually only read the chapter after seeing the reviews, I kkwas wondering what people might have written to you and if you improved any since last I bothered reading this. Alas, no. Look, man, take your time, think your plot over, put some effort into your writing, and perhaps you might come up with something worthj the time. As it is, the way you rush up thing, the fact you don't really have a story, and the sad truth that this is naught but a collection of saome of the most cliched and over-used and least logical plot-devices-turned-holes, which make even less sense put together than standing on their own, speaks volumes against your story, no matter how loud you shout you want good revies. Write a good story, and maybe you'll get those, although, from experience I can tel lyou even that is much doubtfull. But at least, for a first story, you'll probably get some suggestions, corrections and other nitpicking reviews. But only once you actually wrote a story. So far, you have not, I am afraid to say.
- hi.To tell you the truth what the others have wrote here has a bit of truth in it. you need to think the plot more before you post it. The chapters need to be a little bigger. But on the overall for me your story is good. keep it up .
(#) theblackadder 2011-07-13 05:13:51 AMokay where do i start clearing up the train wreck?
1. "But she started it " ... face-palm weather you write Snape good or evil ( or better still instead of writing him as some cliche devil or angel , write like a realistic person with a traumatic past and horrible personality because of it ) there is no fucking reason in the world for you to make him have the mind of a fucking two year old.
2.So Merlin just appears of of thin air does he and Harry suddenly becomes god does he , despite being a ( as someone hit the nail on the head earlier i'll use their phrase) "crying whiny emo bitch.
3Oh the cliche's .. they burn- so suddenly without explanation , it is revealed that Dumbledore , once again without explanation why the hell , has hidden some massive fucking fortune and a house which the potters could have hidden from Voldemort in.Furthermore , when harry gets a weapon ( which has no use whatsoever in a combat situation ) it just so happens he shoots so much lightning out his arse and is so goddamn Amazing that the weapons on the wall have a epileptic fit and get stuck together to reveal one of the greatest cliche's of all time.
Have you seen special poetry slam on you tube? Because if you haven't search it up.I think you may be related to one of them.
Please for the sake of the earth
, get the fuck out of writing
.Apologies for bad spelling and grammar , I was blinded by the mist of cliches.