Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Rise/Fall Of Gerard Way
Chapter 16 - Savior
Gerard Way was dead. Maybe not in a literal sense, but figuratively speaking, he was deader than dead. His body was receiving too much pleasure from such a small, mistake of a kiss. Pushing himself off Frank as quickly as possible, he scrambled onto his feet. Backing up against the wall, he felt tears in his eyes. Through the watery fog, he gazed at Frank’s body as it sat upright. Gerard clutched his stomach. The pain he felt wasn’t just emotional anymore, it was horribly physical. His body ached whenever he thought about anything he had been through in the past twenty four hours. Frank not loving him, the beer he had taken, the promise he had broken, the phone call with Bert…how amazing yet fake Frank’s lips had felt against his…it all just crashed into him.
Sobbing, he slid down with his back pressuring the wall and firmly shut his eyes, squeezing out even more tears. He couldn’t handle his life anymore; he felt like he had lost all control. It was what he had always wanted at first; to completely fuck up so that it wouldn’t even matter what the hell happened to him, because things couldn’t possibly get worse. Gerard realized now that it hurt to be in that state. It made him feel like a broken clock. He was running out of time. His whole body trembled. Out of the blue, he felt two arms circle his body, fortressing him in warmth. A cool cheek comfortingly pressed against his own. Gerard shook more aggressively, sensing hot breath against his neck.
A soft voice drilled into his ear, “I love you more than the world.”
Gerard’s eyes opened, stinging a little bit. The words echoed in his ear as he cuddled closer to Frank. He tried to say something of equal eloquence as a response, but was unable to. He hoped Frank would understand by the way he clung on tightly. The feeling of closeness he felt right now made him cry a bit harder. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend why, but it didn’t matter. They were tears of joy…contorted joy, but joy nonetheless.
Frank breathed a sigh of relief at how great this was going so far. He felt no space for air between his body and Gerard's. Never, in his entire life, had he been this close to another guy before. It was...weird...in a pleasant way. Gently, he rubbed his friend's back and kissed his mouth. The sensation differed so much from their stage kisses that his body shuddered in a chilling manner. He pulled away jerkily, unsure if what he had felt was normal. If not, he still enjoyed it. He slowly rose to his feet and stared down at Gerard. The man looked frail and ready to shatter into pieces. His long, ebony hair fell onto his pale face while his magnificent hazel eyes were squeezed shut. Gingerly, Frank took his hand and tugged him upwards.
Gerard asked no questions when his friend interlocked fingers with him and led him in the direction of who-cares-where. His eyesight was continually blinded by tears, so it took him by surprise when he suddenly heard his brother's voice.
"Oh my God! What's wrong with Gerard?!" Mikey asked in a panicky tone, "What'd you do to him? Why is he crying?"
Gerard left his eyes shut as he listened to Frank’s voice calmly explain that Mikey needed to leave and give him and Gerard some privacy for the time being. Mikey left, although hesitantly. Frank chewed on his lip as the door shut with an angerless slam. His eyes wandered over to Gerard, who just wouldn’t stop crying. Frank wondered whether he had been wrong in assuming that things were going great. Maybe Gerard didn’t love Frank back and felt so bad about it that he just cried. Maybe Gerard was crying because he didn’t have his drugs anymore. Hell, maybe Gerard was crying because Frank was a horrible kisser! Frank felt like spitting as soon as the negative thoughts reached his mind. He was growing absolutely sick of wondering. He needed to know how Gerard felt. If he didn’t, he was going to crack and end up in a mental asylum. Of course, that was where Gerard was going to end up soon too, if he didn’t get his life sorted out. Frank intended to break through the barrier of both those statements,
He tried to keep his tone casual when he spoke. Quite contrarily, he ended up sounding whiny, like Spiderman, “Gee, tell me you love me...” When he received no response, he added, “Please?”
The silence told him it was hopeless. Hope told him it wasn’t. The two collided to form a huge cloud of anxiety inside Frank’s stomach. He crossed his fingers behind his back and kept his eyes focused on Gerard. The taller man rubbed his eyes and opened them. They were bloodshot, obviously, considering the amount of salty tears which had passed out of them. He gave Frank two blinks—or maybe it was three—before he did what Frank called “The Leap.” The Leap was something Gerard used to do a long time ago, in order to cheer Frank up and make him a giggly monster. It was a simple move, one which many football players would recognize as a tackle. Only, the Leap was much nicer, since Gerard was the one who “tackled” and since they landed on a soft, extra fluffy, hotel mattress. Frank laughed from beneath his friend and internally threw a party.
Gerard, however, was serious…maybe even a bit sad when he said, “I love you, Frankie.”
Frank giggled, “Since when?”
“Forever,” was his friend’s solemn answer.
Frank brought his arms around Gerard and hugged him, “What’s wrong?” He was frightened by the expression on Gerard’s face; he couldn’t analyze it.
The singer rolled over so that he didn’t feel so awkward. Comfort remained a void. He breathed out a lungful of air onto Frank’s face, “Everything’s wrong. I can’t believe I actually took that beer, I shouldn’t have…b-but the thing is…I can believe it. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I still need beer. And I need crack even more. I need crack real bad, or I’m gonna go crazy and end up like, shooting the whole world down.”
“Why?” Frank asked with innocent, wide green eyes.
Gerard appeared confused for a second. His reply was more of a plea, “Frankie, I just need some…just one snort…if you love me like you said you did, you’ll find me some crack…or even ice is fine. Anything.”
Frank swallowed a lump in his throat, which may have been his heart acting up, “Gee, don’t say things like that. Look, if I can figure out why you want drugs so bad, then maybe I can find something else for you. Something that’s not dangerous. So what is it about cocaine that you seem to love more than you love anything else?”
“It’s fucking obvious!” Gerard’s tone sharpened, “It makes me fucking happy. I told you that already. It makes my problems disappear, and that’s what I need, more than anything…”
Frank’s voice was small, “Can’t I make your problems disappear?”
“No. You can’t.” With hesitation, Gerard began a whole new thing to argue over, “The only person who could was Bert. And that was ‘cause he got me high. So if you do too, I’d—“
Frank interrupted angrily and sat up, “I’m not Bert McCrackhead. I can’t be him, you know why? Because I love you too much. I’d actually care if you lost everything and wound up on the street as a fucking junkie. He’s the one who screwed you up like this. I fucking hate him so much and you keep comparing me to him, like he’s some sort of God or something. Honestly, if you love him, you need to tell me and not fuck with me anymore.”
Gerard pulled Frank back down, “I’m sorry…I love you, okay? Not Bert…but…can we not talk about this right now? Can we wait until the morning?”
Frank took a deep breath in and nodded. Gerard forced a smile, a gesture which was soon reflected by Frank. After leaning over to the nightstand and switching off the lamp, he snuggled close to Frank’s chest. Frank twirled a finger around a lock of black hair, sighing with no apparent emotion. For a long moment, things were blissful. Then, sleep attacked and blacked everything out.
Loud sobbing awoke Frank from his peaceful slumber. His shirt was soaking wet, probably from tears. He knew for a fact that they were not his own. The weeping sound grew louder. He groggily moaned, trying to make Gerard keep quiet. However, the task was impossible. His eyes attempted to blink out the sleep in them so he could see better. He was too late in realizing that it was too dark anyway. Half with annoyance, he asked in a sleepy mumble what was wrong.
Gerard wailed loudly, “FRANK!”
Frank rubbed his eyes, "Yeah?"
Gerard made a whimpering sound resembling, "Help me."
Now more alert, Frank confusedly turned the light on. Gerard’s eyes were pressed shut and he clutched Frank’s shirt in a tight fist. It made the taller, bigger man seem like a child. Frank wondered for a brief moment whether Gerard was having a nightmare. He shook his friend’s shoulder gently, in case he was. The singer’s rather large hazel eyes grew unusually wide, like two gaping holes. His expression was frightened and Frank was tempted to tell him everything would be all right. However, he wasn’t sure if a lie that huge would be forgiven. The only thing he could do was hold Gerard’s face in his hands as tenderly as possible.
Gerard’s eyes leaked like a ceiling in Florida, “Frankie…save me…”
Frank’s heart broke as he whispered what he only hoped was true, “I will…”
Gerard Way was dead. Maybe not in a literal sense, but figuratively speaking, he was deader than dead. His body was receiving too much pleasure from such a small, mistake of a kiss. Pushing himself off Frank as quickly as possible, he scrambled onto his feet. Backing up against the wall, he felt tears in his eyes. Through the watery fog, he gazed at Frank’s body as it sat upright. Gerard clutched his stomach. The pain he felt wasn’t just emotional anymore, it was horribly physical. His body ached whenever he thought about anything he had been through in the past twenty four hours. Frank not loving him, the beer he had taken, the promise he had broken, the phone call with Bert…how amazing yet fake Frank’s lips had felt against his…it all just crashed into him.
Sobbing, he slid down with his back pressuring the wall and firmly shut his eyes, squeezing out even more tears. He couldn’t handle his life anymore; he felt like he had lost all control. It was what he had always wanted at first; to completely fuck up so that it wouldn’t even matter what the hell happened to him, because things couldn’t possibly get worse. Gerard realized now that it hurt to be in that state. It made him feel like a broken clock. He was running out of time. His whole body trembled. Out of the blue, he felt two arms circle his body, fortressing him in warmth. A cool cheek comfortingly pressed against his own. Gerard shook more aggressively, sensing hot breath against his neck.
A soft voice drilled into his ear, “I love you more than the world.”
Gerard’s eyes opened, stinging a little bit. The words echoed in his ear as he cuddled closer to Frank. He tried to say something of equal eloquence as a response, but was unable to. He hoped Frank would understand by the way he clung on tightly. The feeling of closeness he felt right now made him cry a bit harder. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend why, but it didn’t matter. They were tears of joy…contorted joy, but joy nonetheless.
Frank breathed a sigh of relief at how great this was going so far. He felt no space for air between his body and Gerard's. Never, in his entire life, had he been this close to another guy before. It was...weird...in a pleasant way. Gently, he rubbed his friend's back and kissed his mouth. The sensation differed so much from their stage kisses that his body shuddered in a chilling manner. He pulled away jerkily, unsure if what he had felt was normal. If not, he still enjoyed it. He slowly rose to his feet and stared down at Gerard. The man looked frail and ready to shatter into pieces. His long, ebony hair fell onto his pale face while his magnificent hazel eyes were squeezed shut. Gingerly, Frank took his hand and tugged him upwards.
Gerard asked no questions when his friend interlocked fingers with him and led him in the direction of who-cares-where. His eyesight was continually blinded by tears, so it took him by surprise when he suddenly heard his brother's voice.
"Oh my God! What's wrong with Gerard?!" Mikey asked in a panicky tone, "What'd you do to him? Why is he crying?"
Gerard left his eyes shut as he listened to Frank’s voice calmly explain that Mikey needed to leave and give him and Gerard some privacy for the time being. Mikey left, although hesitantly. Frank chewed on his lip as the door shut with an angerless slam. His eyes wandered over to Gerard, who just wouldn’t stop crying. Frank wondered whether he had been wrong in assuming that things were going great. Maybe Gerard didn’t love Frank back and felt so bad about it that he just cried. Maybe Gerard was crying because he didn’t have his drugs anymore. Hell, maybe Gerard was crying because Frank was a horrible kisser! Frank felt like spitting as soon as the negative thoughts reached his mind. He was growing absolutely sick of wondering. He needed to know how Gerard felt. If he didn’t, he was going to crack and end up in a mental asylum. Of course, that was where Gerard was going to end up soon too, if he didn’t get his life sorted out. Frank intended to break through the barrier of both those statements,
He tried to keep his tone casual when he spoke. Quite contrarily, he ended up sounding whiny, like Spiderman, “Gee, tell me you love me...” When he received no response, he added, “Please?”
The silence told him it was hopeless. Hope told him it wasn’t. The two collided to form a huge cloud of anxiety inside Frank’s stomach. He crossed his fingers behind his back and kept his eyes focused on Gerard. The taller man rubbed his eyes and opened them. They were bloodshot, obviously, considering the amount of salty tears which had passed out of them. He gave Frank two blinks—or maybe it was three—before he did what Frank called “The Leap.” The Leap was something Gerard used to do a long time ago, in order to cheer Frank up and make him a giggly monster. It was a simple move, one which many football players would recognize as a tackle. Only, the Leap was much nicer, since Gerard was the one who “tackled” and since they landed on a soft, extra fluffy, hotel mattress. Frank laughed from beneath his friend and internally threw a party.
Gerard, however, was serious…maybe even a bit sad when he said, “I love you, Frankie.”
Frank giggled, “Since when?”
“Forever,” was his friend’s solemn answer.
Frank brought his arms around Gerard and hugged him, “What’s wrong?” He was frightened by the expression on Gerard’s face; he couldn’t analyze it.
The singer rolled over so that he didn’t feel so awkward. Comfort remained a void. He breathed out a lungful of air onto Frank’s face, “Everything’s wrong. I can’t believe I actually took that beer, I shouldn’t have…b-but the thing is…I can believe it. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I still need beer. And I need crack even more. I need crack real bad, or I’m gonna go crazy and end up like, shooting the whole world down.”
“Why?” Frank asked with innocent, wide green eyes.
Gerard appeared confused for a second. His reply was more of a plea, “Frankie, I just need some…just one snort…if you love me like you said you did, you’ll find me some crack…or even ice is fine. Anything.”
Frank swallowed a lump in his throat, which may have been his heart acting up, “Gee, don’t say things like that. Look, if I can figure out why you want drugs so bad, then maybe I can find something else for you. Something that’s not dangerous. So what is it about cocaine that you seem to love more than you love anything else?”
“It’s fucking obvious!” Gerard’s tone sharpened, “It makes me fucking happy. I told you that already. It makes my problems disappear, and that’s what I need, more than anything…”
Frank’s voice was small, “Can’t I make your problems disappear?”
“No. You can’t.” With hesitation, Gerard began a whole new thing to argue over, “The only person who could was Bert. And that was ‘cause he got me high. So if you do too, I’d—“
Frank interrupted angrily and sat up, “I’m not Bert McCrackhead. I can’t be him, you know why? Because I love you too much. I’d actually care if you lost everything and wound up on the street as a fucking junkie. He’s the one who screwed you up like this. I fucking hate him so much and you keep comparing me to him, like he’s some sort of God or something. Honestly, if you love him, you need to tell me and not fuck with me anymore.”
Gerard pulled Frank back down, “I’m sorry…I love you, okay? Not Bert…but…can we not talk about this right now? Can we wait until the morning?”
Frank took a deep breath in and nodded. Gerard forced a smile, a gesture which was soon reflected by Frank. After leaning over to the nightstand and switching off the lamp, he snuggled close to Frank’s chest. Frank twirled a finger around a lock of black hair, sighing with no apparent emotion. For a long moment, things were blissful. Then, sleep attacked and blacked everything out.
Loud sobbing awoke Frank from his peaceful slumber. His shirt was soaking wet, probably from tears. He knew for a fact that they were not his own. The weeping sound grew louder. He groggily moaned, trying to make Gerard keep quiet. However, the task was impossible. His eyes attempted to blink out the sleep in them so he could see better. He was too late in realizing that it was too dark anyway. Half with annoyance, he asked in a sleepy mumble what was wrong.
Gerard wailed loudly, “FRANK!”
Frank rubbed his eyes, "Yeah?"
Gerard made a whimpering sound resembling, "Help me."
Now more alert, Frank confusedly turned the light on. Gerard’s eyes were pressed shut and he clutched Frank’s shirt in a tight fist. It made the taller, bigger man seem like a child. Frank wondered for a brief moment whether Gerard was having a nightmare. He shook his friend’s shoulder gently, in case he was. The singer’s rather large hazel eyes grew unusually wide, like two gaping holes. His expression was frightened and Frank was tempted to tell him everything would be all right. However, he wasn’t sure if a lie that huge would be forgiven. The only thing he could do was hold Gerard’s face in his hands as tenderly as possible.
Gerard’s eyes leaked like a ceiling in Florida, “Frankie…save me…”
Frank’s heart broke as he whispered what he only hoped was true, “I will…”
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