I really like your style and your ideas, but I can't help feeling there are stray words and sentances wandering about without any meaning. You're not alone, I do it all the time. Do you have a beta reader? My friends really help me with that. They once sent me a quote that was something like, "Spare words in writing are like spare lines in a drawing or spare parts in a machine, they don't do anything but gunk up your purpose," and I try to stick by it.
Otherwise, well planned and very well executed. You've captured the characters in a great way. I'd love to see more!
Author's response
Hmm, I fail to see where my stray words and sentences are lying. Perhaps if you could give me an example I would know what to do with your criticism?
But anyway. Even if you pointed them out to me I wouldn't change anything. Those "superfluous words", they are contributing to my style. Here, it has a very lush, vibrant feel, and if I removed anything it would only deflate the story.
If this story was not based so much on emotion, I would take your criticism and edit accordingly. But unfortunately, it is. So, I'll just have to thank you for the review.