This is a great story. It is very very funny and compulsive read. I am looking forward to reading the remaining chapters - which is wonderful because lately I have not been able to find any fan fiction which held my interest for very long.
But ..... OMG you need a beta reader desperately! If you would like me to beta read anything you are currently writing then please e0mail me at info at bircats dot com
as I would love to do that for you. (I am hopeless at picking up plot inconsistences etc but in any case I don't think you need that, what you need is someone to check grammar, sentence structure, missing words, spelling etc and that I can do that reasonably well)