It appears in a few other episodes, but not a tremendous number and I'd not say you've taken overmuch liberty with it (and, yes, I've read that novel, too). In this instance, it fits well.
I agree, the chapter on FFdotNet is definitely a better read and has some very good bits that aren't here. Are you going to try reposting it again or just send folk over there?
Author's response
I don't know. For now I'm giving up on Ficwad. It's not just the chapter being cut off. I submitted the exact same text to both sites.
My biggest problem is the formatting and editing on Ficwad. It's so much more intuitive on FF.Net. I may post the rest of Innocence Faded and AWiH on Ficwad eventually, but otherwise I don't plan on posting anything else here unless I write somethin that's NC-17 material. As of right now I have no plans for that, though.