Review for Voyeurism


(#) samric 2007-12-20

Okay, let's just get it over with so we can clear the air and move on to the compliments: Probably the reason some jackass rated this as illiterate is because of the single line "Murtagh watched Eragon sleep." Now poetic repetition is one thing, but you have to know when enough is enough. Minus about three to four of those lines instead of breaking up your story's ideas with them, and you'll be set. Phew! Now that we've covered that, allow me to fawn and act immature about the fact that it's MURTAGH AND ERAGON!!! Squee! I love the pairing ever since they began to really show their bond--some may say that it was only friendship, but I say "Screw off!!" to such people. ^_^ In fact, I was downright annoyed when Eragon ignored Murtagh's existence for so long when they were with the Varden. Argh! Damn it, Eragon, you're screwing with the wrong rabid-yaoi-fangirl here--go see him!

...And I've strayed off topic.....

Ahem! Other than the abuse of the "Murtagh watches Eragon sleep" phrase, you have a very good sense of, how shall I put it, timing. You don't have Murtagh sit there and fawn on twelve different and completely unrelated subjects in a single paragraph, and nor do you jump about with the overall feel of your piece. What I mean is that Murtagh isn't citing reasons why Eragon is physically attractive in one section, and then in the next, with no reasonable transition, yammering about being depressed over his inability to tell Eragon of his feelings. Remember this is an example of what you're NOT doing—and it's a good thing! It should be noted though, that proper transitions can make anything flow and you do a fine job of using them, while staying away from the trickier line-ups. I'd suggest some practice on those areas, not because you aren't doing a good job, but because I saw that you avoided them. Experience in the harder arts makes you a master of the lesser, as they say.

Once again, great job, and I hope that you will continue to donate to the Internet's MurtaghxEragon library in the future. ~_^ Ta-ta!