It's not bad. Not bad at all. I certainly enjoyed it. Though I do suggest that you get someone decent at grammar (It's hard to do it for yourself, even if you're a Professor, this isn't a jibe at you)to go through the story and add commas where appropriate. It takes away from the experience when the reader has to backtrack and mentally insert commas to understand what's going on.
Other than that I couldn't find anything else. to comment on
Thank you for this chapter, and the story in general. It's a wonderful way to pass the time.
Author's response
Thansk for the comments, as always I will try to improve and comments such as yours will only help.
Cheers
Easysurfing