MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!
Jesus F**K man! This is total and utter crap.
The plot line is cliche, Harry is a whiney Emo crying bitch, the story is rushed, and you seem to have no plot line other than: "Harry gets assload of money, gets hot chick, and becomes really powerful"
Jeez man come up with something original not the reused, recycled crap that is ciruclating the net. Or if you most use the "reused, recycled crap that is ciruclating the net" then at least make it more intresting.